Maybe this is covered somewhere, but I haven't run across it, or don't remember it. How do you distinguish between selfish demands and asking your spouse to stop annoying habits? Example, It's annoying that my husband leaves things lying around the house but if I tell him it's annoying, that can come across as a selfish demand on my part. He thinks it's fine to have a cluttered house but it's incredibly annoying to me. Is this a POJA thing? If so, I thought that annoying habits were to be stopped immediately, so then it wouldn't fall under the POJA... Just thinking "out loud". What's your experience with this?

Selfish Demands

One of the reasons Dr. Harley makes time for undivided attention a priority (together with love busters of course) is that it is much much simpler to negotiate if you are in love. You will automatically have more good will towards each other if you have these nice experiences together.

"Annoying habits will nickel and dime your Love Bank into bankruptcy."

"But how should you go about changing your habits so that they are no longer annoying? It begins with the realization that whenever you do something that bothers your spouse, you are withdrawing love units. Tell each other that eliminating annoying habits is a high priority for both of you. And then ask each other what it is that annoys you the most, write it down, and go to work with a plan to eliminate whatever you find."

As with everything you've written to us about so far, resolving this conflict requires that your husband take your complaint seriously, and that he "goes to work with a plan to eliminate" the behaviour that you find annoying.

Will he do that?

As I've been saying, you are going about things in the wrong way, by coming here for solutions that have worked for other people, in the hope that one will be so perfect that when you present it to your husband, he accepts it without question - or, perhaps, that you'll be able to do whatever trick is suggested, and it will be so pleasant and effortless for him that he won't even notice that a trick has been played.

Have you been able to motivate your husband to work the program?

Christy, I asked you this yesterday, but I didn't see a reply. it is an important question, and I'd appreciate an answer. Thanks.

The quick answer to your question about selfish demands is that a perfectly legitimate request becomes a selfish demand when you try to force your spouse to do what you want:

"Demands carry a threat of punishment -- an if-you-refuse-me-you'll- regret-it kind of thing. In other words, you may dislike what I want, but if you don't do it, I'll see it it that you suffer even greater pain."

"When I ask my wife, Joyce, to do something for me, she may cheerfully agree to it-or she may express her reluctance. This reluctance may be due to any number of things-her needs, her comfort level, or her sense of what's wise or fair.

If I push my request, making it a demand, what am I doing? I am trying to override her reluctance. I am declaring that my wishes are more important than her feelings. And I'm threatening to cause her some distress if she doesn't do what I want.

She now must choose one of two evils-my "punishment" on the one hand or whatever made her reluctant on the other. She may ultimately agree to my demand, but she won't be happy about it. I may get my way, but I'm gaining at her expense. My gain is her loss. And she will most certainly feel used."

So, there must be no attempt to force your husband to do what you want. There must be no threat of punishment - anger from you, or the silent treatment, or tears, or retaliatory stubbornness.

That does not mean that you must ask only once, and accept the annoying habit if he won't stop. Annoying habits make withdrawals from the Love Bank. "When compared with the other Love Busters, it hardly seems worth mentioning. But because it occurs so often, it can often be the most destructive Love Buster of all."

You need to continue to raise the issue respectfully, following the four guidelines for successful negotiation. You must not, however, make your thoughtful request into a demand.

How nice for him that his concept of marriage allows you to sacrifice for him and allows him to prioritize an old car over you.

(see why Dr. Harley doesn't like unconditional love.)

We're not there yet. He is open to reading the books with me. I ordered Love Busters over a week ago but it hasn't come yet and there is nowhere near us that has it available (including the library). He's read some from the site but he doesn't have as much free time as I do so I've read more. Plus, I'm a researcher by nature, and he doesn't like to read. I know without a doubt he doesn't want our marriage to continue the way it is (lots of anger and very little love). He just needs time to see that this could be the best option for us.

We're waiting for the book to show up. I ordered it 8 days ago! Ugh.

I'm looking for ideas. This is all new to me. We haven't fully started the program yet. I have lots of questions. I feel like your comments are really disrespectful. I can't see how learning from others is the "wrong way."

Thank you for explaining the difference between selfish demands and requests for annoying habits to be stopped.

Do you mean that he is not willing to contact Dr Harley? How do you know that? Have you asked him?

If not, could you please ask him?

I'm not sure what you think we should contact him about? The car? I haven't talked about the car with him for a long time. When the time is right for us to discuss it, he would likely be willing to talk to Dr. Harley. I'll ask him if we can't come to an enthusiastic agreement.

About what you need to do as a couple to fall in love. About how romantic love is built, and why sacrificial love is destructive and not sustainable. About why your husband needs to listen to your complaints and negotiate solutions with you. About how to do that negotiation safely and respectfully.

Love Busters is available instantly as an audio download from Amazon. It is narrated by Dr Harley. It is perfect for the person that does not like to read.

You could download it right now, and send back the print edition when it arrives, if you do not have the money to pay for both.

I've been listening to it via our library but he doesn't do well listening to books either so he told me he'll wait for the hard copy.

He'd really prefer a video.

I think it would be a good idea for us to work on this a bit together first. He's given me his word that he will read the books.

Yes, I know there is an online course. We don't have $397 available for the program right now. It was a stretch to buy the books and we're still trying to figure out how to get away from the house 16+ hours per week.