I had an EA for the better part of a year. It was the typical situation. I worked with my AP. I thought we were just friends until it reached a point when we were not any longer we were something else. I can see looking back that I seriously lacked boundaries in my life. I have always been a people pleaser and I think this helped fuel the affair. I have a difficult time saying no because I hate feeling like I am disappointing someone. I don't know how many times I have committed to doing something for someone not because I wanted to but because they asked and I could not say no. This is something that I am working on in therapy.

As the affair progressed I became more and more miserable. I tried many times to end it but my AP always would reach out to me and I would be right back in again. June 2016 I had enough and was done. I cut off all contact with my AP. I did a full disclosure at home. I told the truth from that day forward and never trickle truthed my spouse. I threw myself into trying to salvage my marriage. I had already been attending individual counseling for about 4 months prior to ending the affair and I have continued individual counseling since ending the affair. Recently I stopped going to counseling because I did not feel like it was beneficial any longer or at least not beneficial with my current therapist.

I read nearly every book concerning infidelity including Linda MacDonald's How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair as well as Dr. Harley's book Surviving the Affair and His Needs Her Needs. I have looked within myself and done a great deal of reflection. I want to understand why I did what I did or rather what made me think that was an acceptable course of action. While my marriage was not in a good place at all prior to the affair I do not use that as an excuse for my behavior. I am sure my husband was not happy either in our previous state of marriage yet he did not cheat.

In the beginning after ending the EA it was hell. I went through serious withdraw from my AP. But I remained adamant that I not communicate with him and I got through it. The self disgust and loathing was nearly unbearable at times. I could not believe what I had done. I had always considered myself a good person prior to the affair with a strong sense of right and wrong. Yet I was capable of such cruelness. It was difficult to support my husband and facilitate his healing because I was hurting so much. I did not understand how I could show him I was worthy of love and forgiveness when I did not think that I was. I considered my actions to be unforgiveable. But I managed to get through.

My BH and I struggled to communicate as we did prior to the affair. We attended a Retrouvaille International weekend about 3 months after DD. It really set us on the right path. For the first time we were each discussing our feelings and the other person was listening. I have been very fortunate that my husband has been very loving and understanding. He feels that the affair was completely out of my character and I just made a terrible mistake. I am slowly starting to view my actions in that light as well that I made a horrible mistake. I refuse to let this define me as a person. I will use this pain to transform myself into the best possible version of myself.

Lately I have been struggling with a great deal of anger not directed at my spouse but directed at both myself and my AP. I am angry that I feel like my AP used me and treated me badly. I am angry that I feel like he used to as his fallback girl. I think he was unhappy in his marriage and was contemplating leaving but wouldn't unless he had another option lined up. I am angry at myself that I allowed myself to be treated that way! I am angry that my AP from the beginning had less than pure intentions concerning our relationship. He hid our friendship from his wife from day one while I tried to be open with my husband. My AP was the one that declared his love for me and I am so angry with myself that I did not do the right thing and run not walk away. And more recently I am angry that I feel like I will never get closure. I will never be able to tell this person how much he hurt me.

When reading Surviving the Affair Dr. Harley talks about the BS and learning to control their anger. But I do not remember there being much discussion about the WS controlling his/her anger. We are making such great strides in our marriage 6 months post affair but I feel like the anger is really holding me back. It may be related to the holidays and those being a difficult time. I cannot help but think back to what I was doing a year ago and just how different my life is since then. I have had to really control myself and talk myself down several times from showing up at my AP's work and telling him off. I told my husband how I was feeling and he even offered to go with me. Of course I see little value in opening back up Pandora's box or at least the rational side of me knows this. I feel like I am having trouble letting go of this anger and fully being present in my marriage.

I appreciate any insight.

Hi stormshay, welcome to Marriage Builders. We can tell you why you had an affair and I think you already hit on it: you have poor boundaries around the opposite sex. As do most people. Most people who have affairs are good people who are not out looking to cheat. They naturally don't believe they would ever have an affair, and because they let their guard down, they find themselves falling in love. Once that happens, it is easier to change beliefs than it is behavior.

What is important is that you learn from this and follow extraordinary precautions to avoid another affair. I will post the list in the next post.

I am unsure why you would feel angry, though. Yes, you were used, but so was he. It's not like you were the victim. You volunteered for the affair. It sounds to me like you are allowing your emotions to overrule your reason. The best advice we can give you is to a) stay far far away from the OM and any triggers and b) don't talk about the affair anymore. Your reasoning behind your "anger" is very irrational and I wonder is this is due to continued contact with the OM?

Was the OM's wife informed of the affair by your husband? Was the affair exposed to your family?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Dr. Bill Harley: "The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

<snip>

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details."

How close do you live to the OM?

Do you still work with the OM?

I no longer work with the AP. I realized before the affair began our friendship was headed down a bad path so I put in for a transfer to another office. I still work for the same government organization which isn't a problem in the sense that I see him. But other people we both work with talk about him. Not to mention many things about my job remind me of him. I have already found a new job and will begin in a few weeks.

We currently live about 10 miles from the AP.

Does his BW know about the affair?

Who all was the affair exposed to? Do your children know?

Could you answer what has been done from the checklist?

His wife does know about the affair. My husband sent her a message about a week after I disclosed everything to him. She knew some information but not all of it. My AP only decided to tell her after I told my husband and told the AP I could never see or speak to him again. The AP told me I was selfish and going to ruin everything for him by telling the truth. Sigh.

My husband does not want to expose the affair. I have had this discussion with him on several occasions. I have exposed it to several people myself, like my family, close friends, and the clergy at my church. I also exposed it to the supervisory staff of the AP at work. I was often called to work at his office when they were short staffed. His boss contacted me to work and I told him absolutely not and told him why I would no longer work there. I immediately turned in all my keys to that office.

Our children do not know. They are ages 7 and 9. My husband and therapist does not feel it is appropriate to tell them. I disagree but I am trying to respect my husband's wishes. I honestly wish my husband would expose it to everyone. I feel like hiding it further perpetuates the shame I feel over what I have done. I am ready to accept responsibility for what I have done and at this point I don't care who knows I made a terrible mistake. I lived too much of my life trying to maintain a perfect fa�ade and it was exhausting.

My husband doesn't want other people weighing in on the situation if they know the truth. He doesn't want our relationship defined by the affair. I have had a very rocky relationship with my mil and he feels like this would give her free license to treat me poorly. I know he is trying to protect me but also himself as well.

You will need to move in order to fully recover.

Oddly, many therapists hold this view about exposing to children which is not based on any research whatsoever. Kids always know something is wrong and not telling them just teaches them that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable. It also leaves them very confused and they sometimes blame themselves for the tension in the home.

Dr. Harley believes, and I do too, that exposure is the most critical first step towards recovery for many reasons:
Here are his comments about exposing to children:

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

Looking through this list I know there are several changes we need to make. I believe they are what is hindering my recovery. I talked it over last night with my husband and we are both ready to make these changes.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse: I have been 100% open and honest since the day I ended the affair. I even offered my husband all text messages, emails, pictures, etc. I have been willing to answer any and all questions without getting defensive. My husband did not want to see texts, pictures, etc. He said he knew all he needed to know that I was unfaithful and the affair was physical as well as emotional. I worry that he did not ask for enough details and it is something that is going to come up down the road.

The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again: I have not had any contact with the AP since that day

The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse: We did mess up in this area. I had not yet read Dr. Harley's book at this time. I sent a message to the AP telling him it was over. I had already told him I wanted to work on my marriage several days prior. He suggested we remain friends. At that time I foolishly agreed. But after disclosing all details about the affair to my husband I realize there was no way that I could do that. So at that time I sent the AP a message telling him I had disclosed everything and to not contact me again.

The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP: This is where we are messing up. We still attend the same church as the AP and his wife. My husband refused to leave. I think it is a battle of wills. The wife of the AP told him that we should leave and were not welcome there. My husband felt I had just as much right to be there as the AP. We try and attend mass at other times as the AP and his family generally attend a specific time. However, on Christmas Eve we attended the most popular time of mass and the AP and his family came and sat right in front of us. It was shortly after this that I told my husband I could not go to that church any longer for my own sanity. It was also around this time that I noticed I was incredibly angry. It is a mess for sure. I feel like the BW of the AP is going out of her way to make things difficult. They even attended Retrouvaille the same weekend as my husband and I. Imagine being at a marriage retreat and having to sit in the room with the person you had an affair with months earlier. The BW has contacted my BH via text on several occasions.

Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse): I immediately changed my phone number and the AP does not have it or his BW. However they have my husband's number. I turned over any and all passwords for email, voicemail, etc. to my husband. My husband did not feel closing my facebook was necessary but he does keep my account logged in on his phone so he knows any and all activity, who I am friends with, if I receive a message, etc. I have blocked the AP and his BW as well as any and all other family members I could think of.

Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers): I enabled location services on my phone my husband can pull up where I am at any time in the day. I also installed Verizon's family base to my phone. He can pull up a log throughout the day that tells him who I text, phone calls I make, etc. I make sure to let him know where I am at all times.

Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent): We have a joint checking account. We do not spend any money without the other person's approval. We have adopted Dr. Harley's policy of joint agreement on all things.

Spend leisure time together: We are spending far more time together than we used to. We are aiming for the minimum of 15 hours Dr. Harley suggests each week. We are currently converting our garage to a home gym so we can workout together.

Change jobs and relocate if necessary: I will be changing jobs after the first of the year. While I do not work at the same location as the AP I do work for the same government organization. I know for a fact he has been keeping tabs on me through others and I do not want this. It will take me a few months but I should be fully transitioned out of my old job and into a new one. I personally would relocate to the next town over but my husband does not want to. Luckily we currently live on opposite ends of town from the AP and other than places we know he will be we have not seen him or his family out and about. Once I am full time at my new job both my husband and I have agreed to revisit the idea of relocating.

Avoid overnight separation: This is very rare for work and we both agree that it is not something we are going to do.

Allow technical accountability: I am not sure what this means exactly. But we both are transparent in our actions and give the other full access to everything.

Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends: I mentioned this in a previous post. My husband does not want to expose the affair. I have exposed it myself to my family, friends, and clergy at church, as well as my employer. As far as I know the AP has only exposed it to his parents and his BW exposed it to her parents. His BW is working very hard at maintaining a happy family fa�ade to all others.

Will your BH come here and post?

Was the affair physical as well? Was this discussed? Some spouses do not need to see emails and photos and that is fine as long as he knows the general facts. After that, it should be dropped.




This is a huge concern given that the OM is only 10 miles away. The chances of you running into him is very great. I have seen many, many affairs resume this way because the AP is always top of mind. Being so close keeps you both perpetually triggered.


This is sufficient.


This is another reason why you aren't recovering. You should never go to that church again. I don't think your husband understands how destructive this is to marriages.


It is best to just delete the account. As long as you have facebook, you can go look at the OM's facebook page, another trigger.

Your husband, who has no experience recovering from an affair, seems to be in charge of your recovery. Is there a reason WHY?


That is good.


I would keep this on the front burner until it is resolved. Having the OM so close is a perpetual trigger. If you need help persuading your husband, I would email Dr Harley at his radio show and enlist his help, because it is critical to your recovery. email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

]
My concern is that you are agreeing to marriage wrecking ideas from your husband and I don't understand why. You are not a child. Surely you knew in advance this was a bad idea? Why would a grown woman agree to such things?

There are other issues you have gone along with that concern me terribly, such as going to a marriage retreat with the OM and his wife. How silly is that? Why are you, a grown woman, agreeing to things you know are not good for your marriage?

It is very doubtful that he would come here and post. I will share the information with him. He is aware that I have been here and posted. In the past on other message boards concerning infidelity he would read what I wrote but otherwise does not engage.

My husband is incredibly closed off emotionally. And it has taken a great deal of work following the affair to change that. He does not share his feelings with other people or what is going on in his life. He would not go to individual counseling outside of one time and then I made the appointment immediately following revelations of the affair. We went to marriage counseling once and did not go back.

He did go to a Retrouvaille International weekend with me and a few of the follow up sessions. He is open to anything I read and is willing to discuss. I tried to get him to listen to His Needs Her Needs and he had to stop because he got very angry. He felt like he was being blamed for my affair. I tried to explain that was not the case at all. After two days of him listening and for several hours afterward being incredibly angry and hostile toward me I was relieved when he stopped listening to the book.

That is why Harley doesn't recommend HNHN to couples in your situation. HNHN is written as a WARNING to couples. Surviving an Affair is written to couples who have been through affairs. THAT is the book you should use.

I can understand why your husband would be angry reading that, after he had endured an affair.

I agree. Do you have the book Surving an Affair?

I am going to choose that you mean well in your response.

Obviously I am concerned about what we are doing or I would not be here!

In the beginning we stumbled and did a great deal of things that were less than ideal. I am working to rectify those issues which is why I busted my butt to get in grad school so I could get a better job-one that is away from my AP. One that will allow us to have the financial resources to move so we can get away from these people.

Initially I felt as though I should defer a great deal of things to my husband because I had greatly wronged him. I took many of his choices away by having the affair so I was willing to go along with several of his choices following the affair. At the time we were not following Dr. Harley's plan. Now I see the importance of implementing NC and not allowing even a chance to run into this other person. I believe my husband naively believed if we were working on our marriage and closer that seeing this other person wouldn't be a problem. I thought maybe it was possible even though I knew not being around the AP was clearly the ideal solution.

As for the marriage retreat we registered for that back before the affair ended. I believe the other couple found out we were going because of where I work and they chose to register knowing we would be there. I will fully admit for a while that pride may have kept me doing some things I did not want to feel as though they were dictating what I do. But I realize just how wrong of a mentality that was. By removing myself from the situation such as my job, church, etc. I am choosing my marriage.

Yes I have the book Surviving the Affair on Audible as well as a paperback copy. It is easier to get my husband to listen than it is to read. I will immediately suggest he listen to it. He only started listening to HNHN after I finished it and told him I thought it had some great information.

I will even give Surviving the Affair another read. I am sure there are things I missed as I read it at the height of our struggle following DD.

My husband has not listened to anything or read anything about affairs. I believe this is not helpful because he does not realize the gravity of the situation. He does not realize that even if by some miracle he is okay with seeing the AP that I am not. And by continuing the contact he is making me at risk to rekindle the affair. I can tell you after going a prolonged period of time and not seeing my AP I am doing very well. I see him and then I cannot stop thinking of him and then I get angry.