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We are lining up a consult with a DUI Lawyer. Seeing he passed the field sobriety test we have a little bit of hope we can get the charges reduced. At this point in time we are not too familiar with the laws and what his options are. We have a couple of referrals from friends on good lawyers.

Dr Harley,

I thought I�d provide an update. It�s not the best news.

We had some terrible drama with our daughter this weekend and that has put a lot of our talks on hold. We busted her for lying about an upcoming set of plans that would never be approved by us and as such she had a bit of a fit and ended up running away from home. We had no choice but to involve the police. She spent a couple of days away at a close friend of the family. She is back home now, we sat down and discussed everything and we have a plan in place where we will discuss things rationally instead of what took place Friday. We told her we�re willing to negotiate her options for having fun but in the end we still have veto power over those things we feel could be unsafe for her.

My wife continues to avoid alcohol. She still communicates that I�m wrong in my assessment and I continue to tell her I�m not assessing anything other than her drinking hurts me and I cannot live with it. That I don�t want to live with the triggers and feelings it brings when I see her drink. She has the backing of all her enabler family and friends. Mother In Law who lived with a now passed away alcoholic, her sister who is her best friend who now lives with an alcoholic (they don�t have much of a relationship) and a couple of her coworkers who are her drinking companions. None of these people agree with what I�m doing. These are people my wife will not distance herself from. So that�s working against me here.

Meanwhile I have your support, the support of the forum and the support of my kids, my sister and brother in law and a couple of good buddies.

My wife doesn�t believe in some of your concepts. Despite having counseled with your daughter Jennifer and having read several of your books she simply just doesn�t agree with all of the concepts. For instance, she isn�t a believer in your POUA concept. She feels time apart is good so long as that time apart is doing something that makes that person feel happy and fulfills their life. In other words I don�t think my wife agrees in what you would call an integrated marriage where the most enjoyment one receives necessarily has to come from their spouse. That to some extent we�re too separate people having lives and activities together but also apart. I know if a couple can find that balance that�s fine but we do not have that balance. If I had to give you a number of our UA hours it would be a single digit number and probably a very low single digit number. Nowhere near what you would suggest in your teachings.

I continue to discuss with her the idea of finding things we like to do together so that our time has more quality to it. Today she does her thing like crochet while I�ll work on the computer, work out or play video games. We�re in the same house, we talk, mostly about necessary stuff like the kids our finances, etc and she feels that connection is enough.

She has told me she is going to seek her own form of marriage counseling and for some reason I am not allowed to attend. I�m at a loss there. She tells me there is more than one way for us to get help and that many of the teachings of MB just don�t work for her.

So I�m at a loss on what to do. I am not ready to separate although I�m sure that is mainly because I am scared of starting over and am a master at capitulating/procrastinating. I would love to spend the rest of my days with my wife. I just don�t know if we will ever have what I would consider to be a happy, romantic relationship.

I feel like my back is against the wall here. That I either do one of two things, follow the MB concepts which I�m thinking is going to lead to a separation or I allow her to lead us to some other form of help. I know all the statistics about failed marriage counseling. It�s my hope she finds someone that would agree with your concepts. I�m in wait and see mode there.

I am growing weary having to deal with this. Feeling like on the one hand I�m fighting for my marriage and on the other hand having my wife make me feel that all our problems are of my own doing. That I�m suddenly way to over the top trying to apply the MB concepts.

Any advice for me?

You must all think I'm a terrible father seeing all these things are happening. They're coming in bunches right now that's for sure.

I know we have a loving household. We express our love for each other on a daily basis. Our kids are good kids but are certainly making some horrible choices. Some days I feel things are spinning out of control. I'm doing what I can to keep our family unit functional.

I think it highly unlikely that anyone will think you are a bad parent. Almost all of us will have had similar episodes with our kids.

I do know, from my readings on the private forum, that Dr Harley advises that we do not "tell teenagers what do".

He is very much against being a disciplinarian with teenagers, or forbidding them to do things, as this often leads to running away, as you have seen, or self-harming. His advice with daughters tends to be to hold your breath until her teen years are over, and pray. With sons, if they are difficult, encourage them to leave home in their late teens.

The friends and family enablers that you speak of lead me baffled. Who thinks it is a good idea to drink? Everyone I know is cutting down, and many of my friends and colleagues are giving up alcohol for January ("Dry January"). I'm going to keep dry for as long as I can, after January is over.

Who the heck (over the age of 25) encourages people to drink????

Hi MrAlias,
It's common for the spouse of an alcoholic to think that most if not all of their marital problems are due to the spouse's drinking. And many of them are. But once the drinking stops, the rest of the problems of the marriage come through in living color. It becomes very clear that without alcohol, they have very little in common. You formed your relationship with her through a common habit of drinking together. When that was taken away by your decision to stop (which is very wise), what kept you together was removed. Now you are faced with the reality that you have very little in common, and must create a relationship from scratch. Your constant effort to reach her will probably pay off eventually, but it will be a very frustrating process.

I advise you to continue on the path you are following. Continue to ask her to join you in life, to become equal partners, meeting each other's needs, avoid hurting each other, and making decisions together. The MB plan is a plan of extraordinary care which is clearly to her advantage once she shakes herself loose from the long-term effects of being an alcoholic. You are her rescuer, even though she does not see that right now. Some day, however, she will. I hope you will still be married when that day arrives.
Dr. Harley

The less you tell your son (or wife) what to do, the easier they will both be to get along with. Your son's disrespect toward your wife is partly a function of his age (most teenagers are disrespectful) and partly a function of what he sees at home. Your best bet at this time in his life is to let him know that his disrespect hurts his mother, and pray that the time that it takes for him to develop an adult mind goes by quickly. I would not punish him at his age if I were you, and instead, try to treat him with the respect that you expect of him.

Another rule of thumb is that teenagers should not be punished. I know that may sound ridiculous to some, but my experience helping countless parents raise their children is that teens respond very negatively to punishment. While it may be difficult to find effective alternatives, punishment does more harm than good in helping a teen adjust to adult life.

Privileges such as cell phones, computers, driver's licence, etc. are at the discretion of parents and can be given as rewards for good behavior or taken away when that good behavior stops. When I talk about punishing, I refer more to physical punishment or grounding. I know of many cases where grounding has led to running from home or even attempted suicide.

Privileges such as cell phones, computers, driver's licence, etc. are at the discretion of parents and can be given as rewards for good behavior or taken away when that good behavior stops. When I talk about punishing, I refer more to physical punishment or grounding. I know of many cases where grounding has led to running from home or even attempted suicide.

We meet this afternoon with the lawyer to discuss the drinking and driving offense. The assistant and the law office made it sound like there may be an opportunity to get the number of penalty points on his license reduced. I'm hopeful there's more than just that.

MrA, the biggest concern would be how this will show on his background checks when applying for jobs. My company is pretty typical and he would not be able to work here with that on his record. WE go back 7 years and some companies go back 10. I hope your son's atty will fight this more aggressively so its not on his record.

I won't initiate it but if I'm put on the defensive I will explain the reasons why and ask them for their support in helping our marriage to heal.

Are you enthusiastic about going to this Christmas party?

This is just setting her up for failure IMO.

Thanks folks but my wife will never agree to NOT go to this party.

I'm in the position of trying to implement the principles I have learned here with a partner that isn't on board. So I'm having to make the best of any situation.

I agree this isn't the best situation for anyone and I'll most likely get a bunch of the Mrs' cold shoulder during the party. However this is an opportunity to show her that I, at least, can be pleasant and make life's moments enjoyable without having to drink to get there.

I may be taking Dr Harley's advice in the wrong context in this situation but I see it as the best alternative I have given she isn't onboard with his advice AT ALL. If I state we shouldn't go, which I did once and she chose to ignore, she will say she'll go without me "I already committed, the company has spent the money for our plates, etc, etc. Feel free to stay home if you want but I'm going.".