I found out that my WH had a PA with his coworker that lasted on and off for over 9 years. OW emailed me in June 2016 to tell me of the A and to let me know that she gave birth to OC in 2014. She sent me a picture and it looks just like him but never requested a DNA test because her BS did not know it was not biologically his until he had already been attached to the OC. BS wants to raise OC with their other 2 children. My WH and I decided to have NC with the OC or the OW (before I even ran across the MB a few weeks ago). I wish I would have ran across it sooner.

My WH and I do not have any children together, I have 2 from my previous marriage, they are both young adults, my WH is a terrific SF.

My issue that I'm having is how long the PA went on for, 9 years!! My WH and I have been together for 15 yrs so more than half of our life together has been with an OW! I feel so blindsided. I can't stop thinking about how he could do this to our M. I constantly think about it everyday and it's eating me up inside. He never did anything for me to suspect him of having an PA. I feel so na�ve.

WH listened to Dr. Harley's radio clips and is doing everything to show me he is sorry and that he wants our M to work. I never got a chance to expose to his workplace about the PA because he nor she work there any longer. I have been in contact with the OWH. Their entire family and friends all know.
I fear that exposing it our family and friends now would do no good because the A ended almost 3 yrs ago and if I expose it to my WH family, they may want to see the OC.

My WH now works with me, (he left his job when she was on maternity leave). I'm in the office and he is out on sites. I want to put a GPS or VAR in his work truck because that is the only time he could possibly have a recurring A but I don't want either of us to get fired. During his A with the OW, he always came home on time from work and was with me every night and never gave me any reason to suspect anything, ever. Their PA solely happened at the work place. I've always had access to all passwords and phone bill. I want to make sure that during our recovery, our marriage is AP. Any suggestions?

NS, welcome to Marriage Builders. You have done a lot of the right things but I would expose the affair to your own family and friends. You don't need to ever mention the OC, since it is a moot point. The OWH is the legal father and besides, there has been no DNA test.

Are you married?

How far do you live from the OW?

I never thought about exposing the affair without exposing the OC. You have given me something to think about.

Thank you for the welcoming! I have been a lurker for a few weeks now and also have read SAA. Yes, we have been together for 15 years and married for 7 years. During the time of affair, we got married and so did the OW. She had 2 children during this time with her BS. My WH does not have any biological children of his own. Before finding the MB, I had told my WH that if he wanted to have C with the OC then I would try to make it work but he was the one that wanted NC. He says as far as he is concerned, he doesn't have a child because no DNA test and the child has a father.

We live and work about 45 minutes away.

I'm going to lunch with my WH now, we go everyday together. I could easily put a GPS in his truck, I'm just worried since we work together, I don't want us both to get fired. He also has a work phone that I don't have access to so I'm thinking I should put a VAR in his truck.

What about moving away and starting fresh?

That is a great idea. I would also think about moving away. This is a very long term affair and the temptation will be great. Moving would also help you get over it. You are triggered just by being in your house.

I am relieved that the OWH does know. That is a little extra insurance.

We both would love to but my WH has an elderly grandmother that helped us buy a house close to her so we can check in on her. If it weren't for her, we would definitely move. WH is her Power of Attorney.

OW constantly harassed me for many months telling me that she is still in love with my WH and that she would leave her BS if WH would be with her. And that all she now wants is my WH to love the OC. And how he got away ScottFree, without any C or CS. She is very selfish and is only thinking about herself and not the OC. She admitted to me that she entrapped WH on purpose. Since she kept harassing me I finally decided to block her from my phone and FB acct. The problem is I tend to look at her FB out of curiosity and I know I am just harming myself.

I am thinking about exposure to our family and friends. Just hope it doesn't set us back from how far we have come since I found out about the A. We have been following all of the EP's. We spend lots of UA together now that my children are out of the house. Every night and every weekend we are together. I'm not suspecting that he is still cheating, but I never suspected before either so I want to make sure we are AP.

I would suggest you ask him to take a polygraph. You are right that a 9 year affair and OC is a very big SSL. Especially since he didn't act wayward as we normally see it, but rather acted absolutely normal. It makes me feel like he is gifted at having a parallel SSL and I would wonder what else there is hiding in the shadows.

I would hate for you to end up finding out about other affairs or OC, or anything else, after working hard to recover from this. A polygraph would help you get it all out on the table now.

How much UA time are you getting a week? Are you meeting the 4 intimate ENs during this time?

What does SSL mean?

How do I go about getting a polygraph?

NS, I would tell your family and brainstorm with your husband on ways to move away. May be you could move away with the grandmother, who knows. But with a bunny boiler OW, you will be dealing with her for years to come if you don't move and fall off the grid. She should never be able to find you.

Exposure won't set your marriage back, it is therapeutic. The more people who know, the more people to support your marriage and hold him accountable.

Did he change his #s so she can't get through?

He totally had me fooled, I thought I had the perfect marriage. I thought I had the perfect H. We were already doing most of the EP's before the A. We did both have a few LB's over the years but nothing to make me think he would do this. I wonder if he can only be with me.

I do have access to his work email, I do part HR so I have his password.

I texted OWH copies of the emails and texts of the nasty things she told me about the A and how she wouldn't stop harassing me. He told her that is she didn't stop, he would leave her. Not that I would want him to leave her. I just wanted him to be aware of it. He knows she is still hung up on my H after all these years.

I blocked her from both of our phones through Verizon.

Grandma won't move because she has lived in the same house for 60+ years. She is 87, and I hate to say this but if something did happen to her, we have both said we will move. Sadely, we are all she has.

She probably won't stop.

My WH doesn't have FB.

We spend from 4:30pm until bedtime together and are with each other every weekend. We are always together except at work, however, we take our 45 min lunch break together every day. We spend at least 31 hours together. We are both very clingy, that is how I don't understand that this happened. And yes we both fulfill our 4 EN's. When my children lived with us, I think I spent most of my time taking care of them and my job more than taking care of my WH EN's.

I've blocked her from every possible way to get ahold of me. Except of course in person. For the first few months I didn't want to block my number. I was worried she would show up at our work with the OC, but now since we have past the 2 year Statute of Limitations on having a court order DNA test per our State since she is married, my WH will never have to take one so if she were to show up, I would get a restraining order.

Your time together should be spent meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation,. affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment out on dates, while you look your best. UA time spent at home is usually lousy and ineffective because hobbies, chores, TV, phone, etc interferes. It should be a DATE atmosphere. Most people can't achieve that, not even Dr Harley and his wife.

Then we probably get less than half of the 31 hours we spend together on UA. So this may be the reason he had the PA?