Hi everyone,
A little background before I go into story, I work in the transportation industry, so I am often away from home at least half the month. This is I believe a large part of the problem in my marriage, that has opened the door to other issues.

My wife has had an affair in the past, and it is something that we worked through and I thought had put behind us. The problem though, is I believe she has had another affair, at least an emotional one. She places a lot of the blame on the "conditions being ripe for it" on my absence (due to my career)

A few months ago, my wife told me she wasn't happy and we started to go to counseling. While in counseling, she talked about how she has felt "abandoned" for years by the time away from home my career requires from our family. This has led her to resent me and she has become angry about everything to do with my career, and by default then, me.
Through months of counseling she has finally come out and said she wants a divorce. I have gotten her to agree to wait until after the end of the school year before making changes (to not overly disrupt our kids).

I'm just unsure where to go from here. She says she loves me, but is not in love with me. So that makes me feel like there could be hope to make it work. I want to fight, and fight hard for my marriage, but I don't know believe she's willing to put in the hard work it would take. And, after one affair and what I believe was a second one, I'm not sure if I can trust her again to make a go at it. But I want to try, if for no other reason than our kids.

I've started working on my Plan B, in case/when we split, but I really do not want to get divorced. And I might just be having trouble calling it what it is. Over.
Should I have any hope?

Do you all have any advice?

Thank you

Welcome to MB.

How Long have you been married? How old are your children? Was the OM married? Was her affair ever exposed? If so, to whom?

It sounds like your marriage never recovered from her affair.

Are you willing to quit your job and find a job that you are home every night? What spyware do you have in place?

Read this Traveling Jobs

This is what needs to happen. Is your WW going to do what is needed? Also, do you have the book Surviving an Affair?


From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Thanks for the reply,
Sadly I think you're right, that the marriage never recovered from the first affair.
We've been married 13 years now.. kids are younger, 5&7.
The first affair was exposed to family members, this one has so far been exposed to family, but she denies it's an affair, just calls it a friendship that went too far.
No spyware, her phone has always been on lockdown since the first day she had a smart phone.

As for my job, I'm not willing to change careers. I'm a Pilot, and have worked 10 years to get where I am today, and I'm doing something I've wanted to do my entire life. Plus, if/when my marriage falls apart, I'm in a position to support myself and my kids.

Her family all knows about the current issues, but Sadly I don't think she cares that they know. She's been unwilling to make any substantive changes that would begin to rebuild trust in our marriage. Sounds like I'm making my own argument for which way to go.

Am I a fool for continuing to have any hope? I guess I'm just stuck on the fact I loathe the idea of my kids growing up in a divided house. And I really do still love her, but I'm my patience is wearing thin with his things are now.

Thank you for the book recommendation. I'll check that out.

Yes, you are. Under these conditions your marriage will never work. She has told you this. What has happened is that she has moved on to someone else since you don't put her first in your life. Like Dr. Harley always says, anything that comes before marriage will eventually come between it. That is what has happened here.


That is great, but you can't expect to have this career and be married at the same time. Divorce and infidelity are epidemic in traveling jobs because being apart destroys marriages. As you have found out the hard way.

It has come at the expense of your marriage and your children's family. Your family has sacrificed everything good for your career.

While I can completely accept what you are saying, I know far too many people, including my parents thy have made a marriage succeed, with the airline industry to say that my job is the sole reason this is failing.

But, thank you for our posts

Your marriage has failed, though. Yes, we know people who have stayed married in such marriages, but we also know many more that have not. Yours has not. Divorce is epidemic in your occupation.

The most troubling thing about this situation is that you openly admit that your career comes before your marriage and your children's family. Your wife should divorce you under those conditions.

We CAN help you save your marriage, but only if you find a career that brings you home every night. Only if you eliminate the conditions that have wrecked your marriage. No more traveling away from your wife. There might be opportunities to do that as a pilot, such as a training position at the airlines. I don't know, but unless you take your marriage more seriously, there is nothing we can do to help you.

In other words, nothing we advise you to do can overcome the damage caused by your traveling job.

What has happened here is that your wife has met someone new and wants to replace you. While you are off traveling, she is meeting men and probably even bringing them around your children. Your family is suffering in your absence. Your marriage is on life support.

When a couple is not together every night, they eventually fall out of love. When they fall out of love, they are both vulnerable to an affair. This has now happened to you TWICE. Your wife is lonely and is seeking other men.

Divorce is epidemic in such marriages for this reason.

Sure, your wife could decide to just stay married to you when she fell out of love, like some couples do, but many spouses do not make that choice. [we don't call just staying married a "success"] Instead, they choose to move on with someone who will be there for them.