I understand. But I would not put this off. I would make moving your #1 priority, because I believe it is the #1 reason you and your H are not recovering. You are both perpetually triggered by living in the same environment in which the affair occurred. Did you see my post about contacting Dr Harley to enlist his help in persuading your H to move?

Yes I did and I am going to contact Dr. Harley. I am composing the email right now.

In the meantime I am going today to register at the new church parish that is in the next town over. I will also switch my kids extra curricular activities. We will not grocery shop, frequent restaurants, or anything else where we currently live and will instead start doing everything in this other town. I think incorporating ourselves there will make it easier to convince my husband to move.

That's great!

That is fantastic!!

Let us know when you hear back from Dr. Harley.

Will do. Thank you for the guidance. I suspected we were doing a great deal of things wrong but this further confirms it. Good to hear from people that follow Dr. Harley's advice and are doing really well. If you are not thriving you are just surviving.

You got it!!

I had a lengthy discussion with my husband last night. How can I get him to understand?

He just does not get how serious it is for me to be exposed to my AP frequently through church, children's sports, etc. He says he should not have to live his life worrying that me seeing this other person is going to cause the affair to start back up again. The affair shouldn't start back up again because I don't want it to start up again.

He has very reluctantly agreed to listen to Surviving the Affair. I believe he avoids anything related to the affair almost as if out of sight out of mind. I feel as though he has placed all the recovery and rebuilding our marriage on me. And I feel worn out and exhausted. I have read every resource I can regarding affair recovery. The times we have been to counseling I scheduled the appointment. The time we went to Retrouvaille I registered us all he had to do was show up!

I have emailed Dr. Harley but I honestly don't know if my husband would listen to anything he has to say. My BH is so pissed after listening to HNHN that I fear he has written off anything Dr. Harley may say of value.

Have there been other individuals on the forum, WS, that have been far more committed to recovery than the BS?

You can share this with Dr Harley when he contacts you. While your husband doesn't understand the dynamics of an affair, you DO. So you need to make sure your marriage is affair proofed and that you are doing everything in your power to avoid contact with the current limitations.

And yes, we have had many WS's over the years who were committed to recovery while the BS was not. When the WS is a female, Dr Harley typically recommends separation because of the emotional damage this can cause. Hopefully it doesn't come to that and Dr Harley can give you some creative solutions.

Yet he does nothing to avoid your affair partner so he stays TOP OF MIND.

Could you explain the part about female WS and separation? I am not sure I understand.

It makes no sense to me why he thinks putting me in this position is a good idea. And you are right I do know the dynamics of affairs. I am terrified of what happens if my AP were to try and talk to me. And I worry it is a very real possibility someday. I like to think I would turn and run the other way and never have an affair again. But the thing is I never thought I would have an affair the first go around. I had a very strong emotional attachment to my AP and he to me. He even went so far as to see a divorce attorney. I feel like constantly being exposed to this person is playing with fire.

The thing is it isn't good for my BH either. Once he got so angry he confronted my AP at a kids soccer game. Thank goodness no one was around and it did not end in fists. My husband seems to think it actually helped both him and the AP. My AP apologized and my husband felt he was sincere. But that was not premeditated. What happens the next time my husband is having a bad day and happens to see him and decides to confront the AP. It may not end so well.

I feel like I start to do well and am getting to a healthy place emotionally. Then I see my AP and it gets bad again. I go back to the self loathing and disgust. And I start obsessing and wondering what my AP is doing, how is his marriage going, etc. It takes a couple days to get over each encounter.

The affair has taken its toll on my health as well. I have started having a lot of health issues like severe fatigue. My doctor tested my hormones and they are put of balance. She asked why my stress hormones were so high. I just laughed.

Women do not fare very well when they are in bad marriages, whereas, men can put up with the stress much, much longer. Men and women react very differently.

Oh ok. I remember in Surviving the Affair he did not recommend BWs to stay past 2 weeks if the WH continued to engage in the affair because the stress caused a rapid deterioration in health. I didn't know that went for WWs as well if reconciliation is not working out.

In some ways my BH has been wonderful. He has not thrown it up in my face daily like I know some WS receive. He says he believes I am a good person that just made a terrible mistake. He says he understands that our marriage prior to the affair we were not meeting one another's needs. He is willing to try and work on those needs now. But he absolutely does not get the seriousness of ongoing contact with the OM and his family and how that seriously hinders my recovery.

I understand that you are trying to convey that you agree strongly with Dr Harley's advice to move away from the OM but this type of post about him isn't necessary to do that and it isn't helpful to your recovery.

We all know how addictive affairs are. You may not realize it but looking for these little ways to bring up the OM is giving you a fix and I would advise you to avoid bringing it up.

There was another WW poster here whose BH did not want to move or disrupt their children's lives at all. He was constantly triggered and they did not make much progress in their R. After a few years he finally told her he wanted a D.

Dr Harley's advice to her (before it had gotten to that point) was to move away and invite him to join her.

Point taken.

That is precisely what my BH says he does not want to disrupt our children's lives. We moved back to town to be near both sets of our parents after living away for over 10 years and having no support system. My husband thinks it would be terrible to take the children away now after they have grown close to family.

It almost feels as though I am the one constantly being triggered instead of my husband. Although I am willing to bet he is triggered as well he just chooses not to talk about it or stuffs those feelings down. I do not see how we can fully recover if we remain here. I am having a difficult enough time as it is restoring feelings of romance love in my marriage.

Kids typically adapt very well to moving. Kids DON'T adapt well to divorce, which is the bigger threat to them. Their security is contingent upon their parent's intact marriage and that is being threatened.

If I have other questions not related to my initial post regarding anger and continued exposure to the AP can I ask those here or should I make a new thread?

It is best to stick to one thread so you can ask those here.

Most of the regular seasoned posters will respond to posts in any of the threads.