Hi all, newbie here looking to receive some help along the way as H and I implement the MB program.

Background: I'm 25 and my H is 54. Married 5 months, together for about 2 years before that. No children.

We've had a really rocky start to our marriage as I don't feel physically desired by H. We didn't have sex on our wedding night or honeymoon (because he was too tired, then he caught a cold the day before we went away). After that he never really initiated either and there is quite some distance between us. He tells me he is ready, willing and able any time I ask (which is true) but I tell him I don't want to always have to ask for it. I should add that I moved out of the bedroom and have been sleeping on the couch because of the rejection and resentment. I'm certain this isn't helping us have any intimacy but it was more a response in trying to protect myself from the hurt.

I'm also feeling a lack of love as he doesn't meet all my emotional needs. I began by asking nicely for him to fulfill my needs - primarily affection and conversation - and he made some efforts but not all of his efforts were meaningful to me. I will admit I started doing a lot of love busters like AO and DJ out of frustration which I need to work on. He's finally admitted to me when we did our emotional needs questionnaire last night that he's been in denial about how bad things are and how neglected I feel. The same goes for our physical intimacy - he says that because there is so much tension and we are not having it that he tries to not think about it because it's depressing. I also think because of our age difference he does not have the same drive that I do.

We spend a lot of time together but it's not UA. He will sit on the couch all evening on his iPad while we are watching TV. I try to engage him in conversation but many times he can't even be bothered to look up and make eye contact. I also ask him to join me in activities and he usually complains. It honestly feels like he is a big stick in the mud.

Sometimes it feels that we have so many issues and I wonder why I chose to marry him. I often think of my first love and how dearly I miss him. I reach out to him from time to time and it's sad because we've both admitted that we still love each other. Maybe this is considered an emotional affair? Even when we don't talk I think about him at times. I don't really want to leave my H but I often think my first love would have been a better fit for me.

We would both like to turn this marriage around and could use some helpful tips for beginners. I'm hoping to keep this as a journal to ask questions along the way as well.

Yes, it is an emotional affair.
Your husband has no hope of being able to meet your emotional needs as long as this other man is in your life.
You need to confess this to your husband. Then you need to cut the other man out of your life completely: eliminate all avenues of contact.

Do you work with him? See him at church? Social events? Do you have each others phone numbers? Email? Are you on Facebook or other social media? All of this will need to be changed.

Nothing in your marriage will get better until you have done this.

Will your husband come here and post?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Step one is to tell your husband about what you and your former boyfriend have said to each other, and step two is to write a letter telling the former boyfriend you don't ever want to see or talk to him again.

Dr. Harley has some sample letters you can use as a model, and we can help you with the next steps.

No Contact Letter:
(From SAA, page 58)

OM,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my husband, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that HUSBAND'S NAME did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay HUSBAND'S NAME for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,
YOUR NAME

How did you and your husband meet? Were either of you married before?

Marriage Builders has recommendations and a proven plan that can help you with all of these things (my wife Prisca has been through a lot of it with me), but we have to emphasize that the very first step is to tell your husband about the former boyfriend, and the plan won't work if you skip steps.

My wife Prisca has also been through the experience of starting a relationship with someone else while married to me. She can really help you, here, and I encourage you to listen closely to her recommendations.

I've only talked to him once in the past year after my H and I had a very bad fight on Friday night. We met at Starbucks for coffee and nothing more. I just vented my marriage is bad and I feel stuck. He's encouraged me to work things out with H even though the feelings are there between us. I'm not sure why it's been so hard for me to forget him. Through most of my other relationships I have held a flame in my heart for him.

We don't have each other on social media, no emailing, otherwise never see each other unless I text him. I'll be deleting his number now.

Will you tell your husband?

Tell your husband.

He said he will think about it.



I've just told my husband about the relationship and have showed him this thread. I will write a letter also but does it have to be old fashioned mail letter? Or would some sort of text be okay? That's the only form of communication I have with him.

I've also promised my husband I will never talk to him again and will block his number after sending the letter.

We met through an online dating site. He's been married twice before me and this is my first marriage.

I'd like to add more information about our fight on Friday night.

I've been planning to get the front end of my car repainted because of all the rock chips and imperfections (I am totally a car girl). I got a quote from the bodyshop and we both agreed that the price was too high. My H was asking me to email them back about different options and instead I mentioned that I could just forward him the email and he ask himself. And when he could find a figure that was agreeable then I would book it in. He is more in control of our finances so I thought it would be best he chat with them himself instead of me relaying all the information.

He reacted very badly to this request, which I tried to ask very nicely. He was condescending and acted like I was too lazy to email them myself and why did he have to? We have talked about this in the past as it isn't the first time he has reacted this way when I have asked nicely for him to send an email. He promised before that he would try to be better about it so naturally I was very upset that he was acting this way.

The fight ended up escalating. We both had AOs. He wanted to leave immediately and not try to sit down and talk about our issue which I find neglectful. I was standing at the door just asking him where he planned to go and when he would return. He refused to answer and instead grabbed my arms and swung me around out of the way and kind of forced me up against a wall. This only made things much worse as I had threatened to call the police (all advice I have read about assault said I should call the police - is this considered physical assault?) I also immediately asked him to separate because I was absolutely devastated and can't tolerate that behaviour. I grew up in a violent home and was badly abused during my teen years.

My H doesn't agree with how I handled this outburst because in return I sent an email to his mother (from his phone) stating he had assaulted me as well as post it on Facebook, again on his account. Maybe that wasn't the right thing to do, but I felt it would give me some feeling of safety at the time I guess. Can you give some perspective on this?

We decided against separating for now. I am worried that my strong feelings for my ex will really impact me if we separate. I am afraid that would be the time when I may start moving on with my life..

Also.. I have never had a good relationship with my MIL - she completely ignored my existence the first time we met and is generally just cold, unkind and overbearing. Apparently because of the email I sent she has written me off or doesn't want to see me again. I don't feel as though I will lose sleep because she never liked me no matter what I did anyway. But this does add more strain between H and I - what will happen the next time he wants to go visit her?

My H isn't generally an angry person and I tend to do AOs much more often so I felt this fight was uncharacteristic of him. However, I'm still uncertain how to move on from this specifically.

1. You have no right to physically trap him in the house. He should have called the police on you for trying to force a physical altercation

2. Yes it is assault.


3. You two may need to separate until you can disagree without getting physical.

I didn't intend to trap him when I first stood there. I just wanted to know where he was going or when he'd be back - I thought that was a reasonable question. But yes I realize in hindsight it was a bad move.

Isn't separating risky because of my feelings for my ex boyfriend? That was the first time H was ever physical with me.

Yes, you did intend to trap him or you would NOT have blocked the exit. You became abusive because you decided you had the right to force him to finish a conversation that had become unpleasant.

The questions were reasonable; the steps you took to force him to answer were abusive.

So how do you deal with someone who responds in a negative way to the initial question, causing hurt feelings, then just wants to take off as he pleases? That seems awfully unfair to me.

I realize what I did was wrong but genuinely did not think it would "force" a physical altercation.

Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiations


Anytime the conversation becomes unpleasant, stop and do something else.

You may think it is unfair for him to not finish the conversation right then but you are actually making a selfish demand.

Selfish Demands