Sugarcane I was interested to know how you new I was in the UK.
Because you said this:
she was always a good wife and mum
We Brits stick out like a sore thumb on this American site. I can sniff out a fellow Brit at 100 yards. I'm in London, but the way.
And also how exposing the affair would help.Wouldn't it just turn her more against me?
Unlike most other marriage forums, this isn't just a forum where anybody can give their opinion on what someone else should do. The advice we give on this forum only comes from the work of Dr Harley, the founder of the Marriage Builders programme, and owner of this site. He has written all the free articles you should read here, in order to understand what Marriage Builders is all about. The people that post advice here have all used his programme to resolve affairs or other issues, and we post here because we know that Dr Harley's advice is unique, and it works.
If you haven't already done so, you should read the article How to Survive an Affair
, right now. It explains why an affair should be exposed:
"If your unfaithful spouse is unwilling to end an affair the right way, I know of a way to help speed up its demise: Expose it. Your own family should know: Your parents, your siblings, and even your children. The family of your spouses lover should also know, especially the lover's spouse. The pastor of your church should be informed as well. Exposure of an affair is like opening a moldy closet to the light of day. Affairs do well when they're conducted in secret, but when they're in full view for all to see, they appear as they are -- incredibly foolish and thoughtless.
Even if exposure were to be ineffective in ending an affair, I'd recommend it anyway. The betrayed spouse needs as much support as possible, and exposure helps friends and relatives understand what's going on. Keeping an affair secret is no real help to anyone. But I've been amazed at how well it dismantles the illusion that affairs rest upon. Instead of assuming that the relationship is made in heaven, an unfaithful spouse quickly senses that it's a one-way ticket to hell on earth.
The first reaction of an unfaithful spouse to exposure is to try to turn the tables on the betrayed spouse. "I will never be able to forgive you for hurting me this way. Don't you ever think about how I'd be affected by this?" Of course, it's really the affair that hurts. The exposure simply identifies the source of the pain. The unfaithful spouse should be the one begging for forgiveness.
In spite of the suffering that an affair inflicts on a betrayed spouse, during this period of exposure he or she should try to make as many Love Bank deposits and as few withdrawals as possible. If you argue about the affair, you'll damage recovery. Insist on the unfaithful spouses complete separation from the lover (no contact for life), but don't fight about it. I call this strategy to end the affair Plan A.
If exposure itself doesn't end the affair immediately, my advice regarding what to do next is usually different for husbands and wives. I encourage husbands to try to stick to avoiding arguments and meeting their unfaithful wives' basic needs (Plan A) as long as possible (six months to a year)."
The article also briefly explains Plan A, which I mentioned in my post. There is a separate article that explains What Are Plan A and Plan B?
, and several Q&A columns that Dr Harley has written in response to readers' questions on Steps to recover from an affair
. You should read all the articles about affairs first, but then read all the articles relating to Dr Harley's Basic Concepts
. You mentioned knowing that you had a lot of work to do to make your marriage much better than it was before; the Basic Concepts will show you how to accomplish that goal.
On a different subject the one thing that really put me off her the most was when i sent her a text saying how our daughter had been depressed and not eating etc.and I put at the end of the text please keep this text to yourself as it was no one elses business but ours(basically I didn't want his influence on it)then he sent me a text to my daughter to my phone from my wifes phone.Saying we all have bad days etc.I think his plan was to drive a bigger divide between my wife and I by letting me know that she had shown him the text.Plus it is his fault she was suffering in the first place.If he was such a nice genuine man he would not have instigated the affair in the first place
Well, of course he's not a nice man. He's a scumbag. Don't wear yourself out thinking about how he could do the things he is doing. Concentrate on fighting the affair, and doing Plan A if you are still interested in recovering your marriage after the affair ends.