I feel like most of the stories I have read related to reconciliation both partners were for sure wanting to reconcile and were committed to that. But, what happens if only one person is sure? How long should I wait? It has been 4 weeks since I found out my husband of 15 years had been cheating on me. He had an emotional and physical affair for 2 years with a co-worker. I stumbled onto this website almost immediately after and it has been my saving grace. So thank you to Dr Harley. My goal is reconciliation. I want us to commit to following all of the Harley steps to reconciliation and fall in love again and make this marriage better and stronger than it ever could. However, my husband is unable to make this same commitment. We have been going to counseling weekly both as couples and individuals. We have read Surviving an Affair as well as His needs Her Needs. We both completed the questionnaires and we actively have positive discussions regarding how we can better meet each other's needs. We have been going on dates. While he does still work with the lover, he has cut all communication with her and claims he has not seen or spoken to her since the day he ended things. He doesn't want to leave or separate at the moment. I feel like he is coming out of the withdrawal fog. He seems generally happier and more involved at home. We are intimate multiple times a week. Our intimate conversation is getting better and more natural. My focus and energy has been solely on figuring out his needs and how I can meet them, why I wasn't able to before, and how to not go back to that point. The one thing that holds me up is that he is still unable to say I WANT TO STAY MARRIED. He said he has felt in his mind for so long that divorce is the only option it is hard for him to see any other way. He cannot commit one way or another so while we are both doing all of these reconciliation actions, I still feel like I am in limbo. I feel like it is hard for me to go all in not knowing if he is going to go all in. It feels incredibly unfair given the fact that I was the one lied to and cheated on. My personal counselor has helped me tremendously. I have had monumental revelations personally and about our relationship. I know I love this man and I want us to fall in love again. But I need him to say the same. It has only been 4 weeks and I am trying to focus on the fact that he is doing all of the actions that we have learned from Dr. Harley. I am just unsure how long I should continue moving towards reconciliation without him being able to tell me for sure and to actually commit. Some days I wake up angry that I do not have a man wanting to fight for me and I want to just kick him out. I deserve that kind of love. But then a big piece of me just keeps trying to focus on the actions and not the outcome. How long should I wait before/if I force him to make a decision? Should I be the one to initiate a separation? Should I just continue to focus on forward progress and not put so much pressure on the end result?

Welcome to MB.

I'm sorry to tell you, but the affair has never ended if he still works with her. This will keep him in the affair and the affair will remain active.

He needs to quit that job immediately and if he won't you need to go into Plan B.

Is the OW married?

Who all has the affair been exposed to? Was it exposed to his job? Yes

Thank you!

Even if he has not seen or spoken to her? He has told me he is willing to consider switching jobs. It's a huge decision though.. This is his dream job. Well paid. . He goes out of his way to prove to me he is not talking to her or even seeing her. We have spoken about this a lot. The withdrawal and the need to leave the job I necessary. But again, he hasn't committed to reconci.

The next day it was exposed to their boss. There is a legal team and HR involved now to keep them separate. Our parents and closest friends know.

Is the OW married?

Also, do you have the book Surving an Affair?

What's holding him back is that he is still involved with this other woman. Even if you can be absolutely sure that he does not see her at work (and I doubt you can be absolutely sure of that, even with HR keeping them apart), he is being continually triggered by going to the same place she works, and where they conducted their affair, day after day - and so are you.

Ask him to hand in his notice tomorrow, and take leave until his notice runs out. During that time he can look for another job without actually being unemployed. If he has to take a pay cut, and not take another dream job, so be it.

The thing is that he can have his dream job at that company, but while she also works there, you and he cannot have your marriage. The choice is that simple.

If he won't hand in his notice by this coming Monday morning, ask him to move out. You will make yourself ill trying to end this affair by meeting his needs. He did not have an affair because you were not meeting his needs. He had an affair because he found a woman who was also willing to give him sex, attention and flattery, and he didn't have to wash the dishes and mow the lawn as a price for that.

Two years is a very long time for him to have led a secret second life. The fact that he hasn't woken up and realised that he has made the greatest mistake of his life shows that he wants this affair, and in some way is still having it. You need to step out of his way, and protect yourself in Plan B.

How old are your kids? Have they been told about the affair?

How far do you live from OW? You probably need to move home as well. You cannot risk either of you ever running in to her in the neighbourhood - and as I understand American towns, a "neighbourhood" could cover 10 miles, given that you all drive so much.

You are wasting a lot of money in counselling, both marital and individual. If your counsellor is not telling him to change jobs immediately, and telling you to remove him from your home if he doesn't, then she is harming your marriage.

Hi lala, welcome to Marriage Builders. I wanted to address this comment:


Since he sees her at work everyday, he will never START withdrawal. Recovery is impossible. This is where you need to start. He needs to turn in his notice tomorrow or you should ask him to move out immediately. Recovery is hopeless as long as he works there. STEP ONE, which is no contact for life must take place before you can go to STEP TWO.

Nothing you do, all the "counseling," filling out questionaires will be of any use unless he first leaves the job. It will be like a falling down drunk reading the AA Big Book and expecting to improve his alcoholism. Except in this case, your husband knows nothing will change as long as he has you at home and his lover at work. He has the best of both worlds.

So, first things first, he must end the job in order for this to EVER move forward.

He has made a commitment: to you BOTH. He has chosen you BOTH and has the best of both worlds. This has gone on for years and can go on for many more years.


He doesn't have to fight for you because you have thrown yourself at him. Why fight for something that has been freely handed over with no conditions? This makes you much less attractive and makes it much less likely he will ever fight for you.


Your focus is very misplaced and will never achieve the objective you seek. I am sorry.

Even the dumbest adulterers can get around HR. HR can't possibly watch them all the time. Who exposed this to HR?

Is the OW married? Have you exposed this to her family and friends?

I understand what everyone is saying. Thank you for the blunt honesty.

The OW is not married. He has opened up all of his email and everything to me. But you are right. Even if he doesn't see her. She is there along with the reminder of the affair. He says he doesn't want to make any decisions right now because he is focusing on figuring out what led to the affair. Apparently his feelings of not being in love with me were going on for many years before the affair. I figured it was just fog from the affair causOmg him to think that. The pain of this will never end will it? 😭 Our children are 10 and 8. I believe I know the right thing to do. But bringing them into my pain seems unfathomable. He has said that changing jobs is not out of the question. I am secretly hoping the OW leaves. This has disrupted our lives enough.

He can go see her anywhere, anytime and you won't be told. You can look at his email, everything and will never be the wiser. He won't tell you.


No. He is focusing on how to continue his affair while keeping you at home. He doesn't have to make any decisions.

He can give you alot of distracting tactics about "figuring out what led to the affair." We KNOW what led to his affair: he has poor boundaries around women. Or maybe he should do what most waywards love to do? Go to "counseling" for a few years to "figure out what led to the affair" while his marriage dies. These are delaying tactics to avoid addressing the real problem: HIS AFFAIR.


Oddly, having an affair does little to restore the romantic love in a marriage. GO FIGURE!


What Dr Harley would advise is that he give his notice TOMORROW or you should separate. He should never go there again unless it is to turn in his notice.

Dr Harley would not advise that you a) go to counseling b) distract yourself by filling out questionnaires at such a critical time. ALL OF YOUR FOCUS SHOULD BE ON ENDING THIS AFFAIR IMMEDIATELY.

Your children should be told about his affair. Please go read the link about exposure in my signature.

So, is that your plan? To "secretly hope" that she will leave? For how long do you plan to do this?

How did you find out about the affair? Who exposed it at work?

I discovered it thru phone records. I told him he had to end it that day or leave. He also had tell his boss and our family. I wanted to wait to tell the kids until I was in a more stable place. I've Read all about telling them. I just can't bring myself to do it yet until we have a clearer path...Separation or reconciliation. He chose that day to stay and figure out what he wanted with me and he chose to end it with her. It was all confirmed in an email to HR, corporate lawyer, boss, myself and the OW. He is in a VP position so there are legal reasons behind everything he is doing at work.

The problem is that you are allowing him to lead your "recovery." That is like allowing a falling down drunk to drive your family home in the car. You are headed to a very, very bad place by focusing on all the wrong things. Step one is complete separation from the OW, that has not happened here. Withdrawal and recovery can NEVER happen until this step is taken. Filling out the questionaires, going to counseling is all a distraction from saving your marriage.

Please believe me. I say this with kindness. Those of us posting to you have been through this ourselves - are recovered - and see huge problems here.

If you want to save your marriage, you should begin by exposing this affair. To everyone, your children, close family, friends. Your husband must leave that job immediately. Your marriage cannot survive as long as they work together.

Dr. Harley would tell you to separate from him if he won't leave the job and commit to the marriage within THREE weeks. You have now been dealing with this for FOUR WEEKS. The reason? Women have nervous breakdowns and suffer psychosomatic illnesses from dealing with this. AS such, it makes them much more unattractive to their husbands, making reconciliation less likely.

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What is your absolute PROOF that these people were informed of this affair? Have you personally spoken to them?

WHAT was confirmed in an email exactly?

I was CC'd on the email with the boss, HR, OW, and lawyer. They are all legit work emails and they responded with "verified". The email stated that they all verify they spoke regarding the affair, that they agreed to end it, and he apologized to the boss for putting him in that situation and asked for patience while he worked this out with his family.