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Joined: Jun 2008
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Whether he gets a job to move here or I get a job to move there, we're still in the same dilemma, we need the job in order to move. Our house is here and we want to retire here so it makes more sense for him to move here, plus he needs away from the influences where he's been, so it makes more sense for him to do the moving, but yes, I have considered it. Right now houses aren't selling, there aren't many jobs available, and our expenses are prohibitive to our living on one of our incomes. We did remortgage the house to lower our monthly outlay so he could afford to take a lower paying job, making it easier for him to find a new one, but we haven't been very far into this...he's applying like crazy, just, so far, no one's bit. The last time I looked for a job it took me 5 1/2 months to land one that would pay enough to cover my commuting costs and mortgage payment, etc.
We get more than 15 hours/week in now that he's coming home every weekend, plus we talk on the phone in the morning and again in the evening, and often short ones throughout the day. I feel we are bonding, but this whole thing has been really hard, very exhausting on both of us.
Yes, I've read Dr. Harley's books as well as the info. he has on line, it has been very helpful...it was all a little overwhelming at first. I've also been reading other people's threads and gleaning the advise they were given. I just had this thread moved over as no one was responding where it was at.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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So far it sounds like its a good start.

The only thing that irritates me is the distance and time of the week you two are apart. That alone is probally making it hard to "trust" him. Being that the OW is in the same city he works at etc... I would strongly weight the pros and cons..

If both of you work away from the original home Then cant you rent the house out till you both are ready to retire? And in the mean time rent an apartment or something of that nature closer to jobs?

Does your WH have all the places he sent his resume to? I ask because if you change the phone number he can always contact the employeers and give them the new one plus to check the stats of his applications.

As your WH pulls out of the fog hes going to feel alot of emotions. But taking a stand and being by him will mean alot to him in the end. Besides of what your posts are saying what else have you two done TOGETHER to work on the M?


Married 1996
4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7
FWW 30's
FWH 30's
My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me

My story
New beginings
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We can't rent our house out because it goes against our mortgage agreement. We can't either one move without getting a job first. I know he's not with the OW because he gave up his trailer so she couldn't find him and because he is furious with her...our situation is a little unique in that she was trying to scam him...she stole his car keys, went through his papers in his car to steal our identity information, and she also belittled him to others she knew. The last time they saw each other was a pretty angry episode. She also tried intimidation by telling him she was moving to my town, and that infuriated him, as if she was implying a threat to me...that only made him want to protect me and had the opposite affect that she might have hoped for. I feel he is finally out of the fog and returning to the person I knew...we only had one fight in the last two weeks and that one was largely just due to his depression/stress/guilt speaking, and was 9 days ago. We had a great time together this weekend. We spend our entire weekend together, with undivided attention, plus we've been talking on the phone more frequently inbetween visits. As he expends the effort to try and get a job here, it makes me feel he is more invested in "us" and does much to improve our relationship. Trust will remain an issue for some time I'm sure, but I also realize that one can cheat whether they live in the same house or not if they really want to. I have read How to Survive an Affair, as well as the topics on this website, and am currently reading His Needs, Her Needs. My husband has a brain injury that prohibits his being able to read for himself but I have been going over things with him with discussion between us. I am amazed that we have come as far as we have in this period of time, yet I also realize that there are other "stages" that will undoubtedly follow and that our work is just begun. Being able to see what others have gone through helps me tremendously in knowing what to expect and also in how to proceed. This is a wonderful website!


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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I feel my husband is returning to the person I knew, fell in love with, and married. However, for some reason, I had a really hard time this weekend, just triggers/memories of a few months ago, and it kept hitting me, all the things he said/did, how unfair it all was. I don't know why it's hitting me harder now, it's almost as if the first couple of months I was so vested in trying to save our marriage, and now that things are getting better, I feel angry and am hurting so much, I don't know what to do with my emotions. He's finally being more understanding and caring, so why am I going through this now? Has anyone else experienced this? I wish I knew how to survive point A to point B, the road inbetween is just so painful.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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Triggers are not un common at all. When you have one approach DH and tell him hey Im feeling kinda uncomfy at when I get these moments can u take the time to talk to me. TRY not to let them out on DH as much as you MIGHT feel you have too.

I am glad to hear things are better. I was thinking about you the other day and meant to ask how u are doing. Keep up the work!


Married 1996
4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7
FWW 30's
FWH 30's
My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me

My story
New beginings
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Thanks...it just makes me realize we aren't going to get through this in any hurry. I sense his frustration as well...I'm not sure he can fully understand what I'm going through, I know he'd like to have all this behind us, hey, so would I but it doesn't look like that's happening any time soon. I don't want the triggers to spoil what we have right now, currently, today...sometimes I just don't know how to handle them. Pain is pain! This week has been tough. Sometimes I'm not sure we're going to make it, is that uncommon to feel? I am trying, I know he's trying, but it's so hard! I guess I just have to give it time and see...one day at a time. I love him but now I'm beginning to wonder why, if there's something wrong with me. My girlfriend thinks I'm crazy, that I should have kicked him to the curb. When I tell her that 1/2 all marriages have an infidelity at some point, and more than half of all those marriages are saved, she has a hard time believing it (she's pretty black and white). I try to understand what went on but it's so hard to when I've honestly tried my very best to be a wonderful wife. I have had to accept that I may never understand, and just try to make enough changes that it hopefully won't repeat itself.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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I never got much response here, but I learned a lot from other's threads, advice is pretty much the same throughout. I guess I'm punished for trying to save my marriage. I got taken for over $50,000 and got cheated on again, my heart broke, and faulted for trying. He stopped coming home, quit his job, took money out of the bank and stuck me with all the bills...he went into hiding. I separated bank accounts, filed a missing person's report, hired a lawyer. A policewoman called and told me they found him living with an OW in our motorhome (I never even got to spend a night in it, I just got to pay for it). I filed for divorce and gave him the motorhome and car I'd paid for in exchange for him coming down and signing the divorce papers. I just wanted it over with, some resolution. I've never seen anyone so callous in all my life! I am alone now but life is more peaceful...I got a giant puppy dog, think I'm better off. Still trying to heal inside and get over my heartbreak. It was a hard year, it's got to get better! I learned a lot, don't think I can ever trust anyone fully again.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
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I'm sorry for what you have gone through. This is a quote I sent someone today and thought maybe you could use it.

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation." Brian Tracy

GG


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
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So sorry to hear the latest. I wish someone here had advised you to protect your finances. That is what I always say.

My WH did the same thing - took me to the cleaner.

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We lived apart during the week because of his job, and then he went into business (and back out), which riddled him with debt. When he had his affair, I thought if we had any chance to survive, he needed to live with me, so I refinanced my house to pay off his debts so he could take a lesser paying job and move to be with me. Only that's not what happened. I suspect he got into drugs, and he incurred more debt, started a new affair, quit his job, took $ out of the bank, and stuck me with all the bills. It's all over now except for me paying over $50,000 worth of debt off that wasn't mine. Live and learn as they say!
I like the quote, GG, I'll be okay...I'm not sure he ever will. How can someone without a conscience ever be okay? I am actually sorry for him because I know there is something very wrong with him, but I'll be okay...broke, but okay.


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((((((vows4good)))))))

I'm so sorry to read your story. You've been through so much. He sounds like a dreadful and troubled man who was never worthy of your love. Don't let this awful man tarnish your view of people though. There are many many good people out there, more good than bad I would say.

You'll be less trusting in the future but that may not be too bad a thing if it means you protect yourself.

Take care. x


Me - BW
FWH - BB -(PA Jul 08 - Aug 08)
D-Day - 8 Aug 2008
Recovering nicely


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Postscript:
Many years later, the gal he was having an affair with traveled around with him for two years (he's a truck driver), gained 80 lbs and died of liver failure. (I actually felt sorry for her, he wasn't a good selection.) He didn't bother to pick up her ashes, neither did her family.
He got throat cancer, lost a lot of weight and looks old. He's still alive but hasn't changed or learned a thing. He's picked up another sucker that took him in. I'm sorry for her too.
I don't even date, I live alone with my dog and cat and enjoy my grandchild and have two more on the way.


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Dear KC,

Although I didn't post, I remember your story from many years ago.
Glad you are doing well.
You deserve to be happy with your family.
Don't be too hard on yourself. As an honest loving person, it is entirely possible to fall for someone pretending to be a real human.

Make sure that you fill the rest of your life with love and things that make you and those around you happy!


me, DH
all the children
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