He is not currently brainstorming ideas with me. When I told him that Dr. H recommends four 4-hr dates per week for 12 weeks, he had the same thoughts I did...impossible. He is very interested in improving our marriage, it's just that neither of us can figure this out. We had to borrow money from his mom last week just to pay our electric bill. Unless the option is free, it's not going to work right now.

His business is gaining momentum so we won't be in the same financial situation forever. But right now, there is just no extra money to pay a babysitter or join a gym or pay for anything on dates. Even the Y is $52/month if you make less than $55k/year and they only give you 2 hours of childcare per day so that doesn't help with the 4 hour requirement.

Our church does not have any activities for kids outside of children's church while we attend the adult service. The kids go to Awana once a week at another church and that gives us about 1.5 hours of time for UA.

My sister-in-law has always been willing to take our kids overnight or for a date but she just had another baby and can't help us right now.

I feel stuck.

Yes, our main concern is money right now. When you have to borrow money to keep your electricity on, this is a real concern. We have to find a way to work on both. The lack of money is as stressful as the lack of love and contributes to our marital problems. My husband's business is gaining momentum so this won't be our state forever.

Will we be gaining anything by dedicating ourselves to some UA time at home while the kids are sleeping or otherwise occupied and getting out of the house on dates that don't quite meet the minimum suggested? Is it worth all the effort it's going to take to do this or should we just wait until we are able to afford what Dr. H suggests?

Again, this is what we can come up with right now. This is with somehow finding enough money to pay a babysitter one night/week and then doing free activities that meet our needs (ideas, please).

Weeks 1 & 3
Two 4-hr dates
One 1.5 hr date
Total date time: 9.5 hrs

Weeks 2 & 4
Three 4-hr dates
One 1.5 hr date
Total date time: 13.5 hrs

I'm also a little scared of jumping into the babysitter world as my kids have never had a babysitter other than family. I know they'll adjust, and having a mom and dad who are in love with each other will be better. My daughter doesn't like anyone putting her to bed besides my husband and me. I just don't feel like I can thrust them into being babysat multiple times per week by people they are just meeting. And given our budget (or lack thereof), it seems to make sense to ease them into having a babysitter.

What about doing some after school babysitting? You could have an extra child or two and then use that money for date nights.

Are you in any homeschooling group? My sister speaks spanish, so she arranged to have a once a week spanish class for homeschooled kids. With the extra money you can pay for a babysitter.

Can you think of swapping other services? I really have no idea of your life, so I'm just throwing ideas for you. Maybe that can be your first task with your husband, start brainstorming. Be creative.

You should definitely try to get closer to 15hrs UA. You might think that 9 hrs is better than nothing. But would you take just half a course of antibiotics?
There are many reasons why you need to make at least 15 hrs. One is that when you make less than 15, you find no difference on your lovebank, so you get discouraged and stop making efforts.

It is a shock for everyone that 15hrs is the bare minimum for the MB program, and at the begining we all hit a wall. Don't be discouraged, instead think of the great marriage you will have once you start spending UA time together, be inspired!

This is your main problem, and this is what I was worried was going on.

When a wife comes here to the board feeling hopeless about UA, and wanting the board to tell her how to make the time, it is very often the sign that the husband is not participating.

When a husband and wife come together and brainstorm, it's a beautiful thing. They come up with options and ideas that nobody else would have ever considered and the idea probably would not work for anybody else. But they're happy.

A big reason why you are anxious and feel trapped and hopeless is because he's not participating. He is not helping you solve the problem.

The board cannot solve this problem for you. We cannot take his place and come up with the solution with you. It simply just doesn't work that way. As long as he's not brainstorming with you, you will continue to feel hopeless and trapped.

You can't do this alone. He's got to brainstorm with you.

Not really.
UA at home will not get you to your goal: Romantic love. Sure, you could do it, and check it off the list. But it isn't going to work. You will be spinning your wheels, and you will continue to feel hopeless and trapped.

What you need to be doing at this point is brainstorming with your husband to come up with ideas together on how to make UA work. That is the step that needs your focus.

My wife is right - you've got to get your husband to get involved with this. He can't just stop with his initial impression that it's impossible.

Tell him you need him to spend this time with you and ask him to help you find a way to make it possible together.

How do you feel about all this? I would suspect you would feel a lot better if he had more stable, profitable employment.

Dr. Harley often points out that four out of every five new businesses fail.

I just discovered marriagebuilders on Sunday so he hasn't had much of a chance to work with me on this yet. We're both reading through the Love Busters and will be doing the LB questionnaire asap. I also just got His Needs, Her Needs and we'll be working through that along with the other questionnaires on the site. He absolutely will brainstorm with me. We just haven't had time to talk much since I discovered all of this. Of course, we were going to have some time to ourselves tonight while the kids are at Awana but now the youngest has an ear infection so she'll be home with us. Ugh. No wonder couples grow apart after they have kids. It's really hard to balance everything.

We've been on a financial and job rollercoaster for the last 5+ years. His business has really taken off and we both feel like this is the right thing for us. December was a slower month naturally and we got a little behind. He's making it up now and we both feel confident in his ability to provide for us in 2017. We just can't throw a few hundred dollars a month into our budget right now for dates and babysitting without knowing for sure what our income will look like next month.

He nearly landed several great jobs after he was laid off but they never worked out. He had though of having his own business previously and it seemed clear that that was the direction we should go. As nice as it would be for him to have steady income, we've learned that in big companies nothing is forever. And the stress of having an awful boss can be just as bad or worse than the stress of starting a new business. I appreciate your concern.

I'm here because there is a lack of romantic love in our marriage and I'm tired of living like this. Divorce isn't an option and I was beginning to feel trapped in a loveless, boring marriage. I knew there had to be an answer, and not just going to a counselor and being told that I just need to love my husband like Christ loves us. Been there, done that. I need to be in love, not just love someone because I'm supposed to. My husband is tired of our lack of sex and my negativity so here we are.

Yikes.

Figuring out UA time is stressing you out? I could not live with financial instability like this. I would be a basket case.

Ran across this in my reading on the site. I have to assume he is not talking about getting out of the house for UA every day. With kids at home, I'd have to hire a nanny. So, at what point can you have some UA time at home?

"When I apply the fifteen-hour principle to marriages, I usually recommend that the time be evenly distributed throughout the week, two to three hours each day."

That must be an old article because he has recommended 4 dates a week for years. I understand he is in the process of updating his older articles.

It's here, in The Policy of Undivided Attention, under Corollary 3: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html

Then you are in the right place so long as you are both willing to follow the plan Dr Harley recommends. No short cuts, cutting corners, or doing this piecemeal. It takes time to learn how to do things differently so be patient when things aren't quite working. Just keep moving towards those positive new habits and it'll all come together.

You and him will need to get creative in figuring out how you're going to spend enough UA time together.

Really look at that after school baby siting idea. Many parents need 1-2 hours of child care until they get home from work. In many states, if you only take 1-2 unrelated children, it doesn't count as a daycare- just babysitting. You might be able to earn a little money for dates without sacrificing your homeschool schedule.

I just found the site and books a week ago. I've read a ton on this site and I started listening to Love Busters but he hasn't started yet and we have yet to do the questionnaire. Just ordered a hard copy of the book at his request today. Should we jump into spending more UA time together now or wait until we can knock out some of the Love Busters and use the Joint Agreement principles? We are in conflict almost every day.

What kinds of 'recreational activities' are acceptable for UA? When we were dating we spent a lot of time shopping together. We enjoy hiking and being outdoors but the weather isn't appropriate for that right now. We both love to watch football. Is going to a sports bar/restaurant and watching a game together considered UA? We don't have a gym membership and can't afford one right now. Would love to know what you all do. Thanks!