What name did you use to post to Dr. Harley on the private forum?

Sugar, you're right that she could find those things with her mother, a nanny or somewhere else.

We met in Europe when we were both working over there on tech consulting projects. It was easy to spend time together because we travelled almost every weekend together. Started off on quite a high note.

You're right about dating, tho. I have been terrible at planning dates and in fact they have been almost non-existent since we got married and had our first child who is now 12.

Thanks for pointing this out. When I wrote it, I didn't see it as a DJ but I was definitely judging how she was feeling and what she wanted at the game.

Prisca, I have been avoiding sharing that information because things got really ugly, which I take the blame for. In fact, when MelodyLane asked, I lied to her about posting because I didn't want my thread to turn into another cluster like it did before. I have forgiven my W for the EA and I want to move forward and concentrate on my side of the street.

But, I want to learn and maybe sharing the past is the only way to grow. So, here you go... my old username was MtnMan.

Here's what I see. I wonder if your wife sees the same things:

You don't need us to coach you through individual aspects of specific topics for conversation, or the details of how to be affectionate when you suck at it.

You've already been given that advice, or had the chance to learn how to do things properly, when you were on the online programme. The reason why you failed at accomplishing change is not that you somehow innately suck at doing certain things, but because you did't make yourself do them, and you also did not make yourself stop doing the things that frightened your wife and made her unhappy. If you've already got a galvanised response metre, you know how to use it and you know that you should go back to using it when you feel your self-control slipping. You didn't do that because you didn't want to.

You DON'T want to be separated or divorce. You really do want to live with your wife for the rest of your lives, and you want to be with your kids every day. You really are gutted to be separated again, and to be facing the prospect of divorce.

The problem for your wife is that your strong feelings of wanting to be married did not make you stop your horrible behaviour when you were doing phone coaching, nor after you separated and went back, nor during and after the online course. No matter what resources have been brought to bear on the problems, you haven't availed yourself of them sufficiently to stop the problems.

So your wife is facing a possible future of living with a horrible husband, throwing him out, watching him grovel for weeks and believing his sincerity, and taking him back, only for the whole process to start over.

She has no reason to take you back, knowing that the problems will come back again, in time.

I don't know what you can do to show her that this time, this time, you really mean it and she won't have to go through the problems again.

It's a good sign that she is in the least bit interested in the fact that you are posting again, and that she is giving you criticism on how you come across in your posts. If she was really DONE, she wouldn't be doing those things.

Why aren't you posting to Dr Harley about this? Did your wife say she did not want you to do that?

I couldn't agree more.

You've got the head knowledge of what you need to do. But when you fail to do it, or fail to STOP the hurtful behavior, it leaves your wife with no hope at all.

When are you going to value your wife enough to STOP the abuse? She has no reason to believe you ever will. You've been through the finest program in the country, yet you haven't done anything about it. It's ALL on you right now. What are you doing about it?

You've got to become so calm and cool-headed that your wife could completely walk all over you and you wouldn't react. You CAN do that. Will you?

That's why I'm here. I know I have to stop it and I'm here posting on this forum to learn how I'm still going wrong. Also to be held accountable for my actions.

How many times a day are you using the GSR?

Do you lie to stay out of trouble with your wife?

Yes, Prisca. Always remaining calm and preventing AO even in the face of getting walked on. I have to do that or nothing else is possible.

And, what do you lie about?

i used it once last week and none over the weekend.

You need to use it at least once a day, at a minimum. And, really, you should plan for 3 times a day. This is your number one goal right now ... We'd all laugh at an Olympic Gymnast hopeful that only trained once a week, right?

Read over most of both of your previous threads.

The issues you have posted here recently appear to be the same as years ago, only worse. Exactly how is it that you feel you would benefit from the forum at this time?

What I am seeing is that you clearly "hold the truth" regarding LBs and at least to some extent, meeting of ENs. Yet you have not done it. Have you thought about why? What is it that you lack?

There's knowing and then there's doing. There comes a point when knowing more isn't going to get you anywhere. You just need to do. No need to understand, or to talk, or think. Just do, and record your actions on the worksheets. Simple as that.

I am certainly not discouraging the use of this forum. My point, though, is that is it NOT a replacement for motivation. There is no all powerful nugget of wisdom to be discovered here. Once you know the basics, the nugget is to just do it.

When you write that you love your wife, it comes across to me as, "I love (the way) you (make me feel)." When your actions don't align with your words, that is what you are saying.

You have to want it bad enough to act. Especially when you have this whopper of a hole to dig out of.

This is the quote of the century for the prior thread, in my opinion:


She was talking to someone else. See the truth, man! Just as the forum can't motivate you, your wife shouldn't have to. YOU ARE THE LEADER when it comes to breaking this cycle. You have no choice in that. It just is.

The problem, Dig, is that you are not sufficiently motivated. The best type of motivation is the internal, positive sort (you seeing the benefits of marriage as being greater than the cost). The alternative is external negative (her divorcing you). I think I'd rather find the former within me and act on that.

Both of you CAN turn this around. The question is do you want it? (Don't answer that. Just come back in a month and tell me about what you've done with your new found motivation, so we can tell you what a great job you're doing and help with next steps.)

This is too passive for me, and once again, I wonder if your wife sees the same thing.

It's not that there is anything wrong in posting on the forum - far from it - but this just sounds like "I'm looking for people to tell me what to do".

You KNOW what to do, but so far, you haven't done it. Why, for example, haven't you used the response metre several times a day since you opened this thread on the 31st? Someone (markos?) brought it up with you very soon after you began posting. Why aren't you taking the initiative, and going all out to solve your problems?

^ This.

You know what to do.

The forum isn't for accountability in that sense. The worksheets are. If you can read, you can be accountable.

You can also get someone to be an accountability partner and review your worksheets if you need that.

I still say that knowledge and accountability aren't your problem. You are not sufficiently motivated yet.

Yes I lie to stay out of trouble. For example, When I travel for work, I don't tell her when I stay out and drink too much.

One of our biggest issues is around my past use of internet P. I lied about it for years and finally revealed it to her in 2014 which you may have read in my old thread. There are no more whopper lies like that but I do still lie mostly about things that I consider minor and that's disrespectful to her. It's definitely not radical honesty, I know.

If you are wanting to stay married, I would really suggest that you adopt Dr. Harley's recommendations wholesale.

All lies = "whopper" lies.

If you lie to your wife even ONCE A YEAR, you have made it impossible for her to be in love with you.