Hi everyone. I found out about marriage builders 3 days ago but I've known about my husband's affair for three weeks. I gave him a link to this site in hopes it could help.
My husband's affair was/is with one of his employees and I've told him I need him to leave his job. I was willing to reluctantly accept that he needed to give a months notice because he is in management but he is still acting unsure about quitting. He called her and talked to her for 15 minutes behind my back a few days ago and of course said it was about work when I asked about the call. She tested him in the middle of the night last night and he told me about it and I thanked him for being honest. He has used about 50% more mobile data since I learned of the affair and they stopped talking on the phone and texting excessively so I suspect he is possibly snap chatting with her which he denies.
At this point I feel like if he will not give his notice at work I should ask him to leave until he makes his decision. I'm just wondering if that sounds reasonable? I also consider him an alcoholic and he has never respected my wish for him to stop drinking so maybe I'm fighting a losing battle anyway. I'm currently reading Surviving an Affair but if anyone has advice I'd appreciate it. Thanks

Hi Montgomery, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. I would FIRST expose the affair to everyone. Start with his workplace and expose to everyone else using the templates in my Exposure 101 thread.

Is the OW married? If so, have you exposed to her husband and family?

Thanks for the reply MelodyLane. Yes, the OW is married with children at home but FWIW her and her husband sleep separately. I know this only because I went to a pool party at her house in August and when she gave me a tour of her home she made sure I knew it was her bedroom and her husband slept in the basement. I don't have her husband's phone number but I do know where they live so I might have to stop by their house or something. Thanks for the input. I'll review the exposure information right now.

So when do you plan to do the exposure and to the workplace?

Also, have you been tested for STD/STI?

Good girl! I would start with an exposure to her husband and the workplace. The best exposures are a) comprehensive and b) done all on the same day to achieve a tsunami effect.

The fact that the OW and her H sleep separately is not relevant to the situation; he is still her husband. I can see how she would say that to you, though, in the hopes you would repeat that lie to your husband. Most cheaters tell their adultery partners they don't sleep with their spouses.

Thanks BrainHurts, Tuesday seems like the best day for the exposure.

I haven't been tested for std/sti yet but I know I need to so I will do that this week as well.

Good!! Let us know so we can help you through it! You're doing the right thing.

Also, since he refuses to end his affair you should make plans for Plan B. Have you read up on Plan B?

I would not bring this site back up and do not tell him you are posting here. He is wayward and you do not want to tip him off in advance to the advice and strategies you will receive here.

If he sees your thread he will definitely try to stop you from following much of the advice you are given. Do not let him manipulate you out of acting on the advice you are given here, like exposure. Do not discuss anything (like exposure) with him in advance, that just gives him a chance to try to talk you out of it or go give his inaccurate side of the story to everyone before you act. (Also why you want to do exposure all at once.)

Good luck!

Thanks for the support and insight MelodyLane. My husband and I went to her house together for the pool party and he says they were not in a relationship at that time but the phone records show they were regularly talking and texting. He actually hasn't admitted to anything physical and I have no evidence other than multiple regular and lengthy phone calls at all hours of the day and night.

I have read about plan B. I suppose that's the reason for my original post. When it became apparent that he didn't want to leave his job and it seemed like separating might be better for my own health until he will break all ties with her. My other dilemma is that I have no hard evidence of a physical relationship between them and he denies even kissing her. He told me yesterday he is going to put in a request for a transfer to a location across town where he wouldn't see her anymore. He is the major breadwinner right now as I only work part-time but I'm looking for a full-time job. Now I hesitate to out him at work because he could get fired although I believe they would probably just brush it under the rug anyway. FWIW He also agreed to get a new phone and not give her the number.

Hi AnyWife, That thought crossed my mind when I posted here. I haven't mentioned this site anymore but he knows I'm reading Surviving an Affair. I noticed that to get to the forum you have to seek it out so hopefully he doesn't notice it. Thanks for thinking of me.
ETA: Just to clarify I gave him the link to the main site but not the forum.

what is your evidence? I would take his phone and get the evidence even if you have to buy a text retreiver. You told us in the initial thread he was having an affair and now you say you have no evidence. I am confused.

Secondly, did you read the recommendations about workplace exposure in the exposure thread? His job will be of no use to you if you are divorced and competing with the OW for his income.

Yes, I read it but I will re-read it again. Maybe I'm just being a coward or confused. The only evidence I have is cell phone records showing how often they were calling and texting but I don't know the content of the conversations. He hasn't admitted to anything other than talking to her. I guess I need to find a text retriever. Thanks for the tip MelodyLane.

You need a text retriever. IIWY I'd see about getting a PI to follow him today. If he offered to change jobs that quickly, there is more going on than you know.

Have you checked the bank and credit card records?

Call and text logs are not evidence of an affair. What you need is the content. You can get this by looking on his phone, reading the texts and forwarding them to yourself.

I am even more confused now. Did he or did he not admit to an affair?

He admits to an affair but refuses to give me any details. I will have to get the text retriever for details. I probably should have done that first but I didn't know about marriage builders when I confronted him. The length, volume and time of the calls in combination with 30+ text messages in a one twelve hour period alone and middle of the night messaging seemed like adequate evidence before I found this site.

He only agreed to request a transfer because I told him I needed him to do that to save our marriage. The bank account and credit cards look fine but he has cash from doing side work with his brother. She lives right by their work so they could easily go to her house while her husband is at work and her kids in school. She works three 12 hour shifts so I think they probably spend time together at her house on her off days.

Hi Montgomery.

Did you read the full Exposure 101 thread posted in MelodyLane's signature? I saw that you said Tuesday would be a good day for exposure, but I am concerned that it is Tuesday and you don't seem to be planning to do a full and comprehensive exposure. A halfway exposure will be far less effective. The Exposure 101 thread will give you the information you need on how to properly expose. You need to be making a list of people to expose to both on your side as well as the OW's side.

I would be more concerned about a drawn out affair or divorce to deal with than your WH losing his job. I know it is scary to think about, but your WH can find a new job if it comes to that. You need to think long term here and not just how scary that prospect is in the moment. Here are the long term options if he stays at that employer and you never expose: 1) he continues the A and continues to lie and gaslight you about the it (as he is already doing btw), 2) he doesn't continue the A but you really never know because he works with OW every day anyway (this will drive you equally insane and make recovery impossible), 3) he eventually leaves you for OW and they both stay at the employer, and you have to compete with OW for any portion of his ongoing salary. If you think there is an option 4) he stays at his job, ends the A, and you recover and have a happy marriage...we can assure you by experience that this will *never* happen as long as he continues to work with OW. Unless OW decides to quit on her own and move far away, which is unlikely to happen.

So you can see that exposing to the workplace is absolutely necessary. The only reason not to is if he agrees to leave that job on his own. You have graciously given him that opportunity and he has failed yet to do it. I would also think long and hard about a 'transfer' as he needs to have NO CONTACT FOR LIFE with the OW. Can he transfer and have no contact for life? Will he be far far away from her and never have the possibility of running into her? If you cannot answer yes to that question, I would make it a requirement that he find a new job altogether.

I would put spyware on his phone and also a VAR in his car to get more solid evidence. His admission is solid evidence, however I am confused as to what he actually admitted to here... If you don't get more information within a day or two after doing this, I would consider hiring a PI to follow him. It should be easy to get information if they are hooking up at the OW's house.

Meanwhile make a full list of who you will be exposing to. Go to OW's facebook page and copy her friends list so you have that ready too.