Short story is I discovered my wife was having an affair in September. It was a difficult ride until January when I found out that she hadn't quit contacting the other man like she was supposed to. I filed for divorce that very day! She begged to stop the divorce proceedings and give her another chance, two weeks later I discovered she googled the other man and his wife.

My question is do I continue with the divorce proceedings or what? I'm so disappointed in myself and her for this.

Hi Grevers, welcome to Marriage Builders. The solution to an affair is to a) affair proof your marriage and b) create a romantic marriage. The steps to affair proof the marriage are on this checklist:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

What steps have you taken from the list? Have you exposed the affair to everyone? Does your wife ever see the OM? How close do you live to him?

We're working on the first

She accomplished the second

The other man sent her a no contact letter

I wouldn't know how to answer the fourth. She claims she hasn't seen him in over a year.

She refused to block him before I filed for divorce but I haven't asked since. She won't close any of her social media accounts and she won't give complete transparency

We tell each other what we've done that day but I believe there's parts of her day not being said.

She talks to me before any big expenses are made

We don't spend leisure time together because I have a traveling job

We're talking about me quitting and coming home for good

Not sure what technical accountability is?

We've told her family and a few of mine


I hope this makes sense!

Have you exposed the affair to the OM's wife? Other red flags are your travel, you can't save a marirage that way.


WE wouldn't suggest she "block" him, but that she delete all social media. If she won't do those thing, you should just get divorced.

can you explain a little more why I should divorce? I'm torn between leaving and staying.

Do you have spyware put on her devices?

Did you expose the affair?

BrainHurts to answer your questions would be a no. I don't know how to get ahold of her.

Is she not living with you?

So no one knows of her affair?

Yes people know of the affair and I have a traveling job. It keeps me away most of the time.

IF she refuses to affair proof your marriage, this will be your future. I suspect she has had more affairs and you have no idea what she is doing. You have been dealing with this for several months and the reason is because she has not even taken basic steps to correct the problem..

However, if she will do those things, and you expose the affair to the OMs wife, family and friends and stop traveling, you might have a chance.

Who actually knows of her affair? Does your children know?
Was the OM married? Who is the OM? How did she meet him?

Why can't get spyware put on her devices when you're home?

What is your plan to stop traveling?

Who actually knows of her affair? Does your children know?
Was the OM married? Who is the OM? How did she meet him?

Her mom and siblings, our oldest child, a couple members of my family, and a few of my friends

Spyware is illegal without their knowledge and could land me in jail.

How will she get that knowledge?

What would she have to do with it, to land you in jail? Would she bring a court case, and risk being questioned in court about her affair? Do you think, once her rage died down, she'd be prepared to be questioned under oath about her affair? Do you think she would be prepared to have her affair become public knowledge, via a court case?

We on this forum who give advice have all used spyware of one kind or another at some time. It's essential for getting evidence of an affair. If you're not prepared to use it - if you think you're going to be the first spouse that we've heard of to land in jail for detecting his wife's affair - then you might as well call it a day, and accept the affair.

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That's uncalled for. These people are volunteering their time to help you. You are talking to someone who has a vast knowledge on plans that have already been enacted by others. She isn't making this stuff up as she goes. She relays the same messages that you would hear from Dr Harley, an expert in this field.

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