The SO and I have been together 16 years, married for 10 now and have 2 amazing kids. To make a long story short though I simply have nothing left to give, physically, emotionally, financially and mentally.

Some background though for this week, on Wednesday I flew the SO ands kids to the coast in order to spend Christmas with my family. I still had 2 days work left and drove down afterwards yesterday. The lot of us ended up driving back today.

Leaving the airport on Wednesday after checking them in and sorting out the luggage I prayed for peace, asking for just 48 hours, just long enough for me to get there. By Thursday morning I already knew where it was headed and by the time I got there yesterday I didn't even pack my stuff out the car.

First mistake was mine, I should never have listened to my parents when they asked to see their grandparents a bit earlier. I should have known from past experience what was going to happen.

The detail isn't important, it revolves around petty things like who can use which towel, what time meals are and who prepares them for who.

The crux of the matter is that this is now the 5th or 6th time that I had to take my wife and leave my family after an argument that's been blown out of proportion. 4 of these were even before we had kids.

Getting home today my father in law, a pastor, had already set up things to council us. Again. I simply stated at that point that I wasn't angry, just hurt but this wasn't something I could fix anymore. I tried to get my concerns across for the state my wife is in but stopped short of saying exactly where I was.

My FIL asked us to commit to extended council sessions, be it with him or anybody else. I agreed, she did not.

After this we still haven't spoken, simply didn't want to engage in front of the kids. It's given me time to reflect though and I came to the conclusion that I really don't have anything left to give.

I have no friends. If you go through my phone you'd only find direct family and work for at least the last year.
I haven't actually seen my sister in the last year. I saw her when I got to my folks home last night as she was storming out and then when she came back to say she'd move out to make things easier for us.
I've basically lost my family completely now. It's at the point where my parents now even suggested a divorce may be for the best based on what they see when they look at me. And this us coming from a couple that worked through an affair.
I've over committed to supporting my wife's business financially.

Basically I've devoted everything I am to her in an attempt to make sure she was happy and it hasn't worked. I have nothing left of myself that I hold dear to offer. She's taken it all and trashed it.

Sadly I also know that saying this to her will simply result in her asking for a divorce, again.

This time though I'd simply agree. I have no fight left but hate to think what this is going to do to my kids.

Welcome to MB, but you have found an absolute wonderful place with fantastic tools to turn your marriage around.

Have you seen this?
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Your story is really hard to follow. From what I gather, your SO is also your wife, your parents really wanted to see their grandchildren and not their grandparents, and while you are visiting your family your father-in-law is the one intervening. There appears to be issues with your family that mean they are not supportive of your marriage.

You have not given any supporting facts to the assertion that your wife has trashed your life. It is normal to a husband to curtail friendships and extended family ties to devote the time to his wife. "A man shall leave his father and his mother and be bound to his wife, and the two shall become one." So, exactly what is the source of your frustration?

Hi, Savis, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Have you read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts? If you would agree to follow these it would probably address a lot of these problems you are having in your marriage. If you've read them and would like some help seeing how to use them to turn this around, we can help you with that.

Apologies for being unclear, with SO I was refering to my wife. We had planned to spend an extended christmas holiday with my family and left from there to return home, close to her family.

I did not intend to portray it as my wife trashing my life, everything I've given was done willingly, I just don't have anything left to give, I'm empty.

I've mentioned this to my wife and suggested we attempt counseling but she simply isn't interested. As a compromise I suggested we do one of hte courses from church on our own, she agreed but hasn't actually been interested in starting yet.

It just seems that she simply isn't interested in fixing this, irrespective of the plan used.

What is the problem in your marriage? It is impossible to tell from your post. Is it that your family doesnt get along with your wife? Or is there another problem?

Have you read the basic concepts?

Your post is very confusing. (I think some words got mixed around in it.) This is what I have gathered:

Your wife and your family (your parents and sister at least) cannot get along. It's so bad your sister left your parent's house when your wife was there and your wife was so upset that you basically turned the car around and took her and your children home the same day you drove to visit your parents for Christmas. (Your wife and kids had been there a couple days before you could go.)

You are worn out from the conflict in your marriage and don't know what more you can do. You feel you have to choose between your wife and your family. Maybe even between your wife and having any friends?

Correct? if so -
QUESTIONS:
What is the source of conflict between your wife and family?

From your perspective, does your family dislike your wife and say snarky things to her and you want her to just let it go; or does your wife dislike your family and say snarky things to them?

Have you ever stood there and done nothing while your family insulted your wife in front of you?

Does your wife get along with most people, just not your family, or does she get in conflicts a lot in general?

When your wife asks for a divorce, what reason does she give?

What have you tried to do about the situation so far?

Also - just out of curiosity - do you have other siblings with spouses and if so, how are their relationships with your family?

A recurring problem is the conflict between my wife and family. Even though we barely see them anymore every time we do ends in a fight or unhappiness for days. My wife firmly believes that they treat her differently depending on if I am there or not. Every remark, meal or arrangement is interpreted by her as an attack or herself. These never occur though if I am in close proximity.

From my perspective deeper problems between us include a breakdown in communication, actually putting each other first and generally spending time together. From my perspective she's always got something else that needs to happen before there is a gap for us.

You got most of it correct, my wife had been at home a while since the kids school closed. She was becoming irritated with being home alone with them while I was still working. In an attempt to alleviate the situation we decided that my wife and the kids would go to my parents earlier than planned as they were at the beach, loads more to do etc.

From previous experiences I was hesitant to do this but it has been a while since my parents spent time with their grandkids and it seemed like a good idea at the time. From the moment my wife and kids arrived though small things started bothering her. She didn't have her own car so she felt trapped, this despite there being 3 cars there, she didn't feel comfortable driving any one of them. Neither of the 3 golf carts were available when she wanted to use them as either people were playing golf. or they had gone to the beach or my parents were taking the kids for a drive. I was told to bring our own towels when I came as there was some issue with this. Meals for our kids weren't ready at the right times and she didn't feel comfortable preparing these herself. My sister's 3 year old pushed our 2 year old off her bike which he was riding.

In general a whole bunch of small things which my wife views as personal attacks on her. In her opinion these things do not happen when I'm there and that's because my family dislikes her but puts on a front when I'm there. Attempts to discuss these things like adults generally end in her storming our and a fight between us because I didn't believe her/take her side/stand up for her. So we leave.

This is not limited to only family, but friends as well over time. It doesn't happen there often anymore as I personally have none left and she only deals with work colleagues now.

My family feels that I have already chosen between my wife and them as I barely see them anymore, maybe once in 6 months to a year. She feels that I am always placing them above her.

As to your questions:

Source - Nothing specific, if I ask my wife it goes back to small issues like above stretching over years, to even before we were married. She also feels like my mom treats her the way her fathers mom treated her mother and her father also never stood up for her mom.
My perspective - No, in my view my family bends over backwards to accomodate my wife. From her perspective even the smallest thing is an attack and there's no discussion about it.
Stood there - My family has never insulted my wife in front of me.
Conflict - It's almost a running joke that my wife does not play well with others, even her colleagues say this openly in front of her.
Divorce - She's only brought it up once before, after a fight with my family, reason was that if I rather wanted to be with them then I should go.
Tried - Talking to her about it. talking with her and my family about it. Talking with her family about it. Sitting in counseling with my father in law. Suggesting professional counseling from outside (Refused). Trying to get her to join me in something like Portrait of a Biblical Marriage (Have everything ready, she's always to tired).

I have 3 sisters, 1 is divorced the other 2 happily married. There are no issues, my younger sister and her husband stay with my parents. Older sister, her husband and kids have regular holidays with my parents. We still have contact with my eldest sisters ex-husband, the relationship is fine despite the divorce.

She has 2 brothers, both divorced.

Have you read the Basic Concepts?

As an additional thought, our first day care actually asked us to find somewhere else. They were of the opinion that my wife was struggling with post partum depression and she was having a negative effect. We did get a referral to see someone but she never went.

I have gone through the basic concepts, I'd like to put together a plan to fix this but:

1. How do you do that with someone who either doesn't want to take part or sees no fault on there side?
2. Push for it when you are actually ready to just toss in the towel?

The basic concepts are not designed to make your wife see fault on her side. They are designed to create a happy marriage where you eliminate lovebusters, meet each others emotional needs and make mutually satisfying decisions, putting your marriage first.

For example, it sounds like your wife doesn't get along with your family. The solution to that is to stay away unless you both are enthusiastic about visiting them. The same with friends, etc.

Check this out: How to Deal with a Quarrelsome and Nagging Wife

A big lovebuster on your part that is evident in your posts is Disrespectful Judgements. Your wife feels judged by the things you say and do, and it is killing her love for you. Read up on that lovebuster, and make a plan to eliminate it from your life.