I debated a while before summoning up the courage to post but here it goes...

Married 8 yrs, been together 15. I'm 31 she is 29. We met in high school. No kids.
Things slowly got stale in the marriage and we both have made some bad choices throughout the marriage. I noticed a growing rift in our marriage and started to make small changes over the past year. I've realized some of my mistakes in hindsight...definitely wasn't doing enough. Neither of us were meeting each other's needs.

Anyways, I started to noticed changes in my wifes behavior and decided to put a voice recorder in the bedroom. I was ashamed and felt guilty for listening, but I had a nagging feeling something wasn't right. Second night was a hit. I discover my wife having an affair. I honestly wasn't prepared. The phrase "it feels like your heart being ripped out of your chest" is accurate. I confronted her that day. She admitted to it and said that was the only time. Also admitted to him coming over once before but said nothing happened. She said that he had tried to do stuff. I actually believe this part. This was three 1/2 months ago.

I started reading material after the affair and have made several mistakes. I started out as the wimpy husband. Waited on her, fixed meals, bought things and left them as presents. Wrote letters. All this time I still continued to monitor the voice recorder...Long story short I purchased a video recorder and saw that she was still sexting him. This time I told her to leave. I didn't even bother confronting her with what I had. This was a month and a half after the affair.

She said she wanted to stay and would not have any contact with him. She confirmed that she was sexting but no pictures or videos...she took pics and videos...but didn't sent them...
A week later I asked if she has had any contact, she said no. Then I asked if she blocked him, and she said no, but then she did.

I will say that she has been better the last 2 months and I half believe she hasn't had contact. I think she probably does still have feelings for the OM.

I'm afraid I'm going through a false R though. She hasn't met a list I gave her...I told her it was something I required to heal...it was the minimum.
1. His name (still don't know who he is)
2. Detailed written timeline. (She does give a vocal one...more of a I'll answer any questions...)
3. All online user names and passwords, FB, Apple ID, etc
4. NC letter (I guess there is no real rush on this one.)

She hasn't done any of these. She is afraid I'll obsess over him if she tells me his name, or just says she is afraid to tell me. She did say he was unmarried with no kids and lives a few hours away.

Right now I'm almost to the point of just giving up. I know I should of done a massive exposure form the get go. Knowing she was still in contact with him the first month after dday and still cold to me while I was fighting as hard as ever took a lot out of me.

Right now I'm wondering: is exposure to late? Will it reset the last 2 months? (It has gotten better). Should I just move to plan B? I've asked my wife several times for my requests. I know that means she probably isn't really ready for R.

And another question, about exposure. Some of her close friends are single and have slept with married men, maybe even still are. Should I expose my wife's affair to them??
Will not knowing the OM hurt the exposure?

The first thing you need to do is find out WHO the OM is. You should start by putting spyware on her phone. You can also retrieve her deleted texts. REad this thread for tips. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2859443#Post2859443

I wouldn't ask her, but just start doing as much sleuthing as possible. You can't do anything until you have done that. The fact that she won't tell you his name is an indicator the affair is still active.

Once you get the evidence, you need to expose the affair AND affair proof your marriage. Affair proofing your marriage means she gives up social media and perhaps moves to a flip phone. Having her passwords will not protect your marriage.

I would set up a camera and a voice recorder in your home.

This is an inappropriate reaction. You have every right to know what she is hiding from you.

Welcome to MB.

I am concerned that you have already placed both a voice recorder AND a video recorder in your home, and you have still managed to blow this.

What made you think it was a good idea to reveal that you know about her affair, without first having found out all the details? If you don't even know who this man is, how will you ever know if she sees him at work, or if he is a neighbour, or a high-school boyfriend that she connect to on social media? You need to know who he is, and how the affair is being conducted, if there is to be any certainty that it can be stopped for good.

What is the material you have been reading that tells you that you "have made several mistakes. I started out as the wimpy husband. Waited on her, fixed meals, bought things and left them as presents. Wrote letters."? Have you already been posting to one of the sites that says to kick a cheating spouse to the curb, pronto? It's fine to follow the advice of those sites, but I wonder why you are here. What do you want to do that is different?

If and when you discover that this affair is continuing, what do you intend to do? You have every right to end the marriage immediately, but if you want to try and fight the affair, Dr Harley has a plan (Plan A) for how husbands can do that. It would mean trying to fight the affair while it is continuing, which takes a toll on a husband's spirits. Do you want the marriage hard enough to be prepared to do that? I know you've been married for a long time, but you are still young and have no kids. You would have plenty of time to start again.

I'm not encouraging you to divorce; this forum exists to provide support for people who want to give their marriage the best chance of surviving after an affair. However, you need to make plan, and not react angrily to circumstances as you find them. Do you want to fight the affair, even if this takes months, or do you want to divorce if you find more evidence? Either is fine, but each needs a specific set of actions.

I have had a voice recorder in the house going since the affair, I added a video camera a few weeks later. That is how I caught her sexting. She is suspicious of that now. I have been trying to change things up and put one in her car. That is a little harder to do. I need one that can record longer than a day really.
I have done phone checks... but that is useless because she can just delete them.
I might try the message retrieval. I don't know how well it will work with iMessages. I'll look into it.

my first mistake. I think I was in shock the first few days. I thought she would confess everything..

I read the love dare and have been reading several different sites. Love dare is garbage for affairs. Most sites had mixed opinions on exposure, I think that is another one of my mistakes. This is my first post on any site.

if I wanted to take this route, should I take Plan A? Even if the affair is ongoing? For the most part I have been going this way since the affair.

I guess that is the question...tbh I'm not sure. There is part of me that says I'm done. That was my initial thought if I found evidence of cheating the first time. Somehow I ended up wanting to save it. I would like to attemp to save it if that is possible.

Like others have said you need to get spyware on her phone so you can find out who the OM is. When can you do this? She is obviously trying to hide his identity from you. Maybe it is someone you know?

When she talks to him how is she talking with him? Is it always from her phone? Can you check phone records for phone numbers?

Have you checked the phone logs to get his #?

I looked at the text recovering device and I see two problems. I don't know her PIN. Second is her phone is constantly out of memory. She deletes stuff daily just to receive texts sometimes. The hidden recycle bin requires memory to store the info. Now if it was my phone you could go back years probably. What spyware do you recommend? That might work better than a retrieval device.

I have had a dozen different suspects. Even strangers on the street who look at me smiling, I sometimes wonder...

she confirmed it was through FB, but I am pretty sure text and possibly snap chat.
I went back a year on the phone records with no luck. The texting is with iMessages, and they won't show up on the phone record since it goes through apple.

I usually ask to see her phone and she unlocks it for me. I still have one plan to get the OM name. If it fails I don't think I'm going to be able to get it. She usually looks over my shoulder when I'm on her phone too. I ask questions as I go through it and she answers them. I might have to just run into another room and lock the door.

Webwatcher is a good one. Have you looked into that?