Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
I'm so sorry frown

I completely understand your feelings as after my dday in 2011, I was about 99.9% sure there was NO possibility of my ever being able to remain married to my ex. My lovebank was completely in the negative red zone.

But I was advised to complete exposure and follow Plan B anyway. It not only will give you more options down the line should you change your mind, but it will protect you. It is win-win.

I did end up divorced anyway, but have NO regrets for following through with exposure followed by Plan B.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted By: Montgomery
Thanks Prisca. Knowing someone is doing something is one thing but hearing it all brings it to a whole new level of understanding. I know I'm raw right now and I'm not ready to say that I'm 100% sure I'm done but I have much to think about today.


My advice is to not even try to attempt to make this decision now.

When you are dealing with a wayward spouse and reeling from the things that you are (hearing the tape and learning of the drugs in addition to the affair, etc), you are going to be an emotional rollercoaster on top of the immense pain you are dealing with.

We will ALL support you should you end up in Plan D. But for right now, get yourself to a place where you have put the wheels into motion to have the most options down the line, and get to a place where you can have some peace from this craziness and decide later.

You do NOT have to decide now. I knew in my heart I was heading towards Plan D, but I just put it to the side and focused on getting into Plan B.

Hang in there.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
I'm so sorry.

Even if you knew this was the case, it is so much more painful to hear it on tape.

Nobody would fault you if you filed for divorce right this minute. This is the most abusive and painful thing one spouse can do to another. The marriage can overcome this if both parties are willing, but if you decide you are not willing you have every right to divorce.

Exposure and Plan B will help you so much. When are you planning to expose? Do you have an IM lined up for your Plan B?

Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
For now, focus on exposure and Plan B. Some people have to file if they need spousal support. See a lawyer to hear your options, but don't feel like you have to decide right away.

You should secure documentation of current finances though, include 401ks, investment accounts, etc.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
SusieQ, unwritten and apples123, I'm still going to expose and plan B. I reached out to the OW's husband today and will do Facebook and work tomorrow when they are both there. Thanks for the support.


Me-47
WH-43
OW-46
Married for 16 years
Dday-12/12/2016
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Exposure to be the most effective needs to be done all in one
day.

Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 313
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 313
How are you keeping Montgomery?


BH(me)-48 WW-43
Seperated
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Thinking about you Montgomery, hope you are hanging in there. Please keep us updated on your exposure and let us know if you have questions.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
Unwritten, weirdsituation, theroad and All.

The exposure seems to have gone as well as can be expected. The OW'$ husband believed me despite his WW telling him I was crazy and paranoid. He contacted my husband and told him it was low down to mess with another man's wife when they are trying to work on their marriage! He was going to go meet her last night after the call from her husband 'to talk' and I said that actions speak louder than words and by going there he was making a mistake and that I was going out to dinner. He asked me to wait on him and I said no, I wasn't going to wait on him while he went to see his girlfriend so he decided to go with me. I gave him every opportunity to tell me anything else I needed to know but he said he had told me the complete truth about everything (which was yet another lie because I had listened to the VAR).

I emailed all the big shots at OW and WH's work and they are both suspended pending further investigation. They spent an hour on the phone today after that happened. WH says he broke up with her and wants to work on our marriage.

Last edited by Montgomery; 01/23/17 04:58 PM.

Me-47
WH-43
OW-46
Married for 16 years
Dday-12/12/2016
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 313
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 313
Wow. This is beautiful. The exposure has really worked. Great and smooth job. I love your resilience. I am learning a thing or two from you. I am curious as to replies you are getting from friends and families on all sides. Did you expose to them. What was your husband's reaction? I mean emotionally, roughed up, guilty.. how does he look? Is he angry at you? Any remorse?

Last edited by WierdSituation; 01/23/17 05:30 PM.

BH(me)-48 WW-43
Seperated
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Way to go, Montgomery!

If your husband is serious and you are willing, you need to move and get away from temptation and bad memories.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Who else did you expose to? What information did you give her BH? Did you tell him you have proof?

I would also not hesitate to mention that your WH was having a PA with her while continuing to have an intimate relationship with you. I would put money on the fact your WH has told his OW that you are 'married by paper only' and sleep in seperate beds... It's in the wayturd handbook you know wink

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Now is the time to give your WH a list of EP's that you require to stay in the marriage. He needs to do these 110% immediately or I would go directly in Plan B. I would include quiting his job and moving, since the OW is a coworker and local enough to have carried on an affair right in your own home. If he hesitates at all, Plan B. I do not want to see you go through another DDay.

Where are you at with Plan B preparations?

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted By: Montgomery
Unwritten, weirdsituation, theroad and All.

The exposure seems to have gone as well as can be expected. The OW'$ husband believed me despite his WW telling him I was crazy and paranoid. He contacted my husband and told him it was low down to mess with another man's wife when they are trying to work on their marriage! He was going to go meet her last night after the call from her husband 'to talk' and I said that actions speak louder than words and by going there he was making a mistake and that I was going out to dinner. He asked me to wait on him and I said no, I wasn't going to wait on him while he went to see his girlfriend so he decided to go with me. I gave him every opportunity to tell me anything else I needed to know but he said he had told me the complete truth about everything (which was yet another lie because I had listened to the VAR).

I emailed all the big shots at OW and WH's work and they are both suspended pending further investigation. They spent an hour on the phone today after that happened. WH says he broke up with her and wants to work on our marriage.


He needs to commit to total no contact immediately.

If he tells you he needs to go talk to her, or calls her for 'closure,' he should come home to the locks changed. Don't lecture him or debate him on it, just put his stuff on the porch and change the locks.

It doesn't take an hour to break up with somebody. It takes a no contact letter IN THE MAIL. This tells me he is not serious at all.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Montgomery


I emailed all the big shots at OW and WH's work and they are both suspended pending further investigation. They spent an hour on the phone today after that happened. WH says he broke up with her and wants to work on our marriage.


Montgomery, your husband is not serious about ending his affair so you must ask him to move out immediately. Did you play the recording for the OW's husband?

Did you finish your exposures? Did you expose to all her family and friends?

I hope you are doing ok, you have been so very strong and brave!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Did you make plans to go out to dinner with your WH when he was still gaslighting you about affair and had not agreed
to 100% NC?

Montgomery, if your WH will not agree to do NOT only these things but to all of the things on the EP checklist AND agree to end all drug/alcohol use etc, you need to pack his bags and tell him to leave.

Please do check in a little bit more. I'm very concerned you could get sidetracked with a gaslighting wayward and spend MORE time in Plan A, when that is not where you should be.

Last edited by SusieQ; 01/23/17 08:48 PM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 225
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 225
Also, what about the drugs? In your house! Or did I misread?


Married to Pearlseeker for 13 yrs
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
Thanks for the overwhelming show of support from everyone here. I promise to come back later today and give a comprehensive reply. Yesterday was very busy with the exposure, finally getting tested for STD's, picking up the report from the PI and still showing up to work for 5 hours! I doubt couldn't have made it this far without everyone's help but I realize it's far from over.


Me-47
WH-43
OW-46
Married for 16 years
Dday-12/12/2016
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
I just want to say you are doing great. Most people who come here don't want to take the hard steps and want to let their emotions run the show. I can tell you are a strong woman who will follow a plan instead. Trust me when I say even though exposure and Plan B are hard, you will be so much better off in the end following a plan! Whether you end up recovering your marriage or having personal recovery without being daily impacted by the affair, it will be a success.

Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 78
Apples123, unwritten, MelodyLane, SusieQ and buildsherhouse,

I do hope I answer all the wonderful responses I've received. It's been an intense few days as I'm sure you can all understand. I'm sure I've not done everything perfectly by MB standards and I'm sure I've made some mistakes but I've been doing my best.

I offered to share the VAR recording and PI report with the OW's husband but he said it wouldn't be necessary. He said Friday was the first time she had stayed out all night in their 25 years together. He suspected something but couldn't prove anything until I contacted him. I reached out to him today and gave him another opportunity to see/hear the evidence but he declined and based on his reply I think he must have had his own affair at some point. He did agree to let me know if he suspects or learns his WW and my WH are still seeing each other. I'm going to destroy the VAR soon but I wanted to give the OW's BH a second chance to listen before I do so. It is a felony where I live to record someone without their prior consent.

I'm sorry to be dense but I have read around the forum and SAA and I'm unsure what EP stands for? I have told my WH that to stay together and rebuild our marriage he would have to cooperate with complete transparency, quit his job, agree to absolutely no contact with the OW and agree to everything else outlined in the MB program. He resigned from his job today and forwarded me the email he sent to his boss. He gave me his work email password. I know it's just a start but it's something I suppose. I also told him I will need his other email password and full disclosure of all accounts, passwords and access to his phone at all times and he said that would not be a problem. Thus far I have only asked for his work email password and checked that but I suspect he deleted messages before giving me the password. He admitted last night that work email was how they communicated after I discovered the phone calls and texts back in December.

Obviously I don't trust him and I have every reason not to. He made a complete 180 after I exposed to the OW's BH Sunday. I had already been dealing with this for nearly 6 weeks with little to no change or show of effort on his part so it's bending my mind. I'm completely confused.

Oh the drugs! Where to begin.... He lied Sunday night and told me that Friday he was getting the OW 'pills' but I knew from the VAR that he bought cocaine. He is a pothead and pot is illegal in our state but he has had a regular supplier for decades. I pointedly asked him if there was anything he wasn't telling me because I didn't want any surprises and of course he said no. As per the usual these days since I'm not sleeping well I woke at 3 am and when he woke up I told him I knew he was doing cocaine with the OW in our home Friday. He claims it was a mutual idea and they split the cost as if that matters! He claims he doesn't normally do cocaine or any other drugs besides marijuana and said I could drug test him. I'm not sure where to go on the drug angle besides randomly test him. I'm not seeing any money coming out of our regular joint account but he works side construction jobs with his brother and gets cash for that so he could be using that money for his affair and drug expenses.

I exposed to his family, my family, the OW's husband and her Facebook friends and their work. Sadly I can't find any information on the OW's parents and they live in another state so that was the best I could do and still expose in a timely fashion. Unfortunately no one in the bunch is a practicing Christian except me so there was no clergy to inform.

My mistakes as I see it thus far:

Before I learned of MB I confronted him about the affair before I had hard evidence.

It took me too long to get evidence because they became more secretive.

I wasn't able to hide my feelings well enough after the first PI surveillance and he knew I was suspicious and mad.

I've continually let him gaslight me because I'm either a fool or a sucker but I honestly love him for some reason.

I didn't make the 2 hour drive home when I knew they were sleeping together in my bed.

Probably more mistakes that I don't even realize.

I'm ready for plan B but now he starting to act like he is really trying (but only since yesterday morning)!

So Sunday when I came home I slept in the spare bedroom because I couldn't bring myself to sleep in my own bed where they were together only hours earlier. Last night he slept with me in the spare bedroom. He knows that I know they were together in our room and in our bed and that I will never sleep in that room or bed again. I also had my wedding rings cut off by the jewler on Sunday after listening to the VAR. I told him I was letting him go because I had a PI following him and I knew he had the OW spend the night at our house while I was out of town.

I've probably botched the whole thing but I've done my best. I love him but I'm worth so much more. I'm not really sure where to go from here.

I'm sorry for the excessively long post. It's been intense and surreal. I feel like I'm at a crossroads where I either give him another chance and plan A longer but fear I will most likely end up disappointed or just go into plan B tomorrow despite his efforts over the last 24 hours!?!?
Thanks again for everyone's kind words and support.


Me-47
WH-43
OW-46
Married for 16 years
Dday-12/12/2016
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 11 guests, and 48 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg, Endlessvow
71,682 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,562
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5