Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
hi,my name is rob.i would appreciate any advice please.the story is my wife and i have been together for 21 years.she has 3 grown up kids of her own and a 13 year old daughter with me.she was a carer and loved her job.she has only been doing it 2 years.she also had a few people she would clean for.she was such a genuine lovely person and everyone liked her.any way a 53 year old man came to the care home where she worked.he has ms and is paralised from the neck down.he cant feel his body and his speach is slurred.any way my wife got friendly with him but they didnt like him at the care home so he was moved to another care home 30 miles away and she started catching the train up to visit him once a month.it got more and more regular and she was constantly texting him and talking on the phone to him.i started to get suspicious as my wife had told me a while back that he had an affair with a previous carer.in the end she was going up every few days.neglecting her family and work.i got hold of her phone and read that she was in love with him and couldnt help how she felt.i confronted her.that evening 2 days before christmas and all she said was that she loved him and had a connection with him that she never had with me.she was so cold and hurtfull and saying bizare things to my daughter and i like he would love to meet us and she was telling us how they are in a relationship now and how they kissed and held hands.and how he wanted to pay someone to open a shop up with his kids and my daughters name above it.she even went up to visit him boxing day even though my daughter pleaded with her not to go.i told her that i loved her and was heart broken and devistated.but she still went up to be with him.i wrote her a long letter telling her what a kind lovely person she was and we didnt understand all the bizare things she had told my daughter and i.and how she would only ever have a hospital relationship with her new boyfriend.i said that this is doing my head in and if she carries on her relationship either she needs to leave the house or i will.she said she would leave and went to stay on her friends sofa.since then she has quite all her jobs without even letting them know.she constantly promises to see our daughter but half the time lets her down and allways comes up with some excuse.the truth is she is nearly always up with him.she is now totally reliant on him for money but never gives her enough to do anything with our daughter when she does see her.in the eight months since she first met this man she has left her husband and daughter.lost all her jobs,has no home.and never rings our daughter or anything unless our daughter instigates it.she was always a good wife and mum but all she seems to have is him.even her grown up kids cant work it out.no one can.the strange thing is that her new bloke has written a book on how to influence people and get them to do what you want including chapters on hypnosis and how to get someone to fall in love with you and how to be a good salesman.i have been reading some of it.i dont know if this has anything to do with it or the menopause or stopping being on antidepressants or if she just truly loves him.she sent me a text saying she loves me as a person but she is in love with him.i text her the other day to say our daughter hadnt been going into dinners at school and seemed depressed and said that our daughter was upset that she never rings and that she had always been a good mum and dont stop now.but to my horror her boyfriend sent my daughter a text which he obviously cant type himself as he cant move.the text said dont worry we all have bad days and your mum loves you loads and i would love to meet you.i was really cross.our marriage has had its ups and downs but we always got on well really,my wife often didnt want sex often and sometimes we only had it once in a year as she said she didnt feel like it because she was antideppresants.i always had to instigate it.i must admit i didnt do much house work and she paid quite a bit more rent than me as she had more money.i appologised in the letter saying i should have done more around the house and paid more rent and i understand how that made you feel.i also moaned at her quite alot and regret not giving her more attention.we only broke up a month ago and have tried to be nice but nothing seems to work.the house and life feels empty without her as she was our rock.i would welcome any advice and questions.thanks for reading this .rob

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: rob68
hi,my name is rob.i would appreciate any advice please.the story is my wife and i have been together for 21 years.she has 3 grown up kids of her own and a 13 year old daughter with me.she was a carer and loved her job.she has only been doing it 2 years.she also had a few people she would clean for.she was such a genuine lovely person and everyone liked her.any way a 53 year old man came to the care home where she worked.he has ms and is paralised from the neck down.he cant feel his body and his speach is slurred.any way my wife got friendly with him but they didnt like him at the care home so he was moved to another care home 30 miles away and she started catching the train up to visit him once a month.it got more and more regular and she was constantly texting him and talking on the phone to him.i started to get suspicious as my wife had told me a while back that he had an affair with a previous carer.in the end she was going up every few days.neglecting her family and work.i got hold of her phone and read that she was in love with him and couldnt help how she felt.i confronted her.that evening 2 days before christmas and all she said was that she loved him and had a connection with him that she never had with me.she was so cold and hurtfull and saying bizare things to my daughter and i like he would love to meet us and she was telling us how they are in a relationship now and how they kissed and held hands.and how he wanted to pay someone to open a shop up with his kids and my daughters name above it.she even went up to visit him boxing day even though my daughter pleaded with her not to go.i told her that i loved her and was heart broken and devistated.but she still went up to be with him.i wrote her a long letter telling her what a kind lovely person she was and we didnt understand all the bizare things she had told my daughter and i.and how she would only ever have a hospital relationship with her new boyfriend.i said that this is doing my head in and if she carries on her relationship either she needs to leave the house or i will.she said she would leave and went to stay on her friends sofa.since then she has quite all her jobs without even letting them know.she constantly promises to see our daughter but half the time lets her down and allways comes up with some excuse.the truth is she is nearly always up with him.she is now totally reliant on him for money but never gives her enough to do anything with our daughter when she does see her.in the eight months since she first met this man she has left her husband and daughter.lost all her jobs,has no home.and never rings our daughter or anything unless our daughter instigates it.she was always a good wife and mum but all she seems to have is him.even her grown up kids cant work it out.no one can.the strange thing is that her new bloke has written a book on how to influence people and get them to do what you want including chapters on hypnosis and how to get someone to fall in love with you and how to be a good salesman.i have been reading some of it.i dont know if this has anything to do with it or the menopause or stopping being on antidepressants or if she just truly loves him.she sent me a text saying she loves me as a person but she is in love with him.i text her the other day to say our daughter hadnt been going into dinners at school and seemed depressed and said that our daughter was upset that she never rings and that she had always been a good mum and dont stop now.but to my horror her boyfriend sent my daughter a text which he obviously cant type himself as he cant move.the text said dont worry we all have bad days and your mum loves you loads and i would love to meet you.i was really cross.our marriage has had its ups and downs but we always got on well really,my wife often didnt want sex often and sometimes we only had it once in a year as she said she didnt feel like it because she was antideppresants.i always had to instigate it.i must admit i didnt do much house work and she paid quite a bit more rent than me as she had more money.i appologised in the letter saying i should have done more around the house and paid more rent and i understand how that made you feel.i also moaned at her quite alot and regret not giving her more attention.we only broke up a month ago and have tried to be nice but nothing seems to work.the house and life feels empty without her as she was our rock.i would welcome any advice and questions.thanks for reading this .rob

Welcome to MB.

I'll give you tip, Rob, and that is that you should not submit a post that looks like this. This is a wall of text without capital letters and without paragraphs. It is off-putting to look at, and I suspect that people will have trouble reading it, and will not respond.

Break up your posts into paragraphs of 3-4 lines, and use punctuation.

Are you legally married to her? For how long? How and why did her previous marriage end?

Do the people at the new care home know about the affair?

Has this man ever been married? Does he have any family?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Reputable hypnotherapists have a code of conduct that forbids them using their influence for personal gain. If this man has written a book, you can find out what professional body he belongs to, and expose the affair to them.

If you can't find out the details of such a body, expose the affair to the media, and on the site Cheaterville.

The fact that he is published can work to his disadvantage.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Hi,yes I have been legally married since 2001.My wife hasn't been married to anyone else before.He was married once and has 3 children.The affair didn't start in the care home where my wife worked and I don't think she is his carer now.thanks rob

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
In reply to sugarcane.The problem is I don't know if she has been hypnotised and I could never prove it.cheers rob

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: rob68
The problem is I don't know if she has been hypnotised and I could never prove it.

That's true.

So, putting gate hypnotherapy aside, this is a standard affair. You need to expose it, yourself (don't rely on the belief that other people already know about it) to family and close friends of yours, hers, and his. That includes his 3 children.

After that, given that she has already left, your only hope for reconciliation is to wait for the affair to die. If you decide to stay in contact with her in the hope of winning her away from that man, Plan A is recommended by Dr Harley for at least six months. During that time, you must not lecture her or write letters like the one you described above. You must only show that you still care for her, and you have her best interests at heart. When the affair collapses (as it very likely will), she will remember your kindness and think about reconciling with you. There will be certain steps for you both to the at that point. However, the affair could go on for many months yet.

If, as some point, you decide that contact with her is harming your love for her, you go to Plan B. This involves having no direct contact with her until the affair ends.

Of course, you can give up waiting and divorce at any time - right now, if you want.

It sounds as if you do not want to divorce right now. Is that correct?

Are you in the UK?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
In reply to sugar cane.Yes I am in the UK.My step kids and family anf friends know about her affair.None of them understand it.We all really like her and it is so unlike her to behave this way.I am not going to write her anymore letters and feel i have done all I can to keep her.Sugar cane I don't really want a divorce yet as i know if she realises she feels the same way as me and with a lot of talking and effort I think the marriage could be better than ever.It had gone a bit boring and we both took each other for granted.But I must admit part of me feels like i have been used and manipulated and my trust has been betrayed and i don't know whether i could ever look at her in the same light again.So many emotions.Thanks for your suggestions sugarcane and I will take them on board

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Sugarcane I was interested to know how you new I was in the UK.And also how exposing the affair would help.Wouldn't it just turn her more against me?.On a different subject the one thing that really put me off her the most was when i sent her a text saying how our daughter had been depressed and not eating etc.and I put at the end of the text please keep this text to yourself as it was no one elses business but ours(basically I didn't want his influence on it)then he sent me a text to my daughter to my phone from my wifes phone.Saying we all have bad days etc.I think his plan was to drive a bigger divide between my wife and I by letting me know that she had shown him the text.Plus it is his fault she was suffering in the first place.If he was such a nice genuine man he would not have instigated the affair in the first place

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: rob68
Sugarcane I was interested to know how you new I was in the UK.

Because you said this:

Originally Posted By: rob68
she was always a good wife and mum

We Brits stick out like a sore thumb on this American site. I can sniff out a fellow Brit at 100 yards. I'm in London, but the way.

Originally Posted By: rob68
And also how exposing the affair would help.Wouldn't it just turn her more against me?

Unlike most other marriage forums, this isn't just a forum where anybody can give their opinion on what someone else should do. The advice we give on this forum only comes from the work of Dr Harley, the founder of the Marriage Builders programme, and owner of this site. He has written all the free articles you should read here, in order to understand what Marriage Builders is all about. The people that post advice here have all used his programme to resolve affairs or other issues, and we post here because we know that Dr Harley's advice is unique, and it works.

If you haven't already done so, you should read the article How to Survive an Affair, right now. It explains why an affair should be exposed:

"If your unfaithful spouse is unwilling to end an affair the right way, I know of a way to help speed up its demise: Expose it. Your own family should know: Your parents, your siblings, and even your children. The family of your spouses lover should also know, especially the lover's spouse. The pastor of your church should be informed as well. Exposure of an affair is like opening a moldy closet to the light of day. Affairs do well when they're conducted in secret, but when they're in full view for all to see, they appear as they are -- incredibly foolish and thoughtless.

Even if exposure were to be ineffective in ending an affair, I'd recommend it anyway. The betrayed spouse needs as much support as possible, and exposure helps friends and relatives understand what's going on. Keeping an affair secret is no real help to anyone. But I've been amazed at how well it dismantles the illusion that affairs rest upon. Instead of assuming that the relationship is made in heaven, an unfaithful spouse quickly senses that it's a one-way ticket to hell on earth.

The first reaction of an unfaithful spouse to exposure is to try to turn the tables on the betrayed spouse. "I will never be able to forgive you for hurting me this way. Don't you ever think about how I'd be affected by this?" Of course, it's really the affair that hurts. The exposure simply identifies the source of the pain. The unfaithful spouse should be the one begging for forgiveness.

In spite of the suffering that an affair inflicts on a betrayed spouse, during this period of exposure he or she should try to make as many Love Bank deposits and as few withdrawals as possible. If you argue about the affair, you'll damage recovery. Insist on the unfaithful spouses complete separation from the lover (no contact for life), but don't fight about it. I call this strategy to end the affair Plan A.

If exposure itself doesn't end the affair immediately, my advice regarding what to do next is usually different for husbands and wives. I encourage husbands to try to stick to avoiding arguments and meeting their unfaithful wives' basic needs (Plan A) as long as possible (six months to a year)."

The article also briefly explains Plan A, which I mentioned in my post. There is a separate article that explains What Are Plan A and Plan B?, and several Q&A columns that Dr Harley has written in response to readers' questions on Steps to recover from an affair. You should read all the articles about affairs first, but then read all the articles relating to Dr Harley's Basic Concepts. You mentioned knowing that you had a lot of work to do to make your marriage much better than it was before; the Basic Concepts will show you how to accomplish that goal.

Originally Posted By: rob68
On a different subject the one thing that really put me off her the most was when i sent her a text saying how our daughter had been depressed and not eating etc.and I put at the end of the text please keep this text to yourself as it was no one elses business but ours(basically I didn't want his influence on it)then he sent me a text to my daughter to my phone from my wifes phone.Saying we all have bad days etc.I think his plan was to drive a bigger divide between my wife and I by letting me know that she had shown him the text.Plus it is his fault she was suffering in the first place.If he was such a nice genuine man he would not have instigated the affair in the first place

Well, of course he's not a nice man. He's a scumbag. Don't wear yourself out thinking about how he could do the things he is doing. Concentrate on fighting the affair, and doing Plan A if you are still interested in recovering your marriage after the affair ends.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Thanks sugarcane I will do what you reccomend as it seems great advice.Thanks for all your effort in helping me,it is much appreciated.cheers rob

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,272
Likes: 2
Are you saying her parents and family are ok that she's having an affair? Have you read this?
Exposure 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Hi brain hurts,my wifes dad is dead and her mum left her when she was ten.Her kids do not want her to have an affair.They wan't us to get back together.No one agrees with her and no body understands what she sees in him.They all say she has changed since she met him,but not in a good way.thanks rob

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Several articles have been linked in this thread, for you to read. How are you getting on with reading them?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Hi sugarcane.yes I have read them all thanks.They were all very helpful.I am not really sure what to do next.I don't think she will come back.It is really getting our daughter down.She rang her mum today and her mum said she would ring later but did not.I don't think she would ring at all if our daughter didn't ring first.I looked on my wifes email account today and there was a email about a flat she had been looking at which is 30 miles away from us and it is where her boyfriends care home is.What would you recommened I do.Probably no contact I guess.I feel anxious,confused and heart broken.cheers rob

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,434
Likes: 7
Once you go no contact (Plan B), you won't be doing anything to attract her back once the affair ends.

Dr Harley recommends that men go to Plan B when they cannot cope with Plan A any more; when they are beginning to lose their love for their wives. However, if you want a chance at restoring the marriage, he recommends that men make a good go of Plan A. He feels that they are more more resilient, and able to cope with the heartbreak of watching an affair happen, than women in the same situation.

What has your wife said about leaving you? Has she said she has left you for this man? Has she said the marriage is over and she is making a new life with him, or was it more "I need to do this right now", without much explanation of how she sees the future?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Well I have hardly seen her in the last month.Only when she stopped by twice to pick up some clothes.And a couple of times when I have dropped our daughter off to see her at her friends house.I would feel awkward to say to her that I want her to end her relationship with him.My wife left a month ago today.I said in a letter i wrote to her a week after I discovered she was in love with him that it was doing my daughters and my head in and that it was cruel and that i loved her very much but if her affair carried on then either she should leave the house or i will go.She then rang me when I was walking the dog and said I think it is best if she goes to stay at her friends house.Since then she quite all her jobs and is constantly at this care home visiting him and staying up there.She hasn't said the marriage is over but she texted me a couple of weeks ago and said she loves me as a person but is in love with him and can't help how she feels.I don't think she has thought about the future.She says that she doesn't think he has long to live.cheers rob

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
The thing is about my wife is that she had the most awful backgound.Her dad died when she was six.When she was ten her mother left her with neighbours who fostered her and hasn't really had much contact with her since.Her foster parents kicked her out when she was sixteen.she then went into a refuge where she was badly beaten up by four women for no reason.She then met this bloke who she had three kids with.She never married him.He used to beat her up and raped her.He even kicked her in the stomach when she was pregnant with there first child.she was split up with him when I met her and every body was just using her and stealing from her.I started dating her and got her away from all that.I started taking her kids on holiday and things.We went out for six years then married.I saw her confidence grow and she was a lovely genuine person.collecting for charities and helping people.She was a really nice person.That is why I loved her.It wasn't for her looks but her inner beauty.But since she met this bloke she has become the most horrible cold person that I have ever met.cheers rob

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Where is the money coming from for her to live?
If you then cut her off and file for divorce.
You need to not be a door mat, make her face the
consequences of her choices, protect yourself legally
and this dose of reality may make her wake up.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
R
rob68 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 106
Hi theroad.The money she is living off comes from him.He gives her just enough money to go back and forth to him but not enough for her to do anything with our daughter.Last time i saw her she looked scruffy as hell.She seems totally deppendant on him,i think that's what he wanted.I wish she would wake up to all the damage she is doing to everyone.After 21 years with someone and just turn around and treat someone like that is appalling.I don't think I can face life without her.We just don't understand any of it.no ones does.cheers rob

Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 155
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 155
Originally Posted By: rob68
The thing is about my wife is that she had the most awful backgound.Her dad died when she was six.When she was ten her mother left her with neighbours who fostered her and hasn't really had much contact with her since.Her foster parents kicked her out when she was sixteen.she then went into a refuge where she was badly beaten up by four women for no reason.She then met this bloke who she had three kids with.She never married him.He used to beat her up and raped her.He even kicked her in the stomach when she was pregnant with there first child.she was split up with him when I met her and every body was just using her and stealing from her.I started dating her and got her away from all that.I started taking her kids on holiday and things.We went out for six years then married.I saw her confidence grow and she was a lovely genuine person.collecting for charities and helping people.She was a really nice person.That is why I loved her.It wasn't for her looks but her inner beauty.But since she met this bloke she has become the most horrible cold person that I have ever met.cheers rob


This is a little off topic, but is there anyway you can get her to see a psychiatrist for a mental health imbalance? I know the fog of her affair can explain all her cold behavior, but the story of her mother abandoning her indicates mental health issues on the mother's part that could be hereditary.

I know someone who suddenly just "turned" in personality and had an affair and didn't want to be married and didn't want her children. Turned out she was bi-polar and with proper medication she is doing very well now. She can't believe she almost walked away from everything that is precious to her now. But that is what her mother did when she was a child and while her mother denies any mental health issues it seems very likely to an outside observer that she too is bi-polar.

You need to kill her affair so she can see straight again. But if you can get her to see a Dr. that might be very helpful too.

Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 34 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5