I have been contemplating joining for a while, but never really did because I didn't want to let all of this out in the open. My now husband cheated on me early 2015. We were engaged and planning our wedding and everything seemed great. I had been noticing him on his phone a lot for several months and even though it bothered me, I let it be. The day I found out was one of the hardest I have had to deal with in a long time. He was in the shower and I was back there talking to him. The dogs were being cute so I grabbed his phone and took a picture. I went to text it to my own phone and saw he had conversations with numbers I didn't know and weren't saved as contacts. I went through them and found out he had been sexting with several men. These were men he had found on craigslist personals. He had sent pictures of himself to them as well. I confronted him and he said that he was just curious and had only sexted, there had never been any meetups.

I asked to go through his phone and he thought he had been sneaky enough to delete everything. Unfortunately, I am very tech-savvy. I found e-mails from one person confirming that he had a great night and hoped to do it again. After showing that to him he finally confessed. He said he had slept with 3 random men and had been telling me he was working late. He would meet them at their homes or in cars to do the deed. I asked for the details to see how far he had gone and he had told me that he had only given. We fought and I wanted to leave him because I had made it clear that cheating was a deal breaker for me. However, I stuck it out. We did the whole talking thing and I thought we were doing good. We went ahead and got married and have started looking for a house now.

I have always feared he was lying to me though. I could always tell he was holding things back when I would ask. I had specifically asked if he had ever received anal as that was something that made it harder for me to accept. I have nothing against gay or bisexual individuals as I am bisexual myself. However, he was straight and me knowing that he only gave made it feel like he did that in an attempt to feel like he wasn't cheating since he could have done that to a woman too. He told me the other night that he had in fact received from two different men which automatically made me sick to my stomach even though I had already "known" that he had. Just hearing him say it made it that much worse for me. I also asked about a guy I didn't know who was at our house when I got home from work early one day. He said they were friends and he knew I would say no to having him over when I wasn't there because I didn't know him. I got angry and ran the guy off and later found a bottle of pop in my bedroom on my nightstand. Found out the other night that he in fact was one of the guys that my husband had given to and was the only one he invited into our home and slept in our bed with.

With these two revelations, I have spiraled into feeling like it was a terrible mistake for me to actually go through with the wedding and to continue trying. He has constantly told me that he isn't gay and the only reason he did all of this was because he likes the sex. We had even started experimenting with that so he could have it, but still be faithful. I guess I wasn't good enough to fulfill his curiosities as this span of time was the only time he has ever done this. I know that he hasn't cheated on me again, but just knowing that he had withheld those details and lied to me several times since then about them has got me down again. I can't sleep without dreaming about him with other men. I can't trust him when he is at work or out with friends. I feel like I am losing my mind all over again just because I know he had received. I feel like now I have to worry about him cheating on me with women and men. I know he doesn't want to give up on us and he has been trying to be a better person, without much success. I just need some advice to help me get past this latest upset. I don't rub it in his face because I know resentment towards the affair is wrong. I just can't get it out of my own head and now I question everything he does because I have no trust. A huge part of me wishes it had been women he was sleeping with because then I wouldn't feel disgusted. He has told me it is all about the sex and that is it. I told him with this last thing that there would be none of that in our relationship and he wouldn't be going outside of our relationship for it either now. So if that was something he had to have, than this was his chance to leave because it would never happen again.

Advice for a 26 year old who is helplessly spiraling into depression over and over. I can't get on my feet. I cry whenever I think about it. It took me months to want to have sex with him again after the first time and I am at that point again. I just feel like me holding out on him because I'm not interested will drive him to finding alternate ways again.

Welcome to MB.

Did you get married after all that? Why, if so? When did you get married?

Yes I caught him with all of the cheating in February 2015. We got married May 2015. I contemplated throwing our relationship away. We had already spent a lot of money on the wedding planning that we wouldn't have been able to get back. I went back and forth for weeks about whether I wanted to work it out or just end it. He agreed to do counseling or whatever I needed him to do so he didn't lose me. I think in the end I figured we had been together 6.5 years and he was obviously sorry for what he had done and wanted to do whatever he needed to make it better. We did go to the doctor and make sure he hadn't gotten anything and he was diagnosed as bipolar with mania as well. I'm not sure if I used part of that as an excuse for his actions since a manic episode can cause hypersexual behaviors that one wouldn't normally do. I think in the end I really do love him and I want to make things work, but I just can't get out of my own head.

You're 26. Why do you want to stay with him, when you could put an end to your misery and walk away? I take it you have no children?

I'm not saying that you should walk away. Rather, I am exploring whether, in a short marriage with no children (?) and with your being so young, you really do want to build a new marriage.

If you do, we can help you do that. It starts with both of you taking extraordinary precautions against affairs. Since you both seem to be bi-sexual, that rules out either of you having friendships with anyone but each other. Affairs usually start with friendships. If you could know for certain that your husband could not be having sex (online or in person) with anyone else, your doubts and worries would be eased.

Is your husband's bi-polar being medicated? Is he being co-operative about that?

It sounds as if you need to see your doctor about your own depression.

How do you know?

What do you mean by this? What is he trying to do to be a better person, and how is he not succeeding?

You shouldn't blindly trust him.
What is he doing that you question?

Does he take overnight trips? Does he come home late? Is he secretive with his phone? What does he do that makes you uneasy?

I have asked myself that on many occasions. I love him and I know that he has made some terrible decisions. I know his childhood was messed up and I'm sure that helped with his decision making process. I have never been one to quit though. I really do feel like we could make this a great thing again, I just need to find some way to let go of the anger that I have towards the whole situation. We don't have kids which I am thankful for or else all of this would have been that much harder.

I have never actually been able to connect to anyone like I have with him. I feel like we really do get each other and we have been through a lot. I guess we can just call me crazy for wanting to try and make it work even though I am miserable a good part of the time right now. I am just reaching out for help because I was able to get back to a level playing field after the initial affairs so why shouldn't I be able to get past this setback.

Neither of us believe he is bisexual. He just likes that kind of sex which I could give him. He doesn't like men, he has no emotional connection with them, he just has that fetish. His affairs didn't start with friendships though. It was just an idea of his that took off where he responded to craigslist personals and talked to the people for a while and then he decided to actually meet up with a few of them to get the real thing instead of texts and pictures. None of them are friends. He doesn't have their numbers, e-mails, etc. so contact has been fully severed.

He is being medicated and he is 100% compliant. He has asked about getting off the meds since he is feeling better, but I have explained that the medications are why he feels better and that by ending them, the levels in his system would drop and he would revert back to how he used to be. Other than him not wanting to divulge these last two details about the initial affair, he has been completely honest and forthcoming with me. We have rules in place that he follows and that is how I was able to get comfortable after he cheated the first go around.

I probably should speak with my doctor about my depression, but I have seen how many people have been through affairs on this website and just wanted to give this a try to see what kind of advice I could get. My true goal with all of this is to stay with my husband and rebuild our marriage to the point that we are 100% honest and happy with one another.The biggest thing holding us back from that is just me not knowing what to do in order to stop going back to the events.

I know he hasn't cheated on me again because one of my coping mechanisms after the initial affairs was to have complete access to all of his communication routes. I review all of his e-mails, texts, phone logs, etc. and other than the people he had been talking to originally, he has never had any new activity. He agreed to all of this because he knew that I would be worried if I didn't see it. I haven't checked all of this in a very long time now, but after I found out it was how I coped.

He is trying to be a better person by going to a psychiatrist. He is staying on his medications which is leveling out his moods. He has a way of feeling like he is doing a lot to make a difference, but in the end its all just what he makes it seem. He does really good about being positive and trying to be romantic with me like surprising me with goodies or cuddling on the couch to watch a movie. He used to just want to play video games and do his own thing without that emotional attachment. What I mean by not succeeding is that he does really good for a while and then its like he gets lazy and doesn't try that hard anymore. So he doesn't go back to cheating or anything like that, but he doesn't put out the effort to show that he wants to keep getting better.

I don't really think he does anything in particular that doesn't make me not trust him. I just get so paranoid that the slighest alterations in our daily routines makes me uneasy. For example, he is supposed to get off work at 5 and since his original affair scheme was "he had to work late", I start to get panicked when he hasn't texted me saying he is on his way by 5:15. That's why I feel like it's all me at this point because he doesn't go anywhere overnight without me. He isn't secretive about his phone and actually lets me look at it whenever. Him coming home late anymore is like 15-30 minutes late whereas it used to be 2 hours late if he was seeing someone. I really don't feel like there is anything to be worried about, but I feel vulnerable again after hearing his latest confessions, even though I already knew about them, but he had never told me himself.

Regardless of whether you want to call him bisexual or not (it really doesn't matter to me), he will always be at risk of having another affair with a man. So, what sugarcane told you holds true: Neither he nor you can have friendships other than each other. He cannot have friends with men or women, and neither can you. You are both susceptible to both genders.

If you don't follow that rule, you will always be fearful of what he might could be doing.

People on this website have recovered from affairs, that is true. But we did it by following very specific rules. If the rules are not followed, recovery cannot happen.

So even though he wasn't friends with any of these people, that still holds true? I don't fear him doing this with any of his male friends at all. Its people that I don't know myself that I get uneasy about. It's the strangers that are just looking for a good time. I am great at following rules, but they have to make sense to me as well.

You should keep checking until it becomes boring.

How many hours alone together do you get a week? Doing what?

This is a trigger. He shouldn't alter his routine without discussing it with you first. And since he has a history of using "working late" as an excuse to have sex with someone else, he should never, ever work late again. Ever. He should get off at 5 and be home promptly. You will be triggered every single time he works late.

The two of you should have a one time sit down session where you can ask him everything you want to know about the affairs. Once you have all the details, and you have extraordinary precautions in place, you two should never speak of it again. Every time it is brought up, it will trigger all the horrible feelings. It will consume you.

It was pretty boring when I finally stopped checking it lol. I can still take a peak though just to make sure. We usually get around 35 hours together. Most of that time is spent doing things weenjoy like playing video games or having Netflix binges. We try to spend all of our time away from work with each other.

I wish he could get off at 5 everyday but he is a mechanic so there are days that he has to stay late to finish a customer car. He is supposed to tell me if he is going to be late and give me an estimate. I know that still gives him wiggle room to make something happen, but he usually is only 30 minutes late at max.

We did have the sit down with the original affair and I asked all these questions. He just held stuff back at that point that he told me now. How do I know when I'm being excessive with my precautions and requests? I don't want to drive him away because I'm asking too much.

You should be meeting the 4 intimate ENs during your UA time.
Read this The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

So all of these sexual hookups happened before you were married? Is that correct?

I know you said you can check his phone whenever, but do you have spyware on all his devices so you can monitor all the time?

I have read through your initial post and maybe i missed it, but are you a man or a woman?

Yes all of the hookups happened within 6 months of us getting married. No I don't have spyware. I just monitor what numbers he is texting and calling, his email and I check his Facebook and internet history when I do have his phone. I am a woman.

If you want to continue this marriage you will need to put spyware on all his devices and a VAR in his vehicle to confirm what he is doing. You need to do this without his knowledge. Will you do this?

What EPs (extraordinary precautions) have been put in place to affair proof your marriage? Has he changed all his contact information?

Out of curiosity, why should I go and put spyware on everything and go through with the VAR behind his back? I understand if I were trying to catch him in the act or didn't already have access to almost everything he has. This just seems like spying for no reason and I feel like being sneaky is what got us into this mess. I am an open and honest person and this just doesn't seem right to me when we have already gone through the affair and are trying to heal.

He doesn't go anywhere without me and I don't go run errands without dragging him along anymore. I work from home now so he isn't able to use our house or visit with people while I am gone anymore. I have prompt requirements about communication when he goes to work. I have his work schedule so I know when he is supposed to be there and leave. I require him to let me know when he is off which has to be within 15 minutes of his expected off time on the schedule or he has to notify me if he will be staying late to finish a customer car. If he is staying late, he has to use the shop phone to call me so I know he has been there late instead of just saying that. He then has the appropriate amount of time to get home. We changed his e-mail address as that was the main route of communication to start with. We went through and deleted all of his online "dating" profiles. His phone number is the same, but as I said, I monitor all calls and texts from that so I will know when he is talking to someone that isn't a known acquaintance.

"Trust, but verify."

Basically, snooping will give you peace of mind. It is what builds trust. When you snoop, and you find that he is not doing anything suspicious, your emotions will follow. You will have proof that he is being honest with you, and that proof will lead to trust.

My mechanic never stays late to finish my car! When it comes quitting time, we get the car the next day. He is choosing to stay late, despite the anxiety it causes you.

Oh trust me. He isn't choosing to stay late. His boss requires it and he has had co-workers that have been fired for refusing to stay late. This shop cares more about money than employee's schedules. I have actually talked to his boss about this myself so I know that it's not just an excuse from my husband.

I feel like I do still snoop. As mentioned before, I had been checking his e-mails religiously until I realized there wasn't anything happening there. I check it every now and then, but he also knows that I have complete access to it and see his e-mails before he does for sure. I still review our phone bills every month and check through all of the numbers on the call and text logs. He hasn't made any communication attempts that way. I go through his phone on occasion and review his facebook and internet browsing history. The most recent thing I found was that he had used a "secret browser" to watch porn while he masturbated. He knows I don't care for porn either, but he didn't want to bother me for sex since I had been incredibly sick. That was about 3 months ago and I have since then disabled that option for him so he can't hide any internet usage. So I feel like I am snooping enough to know that he isn't communicating with anybody and hasn't since I caught him the first time. I just don't feel right spying on him when I have already snooped and found nothing to be suspicious about. Plus, he knows that I review everything already.

We did sit down last night and I discussed what many of you have suggested as well as went over the UA stuff. We had done the love bank and questionnaires after the affair already so he knew a little bit about what I was saying. He agreed to do whatever was necessary to help me get out of my own head because he was the one who made the mistake and I shouldn't suffer from it. We made communication rules about where he is at all times. He has to tell me when he is off work (which has to be within 15 minutes of his scheduled off time) or he needs to tell me he will be however late. If he is late, he has to use the shop phone to call me so I know he has actually been there and didn't just use that excuse to go somewhere else. He is to reduce his phone usage as he still is on facebook a lot and I get uneasy when I see him doing his own thing since that is how he was with the affair. He has also asked me to find something to put on his phone so I can tell where he is at all times so I can be certain that he is where he is supposed to be. I'm just not comfortable with sneaking around. I would rather be honest with him and tell him that I would be looking through everything so he has to either work incredibly hard to find people or he just knows he can't get away with it. After my breakdown and confronting him about all of my concerns, he has made a complete 180 as to how he is behaving. He is being much more affectionate and said he wants to make sure we hug each other before he leaves for work and first thing when he gets home. He doesn't wait for me to ask him to do things around the house to help out. He even asked to be more responsible and wanted to learn what I do financially to keep our household running so he knows what kind of work I do for us to survive. I think this is a great thing. Am I right to think its positive, or should I think it is just him putting a sugar coating on things so I back off? I honestly feel that it is genuine effort.