I had an affair 16 years ago with a co-worker that lasted about a year. The affair began as my wife and I were struggling with some issues getting pregnant with our second child (we now have 3 children). I did not acknowledge the affair at the time. My wife did receive a letter from an anonymous person before it ended and I suspect it was from the woman I was having the affair with. It exposed the affair but I lied to my wife saying that there was indeed an inappropriate relationship but nothing physical.I said the letter was a desperate move by the OW to end my marriage so I would be with her. This is a lie I told for the next 13 years as I feared that my wife would never forgive me for the affair.

After the affair began my alcohol use started to increase and I descended into alcoholism. I became a daily drinker slowly over time. 3 years ago I sought help for my alcoholism in AA and was maintaining sobriety through that. My alcoholism and the selfishness and lies that go with it hurt my wife deeply and really damaged any level of trust she had in me. That said, I was honestly trying to get my life back on track and change who I was. Throughout this time our marriage was suffering as my wife felt neglected and that she couldn't trust me. Our connection as loving partners was essentially gone.

20 months ago the affair came to light through a family member of mine exposing it to my wife. She was absolutely devastated. I have been faithful to her since the affair but she doesn't really know if she can believe that. I have wanted to go to counselling for the past 18 months but my wife has been trying to figure out what she wants. we have not had any sexual relationship for over 2 years now.

To make matters worse, I relapsed a month ago and she found out about it. I am back in AA for the last 3 weeks and am looking at a treatment program also.

I desperately want to save our marriage and build a relationship that makes us both happy and fulfilled. Understandably, my wife isn't sure this is what she wants. In fact, I think it is not what she wants but she is afraid of the impact separation and divorce will have on the kids and our lifestyle. I am the sole income earner and have been for 18 years. I make a very good living.

What can we possibly do? Is this relationship salvageable at all? I want my wife to just give me some indication of a willingness to try but I have not been able to get that since the affair was uncovered. I don't think she will ever forgive me. It's really eating me up although I feel I deserve it. I would do anything to take back what happened 16 years ago but I can't.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I'm so sorry for your BW. This is like a thousands cuts to her. Will she come here and post so that we may help her?

Have you read about Just Compensation?

Here What is Just Compensation?

Hi Matt, welcome to Marriage Builders. Will your wife come here so we can discuss her options with her? While forgiveness is not appropriate, your marriage can recover from this if she is willing. She has MUCH MORE than the average betrayed spouse to overcome since the crime has been compounded by 13 years of lies.

She has to deal with an affair AND years of lies to her about her life. The affair was critical information about her life that she was denied. Additionally, you drank again, so this might not be the best bargain for her.

Do you ever see or speak to this OW today? Do you still work together?


Right, you lied to her to save your own [censored], AT HER EXPENSE. I hope you don't think this was an appropriate excuse?


Will you take a polygraph? My question would be "are there other things you are lying about because you are afraid you won't be forgiven?" <-----that is probably what she thinks.

You never completed Step 8 and 9 in all this time?

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

I have not read just compensation but I will. I'm not sure she will come on here or not. I will tell her about it. I don't expect forgiveness at this point.

Wow. This is a perfect picture of exactly how she feels. I robbed her of the choice to get out 13 years ago and have made the situation worse with 13 years of lies.

I never see or speak to the OW and have not for 13 years or more. She quit several months after the affair ended. You know, I thought that my lie was justified to cover my rear but now know it's not. It was cowardly.

I agree that she thinks there are other things I'm lying about.

You clearly understand exactly what she is thinking and feeling which on the one hand is good to hear because I believe that it gives me a better understanding that all of her feelings are justified and it also hurts because I am so remorseful of the pain that I've caused her. I would do anything to make that pain go away.

When it comes to my wife I was told by my sponsor that I needed to do a living amends because anything say would be meaningless. That said, maybe that wasn't the best advice. I have of course said I'm sorry a million times but at this point sorry just isn't enough. I have no idea what kind of amends would actually be enough.

You mean your sponsor told you to continue to lie ["living amends"] to your wife? I get that, and have heard the same dumb advice from some at AA for 32 years, however, you took that advice so its all on you.

Amends comes from a) coming clean and b) affair proofing your marriage. Sorry means nothing because talk is cheap.

Did you read the article about Forgive and Forget that was posted above? That outlines what amends would look like.

Someone suggested something on here which would have worked for me. It may have come from Dr Harley originally. I have no idea if it would work for your wife of course.

The person suggested offering the betrayed spouse an uncontested divorce on the most generous possible terms which would include allowing her to remain in the marital home.

Had I been offered that as just compensation plus full transparency, I would have withdrawn my divorce action. Would that be a possibility for you?

I think his take was coming from the point of 'unless it would injure them or others'. I did read Firgive and Forget but will reread it. She's in hell right now.

This is a great article that explains how amends would look in infidelity: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

I am very familiar with the odd rationalizations. [that fall apart under examination] However, what hurts is the adultery and the lies. THAT is what injured her but she didn't know it at the time. The lies added MORE injury and I assure you she views it that way. Truth is the solution. The truth eventually comes out. Just think, if you had told your wife 16 years ago, this would be a distant memory.

I don't know many people who would use this excuse if their neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling his money. "I didn't tell him because I didn't want to hurt him." Yet we use that strange excuse when it comes to something much, much more harmful and devastating.

I agree with you. I would have been a million times better off if this was exposed at the time it happened. I think about that every day. I'm not looking for sympathy or even understanding. I'm looking for a way we can get through this somehow. I truly appreciate your perspective and thoughts. I would like to get into councelling but my wife isn't sure and I don't know how to find a good one from just 'anyone'. What's the first step? Maybe telling her about this site?

By the way, are you in recovery? You seem to have a lot of AA experience.

Have you read this, yet?

Here is another good read.
Beware of Bad Counselors

Ok, thats good. I just wanted to make sure you got it, and you do.


Absolutely. We are solutions oriented here.


I would avoid counseling at all cost. Marriage counselors are little more than divorce facilitators and you will end up divorced. They have a higher divorce rate than the general population and have no earthly idea how to save marriages.

Will you send her here and let us talk to her? We have a plan to save your marriage and if we can get her on board, we can teach you both the necessary steps.

Yes, I have been sober in AA for 31 years.

I have actually considered this and brought this up to her. Her response was that she would never put her childrens father in a position where he was struggling financially to try and make her happy...something to that effect.