Was reading another post where someone mentioned information on addiction intervention. I haven't been able to find it. Can someone please post the link?

Also, I have to ask - is it even ok for me to be posting here knowing he would be furious if he ever found out? He's a total "fixer" personality and if something is too broken for him to fix without the help of others, he'd rather just discard and replace it. I think that's why he's so good at his job. He has no qualms whatsoever, as most people do, about deciding to fire people or even close entire stores if they aren't performing up to his standards. I often wonder if this is his problem with our son. He can't fix him, so he avoids him because he can't accept it. Perhaps it's even why he's working so much lately - he hates my health issues because he can't fix them so he just avoids me.

Are you saying that he sometimes stays out all night?

His job requires it. He is a district manager and currently also acting regional manager for a large chain store. Every morning he reports to the regional office to get his assignments for the day and to attend meetings. He spends the rest of the day primarily traveling to the stores he is responsible for. As acting regional (a position he hopes to be offered permanently) he is responsible for a very large area - his northernmost store is almost to Canada, his southernmost is on the PA border, and east to west goes from Syracuse to Buffalo. If you know upstate NY, you know that's a lot of space to cover. We live between Syracuse and Rochester but about an hour south of I-90 so if he has to go to Buffalo or even Watertown he's probably going to spend the night. Also if there is a crisis that can't be controlled in a day. For example he expected to be home nights this week but now he's stuck out of town unexpectedly because a store manager quit suddenly and he has to be there until they either promote the assistant manager or hire somebody new. This has been known to take 2-3 weeks. New store openings and store closings have had him gone for over a month at times. He does come home on weekends if at all possible. Not that he ever spends any of that time with us, he's usually at Tully's or O'Grady's Pub or someplace like that watching sports with his "bros." He's already told me not to plan anything the next few weekends because of the NFL playoffs. Then it will be March Madness. Then baseball season will start and he and his brother and their parents will be off to every Yankees home game they can possibly manage. When I complain, his response is usually along the lines of be grateful he's not into pro basketball or hockey or auto racing as well. And he takes it SOOOOO seriously! This year, when the Yankees sucked, and the Bills sucked, and it looks like Syracuse basketball might not even make it to the tournament - he's is such a bad mood all the time that it's almost a relief that he's NOT around more. Nothing quite like the mood of a man coming home drunk and pissed off that his team just got trounced again.

And when he has to spend the night somewhere he doesn't always let you know? Am I understanding you correctly?

I strongly think you need to have spyware put on his devices. Can you get this done ASAP?

It's not that he doesn't let me know it's that he doesn't always do it in what I would consider a respectful time frame. He knows I start supper at 5. He should know by 5 whether or not he will be home that night, in time to let me know not to bother making/waiting dinner for him.

As far as his mobile devices, his phone, tablet, and laptop are all provided by and the property of his employer. I'm guessing it would be illegal for me to install anything on them he's not even allowed to put apps on them without prior approval from his IT department. Since they foot the bill, we've never seen the need to pay for him to have a private phone. Because it is a work phone and he's a fairly high ranking manager he has pass codes on everything. As far as our home computer, he only uses it for video games. We don't have high speed internet at home so he doesn't do MMORPG. Although I guess he does play WoW sometimes from his hotels. He has no social media accounts that I am aware of unless he is using an alias. He's always told me he thinks FB is nothing more than a chat room for immature female gossip and he has no use for it.

What do you do if you simply can't come to an agreement and it's been something you've been arguing about for YEARS? I am so tired of him spending all his non working hours watching sports but he just refuses to stop spending all his free time at the bar. This issue has existed since long before our son was born so it's not an avoidance thing. I used to go to these kinds of things with him but with my anxiety issues I just can't handle sports bars anymore they are just too loud. Not to mention the second game won't be over until around midnight and there's no way I'm leaving my son with a sitter for 8 hours straight 2 days in a row every weekend for the next month. I've gone so far as to offer to host game nights at our home but he says he likes the crowds and the "camaraderie" of the bar environment. While I worry about him getting hurt or arrested in a bar fight or DWI. Both of which he has done in the past.

After 4 days away this week he got home about midnight last night and went straight to bed. In the guest room not our bedroom. By 8 am he was already gone again said he had to go into his main office to catch up on paperwork. Told me not to expect him home until late because they are planning on going to O'Gradys for the 2 wild card games today. Tomorrow they are doing the same thing. He suggested I call my parents and that son and I spend the weekend with them if I "can't handle" being alone. I've been crying for the past half hour. I don't know if I can do this anymore. I feel like a single parent. Not to mention unloved, unwanted, and unimportant from his point of view.

You are a single parent and what you are describing is not a marriage. I would read this article about when to call it quits and come back and we can help you with next steps. here

Ok so what do I do now? Am I already at the point where I should be separating from him, or should I implement the HNHN and LB and POJA as much as possible when he IS home and just set a deadline on how long I am willing to do it?

And since my husband seems to think I am too needy, should I consider implementing the 180 program and see if he is more attracted to me if he sees me seeming to have a perfectly good life without him? When we met I had been living on my own for 15 years and was very independent and self sufficient and that was a big part of what he liked about me. Having a disabled child and having me not be able to drive or hold a job outside the home seems to make him feel overwhelmed by home responsibility.

Did you read the article?

Yes I did. I just don't know if all my past attempts to change things before I found HNHN are already enough to justify leaving now. Especially since I really don't want a divorce. I was raised to believe that divorce was not an option other than for adultery or physical abuse. I KNOW my family and church community will not think I have grounds to leave him. It's a hard thing to get past.

I will admit that I think my Love Bank for him is not only empty but negative. I'm guessing from his behavior that he feels the same way about me.

But the article does not suggest you "leave now;" it recommends doing Plan A for 30 days. You would begin by sending him a letter asking him to join you in a marriage, outlining the things that need to change to make you happy. You should do your best Plan A for 30 days and then ask him to leave if he won't comply. You would probably want to file for legal separation to ensure you are protected financially. This is your best hope to achieve a happy marriage.

Have you written to Dr Harley yet?

What is this? Is is something that you have seen Dr Harley recommend?

During that 30 days you might want to think about using the POJA for your driving. I know that you said you had a depth perception problem but this is not required to pass your vision test. About 1 in 10 people have somewhere between impaired and zero depth perception. I'm as blind as a bat in one of my eyes as a result of a botched repair as a child and the only eye test I ever failed was the commercial pilot's test. Even for the private pilot's license this is not a requirement although you could argue that it should be.

Whatever agreement you come to, this might be a good way to reach out to your spouse since he is obviously troubled by the fact you do not drive. If you do this, remember to think outside the box!

My dr revoked my drivers license so unfortunately not an option. I got rear ended at a traffic light because I stopped WAY too soon and the other driver wasn't expecting it. I've also been falling lately when moving from one height to another because I misjudge the distances. I've had terrible dizzy spells since the accident as well which makes me worry that I probably shouldn't drive even if I could. The dr said the dizzy spells are probably due to the anxiety.

I've been talking to SIL (H's brother's wife) she is apparently having similar problems with his never being with her on weekends. We have agreed that we are going to leave the kids with MY (specially trained) sitter tomorrow and join the guys for their games. We just won't drink with them. I know H will call me a wet blanket for refusing to drink but I just don't like it anymore. Hopefully I won't have an anxiety attack. And maybe tomorrow morning I'll skip church and see if he wants a bedroom session before breakfast.

So what is the plan? Are you reading my posts?

I'm working on drafting an email. I'm still not sure about doing so because if my H found out I had contacted a counselor he would be furious. He would see it as a major betrayal. I don't think a forum would bother him so much.

The 180 is from the Divorce Busters program. It advocates distancing from your spouse hopefully to make yourself seem less needy and to find out if it bothers them. If it doesn't bother them you know you have a major problem. Of course considering he's never home he might not even notice. Either way, it's pretty obvious that I need to stop acting so needy when he is home. If he doesn't want to interact with or even see our son, so be it. I'll stop nagging him about it since from what I've been reading, nagging someone tends to make them want to do the exact opposite of what you are asking for.

Well, I can almost guarantee you he won't take the time to read a letter. I used to email him when he was out of town and he never answered. He finally admitted he wasn't even reading them. I stopped giving him holiday and birthday cards because he would just toss them in the trash without even opening them to read the messages. He is NOT a sentimental or romantic minded man. Which is fine with me because I'm not inclined that way either.

Really my first plan is to see how he reacts to my plans to spend tomorrow with him instead of at church or at home with our son. What I do from there depends at least partly on him.

I also hope to be able to discuss the MB system with him. Although since he refused to read HNHN I don't know what kind of reaction I will get. I know in the past I've tried The Love Dare and The Five Love Languages programs and he told me to knock off with the bull sh*t already.

I think you need to stick to one marriage programme. If you are doing this one, you need to be working along the path of the article that MelodyLane asked you to read. In this, Dr Harley recommends that you do Plan A for 30 days. That is the opposite of the "180". You cannot do MB and Divorce Busters at the same time.

Are you posting on the DB forum? Is there anything else from that programme that you re mixing in with MB?

Thats fine, you can still give it to him. He might choose not to read it now, but will later. When you ask him to leave you can refer to the letter. The letter should outline your feelings about the marriage and show him a path back. We can help you construct the letter. That is how this should all start.


You could read the letter with him and tell him what you need to stay in the marriage. You would then give him 30 days to get on board. If he doesn't get on board, it is at that point that you would ask him to leave.