You're right, it's not knowledge - it's motivation. I don't know why I'm not motivated since all logic tells me that I should be but I haven't been. . The self deprecating part of me says that I deserve this life.

Are you suggesting to not travel for work? Never spend a night away?

I have a sales job so that may not be possible.

It's great to get away from home every so often, isn't it?

Just walk away from the whole sorry mess of whining, naughty, fractious kids and a frazzled wife, and have a few drinks with people who have nothing to do with the family, just for a night. It's just like being single again, and it saves your sanity, and makes the domestic set-up just a little more bearable when you have to go back.

Way to go, DD.

Surely you are kidding.

You can't have been in the online programme for a whole year, plus posted on this forum for some time, and never heard that critical part of Dr Harley's advice.

You're kidding, aren't you?

I said it because I have heard dr Harley say it. I always thought it was up for negotiation tho. And while I say that I know my wife hates the frequency of my travel so I'm violating the POJA regardless. :-/. That sounds really stupid on my part but the way I've handled it is to tell her that I will travel less with more advanced notice.

I'm lost for words.

Then you have placed your job above your marriage, and your marriage will fail.

If you are wanting to stay married, I would really suggest that you adopt Dr. Harley's recommendations wholesale.

You're going to have to make a radical lifestyle change.

None of this is new. And none of this is negotiable IF you want to stay married.

Some people want to lose weight by exercising. They tell themselves that their regular trip to the grocery store is walking, their regular drop of stairs is sport and that bringing home beer is lifting weights.
Then they wonder why they don't lose any weight, but they do not actually change anything.

You're obviously intelligent. If this were a project, how would you go about it?

You have a choice to make today, DigDeeper.

You can make the choice to buy into the program wholesale:
- No more AOs
- Using the GSR 3 times a day for the foreseeable future
- No more lies. Ever. When you feel like hiding something from your wife, calling her immediately and telling her what you wanted to hide. Even if she blows her stack. In fact, don't lie to anybody. Be in the habit of honesty.
- No more DJs. Ever. Welcome her to tell you when you are disrespectful, and do not argue.
- No more travelling for work without your wife.
- No more vacation trips without her.
- Pursue her relentlessly, even when she turns you down

OR

- Accept that your marriage is over.

I read your post earlier and gave it thought. I choose to buy wholesale.

I was planning to go on a last minute business trip tomorrow but I told them I can't go. My wife is more important to me than a business meeting in California.

I know there's more to do and I'm ready and motivated to change. This has been bad for too long and I'm in control of my choices but I know it will require humility and motivation.

I did the GSR meter last night and this morning when I woke up. Last night it was a 4.25 / 10 and this morning was only a 2.25. I'm waking up like an animal ready to pounce and I'm clearly not relaxed. I will do this 3 times a day like Prisca recommended and use the techniques I have already learned to get my body to relax. It's dumb that I stopped doing this but I will get myself back on track.

You have great points happyheart. I do manage projects at work and I need to treat this in a similar way to my work projects, with a lot more care. I will lay out all the things I need to do (Prisca gave me a start) with timing/deadlines/expectations for each task - most things will probably be daily or several times a day activities for me to do. Then I need to measure the results using the worksheets, etc and validate everything with my W using the POJA. The most important part is actually DOING the work this time and keeping myself motivated. W is already providing external motivation but I need to keep myself internally motivated and committed.

Did I miss anything?

I created a plan with Steve H a couple years ago and in the online program and I never worked the plan fully. Shame on me.

Internal motivation would come from desiring, and being driven by achieving and maintaining a vision of a great marriage. One where we are cared for, fulfilled, have intimacy, and romantic love.

One temptation is to substitute alternate ways of trying to achieve those things. In your case, work and family time. The reason for making those choices may be that they are easier. They look promising but they never quite deliver.

I think part of being "all in" with MB is to understand and accept that no other avenue in life can meet your needs as well, make you as happy, and give you the intimacy that a great marriage does. There's just nothing as good.

The voice of self-deprecation is a liar. In my case, it has been a form of evading action, procrastination, or excusing my behavior. I'd work on losing that voice.

I second Markos' congratulations on cancelling the business trip. And the work with the GSR meter. Those are real, material actions that, with consistency, will turn your marriage around. Nice work.

It's very good to see all this, DigDeeper! Keep these things up daily, and they will become second nature.

This looks good, DD, and I think it is the only hope your marriage has.

I wouldn't spend time shaming yourself, but simply work the plan and refine it to be better and better as you go forward.

Is there any update to your situation?