I am in separation mode with a divorce that is heading for trial instead of settlement. I showed the attorneys the exposure letters and draft of the affair story and she advises me not to expose the affair because it will get me in trouble in court and court will interpret me as a scumbag and I will lose my case. It means losing kids, custody and probably unfavorable split on our 4 story multi-family house.

It will be taken on court as 3rd Party Contact leading to a restraining order against me and therefore affecting my child custody rights and will lose kids.

The senior lawyer informed the junior lawyer that I should not do it.

I tried to explain to the junior lawyer why I needed to expose - all reasons why exposure should be done. She also said why would you want to be with someone who has done all these very bad things. She suggested that I could write to the senior lawyer who will not be happy but may rewrite the letters and story for me.

Things just entered the ugly phase in divorce proceedings and we will all appear in court on Tuesday. My WS/STBX has lawyers who get money through trials and not settlements. They do not care about the well being of my WS and our family or any clients. They will milk every drop of wealth. My WS/STBX is in another world and pushing for this too. She does not see what they are doing and does not see that this will leave us poor. I think she wants to control and she is in spite mode. Kids and future grandchildren will be poor. Kids are about 10 and below.

What I know for sure is that I want to expose the affair that led to the demise of our marriage before the divorce is finalized.

WS/STBX and I are not allowed to talk as per the court order. Only text and emails concerning kids.

I am torn between what my lawyer told me and exposing to try to save the marriage. Any advice?

Many lawyers advise against exposure, but that doesn't make it the correct advice. You need the support of your family and friends.

Who have you already exposed to? Does her family know? Do her friends know? Have you told your friends and children about your wife's affair? Children often blame themselves for the divorce.

Have you followed the template in the Notable Posts section? Exposure isn't meant to be vindictive or to punish; exposure is to gain much-needed support in a time of crisis and to shine the light of day on the wayward.

Sorry for the reason you are here.

I have told my sister, and 3 friends. Her friends and family do not know. I have not told my children.

Here is what I have done to the template. Below is my draft exposure letter. 2 issues - should I make it not look like 3rd party contact and if yes how can I do so? I added more than what MB�s letter says in an effort to try to educate recipients that I am not being vindictive.

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of Xxxx and I. As some of you know, Xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation/divorce, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she had an affair with a coworker named xxxx xxxx who now resides in xxxx, foreign country 1 and also still lives in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 near 1 in the pacific region. He is also married and has a young child. His wife was living in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 while he was lIving in city2X, foreign country 2.The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair and other relationships without interference. She betrayed me with him in 2012/2013 when I reluctantly agreed that she goes to city2X to work with him for 7 months at xxxxx and this heavily affected our marriage for 3 years because she was lying and denying everything. 3.5 years on she finally admitted to it. She was in city2X, from xxx 2012 till xxx 2013 nearly 7 months while I was alone with very young kids aged 2 and 5, and at the same time I had a full time job in countryX in Europe

While she was living cityX, foreign country 2 OM also had picked her up by car early on a Saturday morning from her apartment in xxx to his place in xxx which is an hour away. He dropped her back at her apartment the following morning (Sunday) around 7am. She refuses to end the affair with him. I want our marriage to recover from this affair and what it has caused. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end. I do love my wife.

For more about the story go to this link xxxxxxxxxxxx(still to come).

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage. I love her.

I am working to make the marriage better than what it was before and put in practice things she has found objectionable in our marriage, all what she says I have done wrong. I am correcting that. I am doing my part to make that happen. I want more than a romantic relationship. A stronger marriage. I want us to be committed to each other and want us to be in love.

I do care about her in the most profound way and my motive for telling you is healing the marriage, not vengeance, not to hurt and or disrespect her. It is a terribly painful thing for me to do in my life. The focus is to support the kids and us.

While this may lead to unintended consequences of some people thinking I am humiliating myself, losing respect, or I am hurting her it is important to realize that these are not my goals. These kind of consequences are not long lasting. What is long lasting is our marriage, our kids and all our families and extended families. The bigger things and values. The actions are from values and not anger. Make no mistake on how much I love her.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards, I love her so much.

xxxx xxxxx

I would add the OM's name and contact information. Of course you should tell them about 3rd party contact, that is the whole point of exposure. I would DELETE the last few paragraphs because it is too long. People are not going to read a novel.

You need to stop being obsessed with "looking vindictive." You will be accused of being vindictive by some people no matter what. You can't avoid that.

Did you expose to the OM's wife and family? What about her employer? What about your children?

How long has the affair gone on? When did you find out? When did you separate?



Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of Xxxx and I. As some of you know, Xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation/divorce, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she had an affair with a coworker named xxxx xxxx who now resides in xxxx, foreign country 1 and also still lives in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 near 1 in the pacific region. He is also married and has a young child. His wife was living in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 while he was lIving in city2X, foreign country 2.The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair and other relationships without interference. She betrayed me with him in 2012/2013 when I reluctantly agreed that she goes to city2X to work with him for 7 months at xxxxx and this heavily affected our marriage for 3 years because she was lying and denying everything. 3.5 years on she finally admitted to it. She was in city2X, from xxx 2012 till xxx 2013 nearly 7 months while I was alone with very young kids aged 2 and 5, and at the same time I had a full time job in countryX in Europe

While she was living cityX, foreign country 2 OM also had picked her up by car early on a Saturday morning from her apartment in xxx to his place in xxx which is an hour away. He dropped her back at her apartment the following morning (Sunday) around 7am. She refuses to end the affair with him. I want our marriage to recover from this affair and what it has caused. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end. I do love my wife.

For more about the story go to this link xxxxxxxxxxxx(still to come).

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage. I love her.

I am working to make the marriage better than what it was before and put in practice things she has found objectionable in our marriage, all what she says I have done wrong. I am correcting that. I am doing my part to make that happen. I want more than a romantic relationship. A stronger marriage. I want us to be committed to each other and want us to be in love.

I do care about her in the most profound way and my motive for telling you is healing the marriage, not vengeance, not to hurt and or disrespect her. It is a terribly painful thing for me to do in my life. The focus is to support the kids and us.

While this may lead to unintended consequences of some people thinking I am humiliating myself, losing respect, or I am hurting her it is important to realize that these are not my goals. These kind of consequences are not long lasting. What is long lasting is our marriage, our kids and all our families and extended families. The bigger things and values. The actions are from values and not anger. Make no mistake on how much I love her.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards, I love her so much.

xxxx xxxxx
[/quote]

Thank you so much. I added in Italics the sentence for OM� name and contact information and one sentence that says �A few days before I was served the papers she told me out of the blue that she wanted to find an Italian boyfriend.� Is this sentence needed? Does the letter look OK now?

OM�s wife and family do not know. My children do not know. The affair started when she left us and went to work Australia in November 2012 - to April 2013. They are still in touch. We are in NY now and she works at a different company. He is in New Zealand. The old employer in Australia does not know. None of her employers know.

I kind of suspected since she was always denying, lying and making up stories for the since she was there. I found out in around early April.

Currently I have TOR on me that says no harassment, menacing, disorderly conduct intimidation, coercion and physical stuff. It expires in mid March after 6 months. The TOR scares me because it is said to be the final. If I violate it I will get a restraining order. 3rd party contact maybe a violation. I am just wondering if I should wait to expose till mid March. On Tuesday the court may remove the TOR.

She did get this TOR this because she did not want me to see her mother who was visiting from a foreign country because I would talk to her and also wanted the mother to have more time with the kids since her parenting time is not much. My lawyer suggested that I pick the kids from school then. She refused because her mother would see the kids on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday only. The judge then said we have to exchange kids at the police precinct. We are both not happy about this. It was done to punish her.

On first court date in February she demanded to my lawyer that I should not talk to anyone except a lawyer and a therapist though it was not written on court papers. The reason being for her own PR. I did as instructed. After one week she moved kids and me into a tiny room with a tiny room(worse than a slum)in a 3 Bedroom ground floor apartment where the 2 bedrooms were occupied by 2 couples who rented month by month. Kids were on weekend visitation. The apartment had one electric stove plate.

I moved back into the neighborhood to be near the kids� school and it had been agreed in court that we will share kids into equal parenting time. Instead she proposed that I have the kids for three weekends(Friday evening to Monday morning when they return to school and every Wednesday evening till Thursday morning when they go to school, and that she has the kids one weekend in every four and Monday, Tuesday and Thursday nights. I accepted but wondered why she would not want to spend time with kids on weekends on a lovely summer.

She hardly sees the kids because of work. She comes home late and they are already sleeping or about to sleep.

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of Xxxx and I. As some of you know, Xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation/divorce, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she had an affair with a coworker named xxxx xxxx who now resides in xxxx, foreign country 1 and also still lives in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 near 1 in the pacific region. He is also married and has a young child. His wife was living in City1X(near xxxxx and xxxx), foreign country 2 while he was lIving in city2X, foreign country 2.The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair and other relationships without interference. A few days before I was served the papers she told me out of the blue that she wanted to find an Italian boyfriend. She betrayed me with him in 2012/2013 when I reluctantly agreed that she goes to city2X to work with him for 7 months at xxxxx and this heavily affected our marriage for 3 years because she was lying and denying everything. 3.5 years on she finally admitted to it. She was in city2X, from xxx 2012 till xxx 2013 nearly 7 months while I was alone with very young kids aged 2 and 5, and at the same time I had a full time job in countryX in Europe

While she was living cityX, foreign country 2 OM also had picked her up by car early on a Saturday morning from her apartment in xxx to his place in xxx which is an hour away. He dropped her back at her apartment the following morning (Sunday) around 7am. She refuses to end the affair with him. I want our marriage to recover from this affair and what it has caused. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end. I do love my wife.

For more about the story go to this link xxxxxxxxxxxx(still to come).

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage. I love her.

The man is xxxx and his contact info is +x xxxx xxxxx xx(country here).

Since you have a court order against you, it might be better that you wait. This seems way too far advanced to effectively break up the affair. When did you separate? When did she file for divorce?

Does she support you?

No. She is not supporting me. She does not support me at the moment. She will likely have to do that after Tuesday(court)because my contract ended. We get rental income from the house and she has kept it away from me. She will have to support me with that and a little of her income.

Yes. Good idea to wait. Thank you. We separated in February. She filed for divorce in February. The affair/denying/lying about her relationship and what she had with him led to the demise of the marriage. They are in touch though they are far away from each other and are keeping it simmering.

But as soon as you are done with the court issues you must expose to the OM's BW.

Thank you BrainHurts.

For OM (and WS/WW) I think it will be good if I post to all their Linkedin contacts since this was work related affair and all the coworkers they had in Europe and Foreign country 2 will know. He only had 194 friends on Facebook(FB). They both do not use FB much.

Last time he was on FB was in 2014. I think these friends especially his are outdated. They are both very active on Linkedin. Maybe I could take their contacts� names and look for them in FB and send the letters or should I just send on Linkedin? Or should I post to Linkedin contacts?

Some background. My wife kicked me out last February. She did it through court order. It was a shock divorce. She took all the money. Left me with nothing. Took my personal and bank cards. She left me with a personal credit card only. The brother came to take the kids while the court people took me out. It was a shock. I lots weight. I could not eat. She is telling all her friends and relatives lies. I want to reveal all that has happened till now so they know the truth. Any advice? Has anyone done this? I have an appointment with with a psychiatrist for children's forensics on Wednesday. He has to decided who gets child custody. Any experience, ideas or advice on this?

What does this mean?

The judge appointed a psychiatrist to have separate sessions with her, kids, and me. He will hand over his evaluation to the judge after having looked at our parenting times, domestic violence, etc. He has to tell the judge who should get custody of kids. An attorney has been appointed for the kids.

The mental health professional will interview us, any extended family members or persons affiliated with either party�s household addressing the following issues:

physical custody/parenting time
decision making
domestic violence
substance abuse
mental illness

He shall recommend which parent should ultimately have custody of the children and further make a recommendations as to the other specific issues to be addressed in the evaluation.

Was there domestic violence? Mental health? Substance abuse? In the marriage?

No. I suspect she has mental health issues but I am no way qualified to say she has.

People, I really want to expose the affair. Ha, the courts. I want to do it so badly.

I am wondering if you could share the aftermath after you exposed the affair.
...the soon after aftermath and the longterm aftermath.
What were the replies from people?
What did you say in response?
What did the OM or OW do? Any relationship?
What did your WW or WM do? What is your relationship now?
Your in-laws?
Threats?
Where are you now with relationships with all people you exposed to?
And anything please.

It would be good to hear your story. I am planning to exposing soon.
I do not know what to expect and I want to prepare for it.
Your sharing will help other people on the forum too.
Thank you.