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Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 1
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Zmom4 Offline OP
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My marriage has ended after 25 years. I was married to a firefighter. I was an independent woman and was very capable of understanding and committing to our marriage despite the schedule of being gone 24 hour shifts. I understood trust was needed and I constantly did whatever it took to make the marriage work. We sought therapy when issues arose...when I knew something wasn't right and we were not connecting.
I can share story after story...but to summarize when we would get in therapy, the "Hero" husband version was always what was focused on and though there was evidence of his objectifying woman behavior around the boys, in fact I was told numerous times I needed to understand that, and that I just needed to trust him.
My needs were not being met, and I could sense more distance throughout the years. A few " mistakes" were made by him, such as a butt dial where he was talking to the " guys" and voiced his desire of what he wanted to do to a woman that was just on scene...very graphic details. That brought us to an arguement...to therapy, in which again I was informed that " you are more sensitive than most woman because you were sexually assaultin your youth."
He would get in therapy, say he loved me, blame the other guy's behavior, say he wasn't like that....and I had him all wrong. As a family we would have holidays at the station, and I could sense the guys making jokes about the real him, but he would shut them down, and then it led to it be better that I do t call the station anymore to talk to him, or visit as much because I wasn't trusting him and he was being teased by the guys as being whipped.
It's easy to say I was insecure, and therapist would remind me that he is in a field where women throw themselves on him, and I needed to trust him and be more secure.
The sad thing was, I am a very secure person, I love who I am, and started realizing that the only time I felt " not good enough" was around him.
Three years ago I was being contacted via social media by a woman I did not know. She would just send a request and I would ignore. The third time I finally asked do I know you? Then my stomach felt something wasn't right, I looked in her photos and location and realized she was located near my husband's station. I asked him if he knew her. He said no.
She contacted me again weeks later...a photo of her working out at the gym, which happened to be the gym the station went to. I asked him again. He said he recognized the gym but not her.
I sent her a message...she responded sorry my mistake wrong person.
I blocked her. She changed the spelling on her name and requested friendship again. I told him. He then says he did recognize her...she works at the gym and that she is psycho and flirts with all the guys but he ignores her. I didn't believe him we land in therapy again, I get told the same thing over and over...even though I shared that he hasn't been wanti g sexual contact with me, and he was always irrated at me. He explained to them he was working a lot and tired and that's he loved me but I do t believe him and that I am just insecure.
I bought more books to read to become stronger, I listened to what the therapist requested...I worked hard to reach him. We made financial changes to take pressure off...we were doing vacations, but still he only wanted family time with kids...not just me and him. Shared this with therapist and was told " well he is gone a lot and he misses the kids to and you can connect even when you are with him"
I felt like I was going crazy...I wasn't still being contacted by the woman with little emojis...I blocked her three different times...she changed her name and kept sending request.
Three months ago I was looking for Advil and knew he had backup in his backpack he went to work with...no big deal, I had just borrowed some from him a month before. I opened container and found viagra pills. Our sex life had diminished to only every six months if that. He told therapist it was because he was working too much. I tried to understand and. It push for it. So the viagra was not for me.
His reaction was what gave him away...he screamed and yelled and started blaming me for not trusting him and destroying our family.
Finally, my eyes were open. I was t crazy. I reached out to the other lady...they had a relationship for 2.5 years until she found out he lied and was married. He told her he was divorced lived somewhere else and only claimed two of his four kids.
That ended because of her. Then I started wondering who was he still taking the pills for..googled his name found him to be one of the guys whose name was released for being in the Ashley Madison sight using his government email. ( married people who want to cheat)
He denied everything and told my kids I was crazy. He tried to kick me out, he threatened to not give me anything if I divorced him and called me horrible names in front if our now adult kids. The kids were then put in the spot of who to believe. He cried to them and said he would never do that to me and that I have a mental illness and the therapist told him that years ago...and he has been trying to help me. One of my fdaughters shared this with me and I contacted the therapist who informed them that that was not true
Then he said the lady was lying and psycho and that the kids need to believe him. I asked her for proof...she sent me over twenty voice messages of him calling her and verifying everything she had said. The kids all heard the recordings.
They demanded him go to therapy and apologize to me. He did...but still placed all blame on me saying I was insecure and caused it and even saying I was wrong for digging and getting info and that I broke up the family for doing this.
Now, he is moved out...I wanted legal separation so I could still have health insurance he demanded divorce and was fighting support...yet telling the kids he would do anything for me. Till one day he called wanted me to sign something and I responded saying my attorney would review it and he called me a f$&@ b&@$-5 my girls heard this side of him and were disgusted.
I had just turned fifty I got a full time job working 13 hours a day and responded to him always by just saying the attorneys will handle it.
Yesterday I received a text with the message he doesn't want divorce...he understands the pain he caused..he wants me back.
I read everything about recovering after infidelity, I just want to move on. I do believe in forgiveness...but I do not believe he is even being honest with himself about who he really has been for years..he only apologizes for what he knows I know...and blames the other woman. He still makes comments to the kids about how " mom still wants divorce but I don't " and even though I have told my kids that their relationship is separate from my relationship with him and that they need to do whatever it takes to still maintain the child father relationship..,when they cannot hang out when he wants them to, because of work or school he throw remarks that " I feel mom is feeding you stuff..,I am not as bad as she makes me sound"
My therapist has given me skills to deal with a " narcissist " even though she cannot diagnose him of it. He is going to therapy...but only sharing his version still,
I actually am feeling stronger because I am dealing with this all healthy I am just frustrated because even in Mediation...he makes comments about being a Firefighter and the hours and he can't work that much to pay me" and everyone leans toward sympathizing with him. Yet he is at the slowest station and I work 50 hours a week in my feet all day.
I want to just move far away...but can't if I want to be in my kids life.

Joined: Aug 2014
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Have you looked into Plan B? Change your contact info so he cant reach you. Consider moving at least little ways away so you dont have to be reminded of him.

Joined: Nov 2010
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Have you exposed his affair to his family and friends? He has probably had this SSL for years and has had many affairs.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
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Joined: Nov 2010
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
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L
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Joined: Dec 2010
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If you don't want to recover your marriage, you certainly have the right to divorce your husband after his long-standing infidelity.

Dr. Harley recommends Plan B in cases like yours, which is no contact, ever, with your husband. The reason is because contact with him is likely going to cause you a great deal of stress which is often brings health problems later on.

Plan B isn't about cutting off contact as a means of revenge; it's about protecting yourself from the crazy-making antics of an unrepentant wayward.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 173
L
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 173
So sorry for your situation. Reading your story reminded me of mine, and my now ExWW.

I humbly suggest you rid yourself of this person. Many here will encourage you to Plan B, work with Dr. Harley, etc. I was here eight years ago asking the same questions...wondering how I could get past other man #1, #2 and #3...

Worked my tail off for five months in Plan A. Never worked so hard on anything in my life. ExWW said all the right things....

And I found out they were all lies. There was a fourth "other man" she hid from me. That was it. I was done.

Ask yourself this very important question: Can you ever trust this person again?

I could not, and divorced her.

There are other people out there, other fish in the sea, who will honor you and marriage vows. I've been with one of those for 6 years now.

Pray, talk with friends and family, and ask that very important question...can I trust this person again?

Thoughts and prayers friend! LG

Last edited by LawfulGood; 12/20/16 01:53 PM.

3-DDays, 4-OMs*, Plan-D May 9, 2009, final Dec 2010 (FREEDOM!)
Custody of DDs / new job(s) / "I'm alive...and well"

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