about 3 months after Dday WH magnanimously handed me three foil packs of generic viagra (each containing 10 pills=20 doses). It appeared he was giving me "control." I gave him one back and hid the other two. He put the one I gave him into the medicine cabinet. We've used 3 1/2 pills since then (November). A month ago I noticed there was an EXTRA 1/2 pill on top of the pack, indicating there were more than he led me to believe. I found another stash (3 packs with 9 full pills used and two different ED meds with 6 pills used). When I confronted him, he said he was just "testing" them out and eventually admitted there were 10 foilpacks. I haven't found the other 4 foilpacks. This will sound naive, but is Viagra something men would use to masturbate? I'm very skeptical, but want to give the benefit of the doubt. BTW, he's insisted he had no ED problems with OW. Please forgive the jumbled explanation.

Welcome to MB.

How long ago was his affair? Was it exposed? How long have you been married? Who was the OW?

Do you have spyware put on his devices?

You should be very skeptical because he is still keeping things from you.

Could you give us some more information about your situation?

We've been married 21 yrs. OW is a married secretary at an elementary school. WH is the network manager for the district. Not exposed yet.

So you never exposed to the BH of the OW? So he's still in the dark about his wife's affair? Why not?

So they are linked through work, and he is in a superior position to her?

You need to get him to leave that job immediately. As well as it being easy for their affair to continue, he is at risk of a sexual harassment lawsuit. This was an abuse of power. I'll bet he's done this before, too.

Welcome to MB.

Your WH's viagra use should not be your focus right now.

When did you discover the affair? How did you find out about it? How long did the affair go on?

"DDay #1 3/7/06
DDay #2 8/5/16"

There were two D Days, 10 years apart?

You're with a serial cheater, and you are in serious trouble.

Tell us about these affairs - or were both D Days with the same woman?

He's not in a position of power over her. Her boss is the principal. He manages the network.

His first OW was also a secretary. She passed away a few years ago of cancer. We moved away from our state to get away from her. I held onto resentment for several years, but also earned my bachelor's and master's degree during the interim between his affairs.

This one started about a year ago, I found out in August. I'm kind of ambivalent about it. Not sure where I want to go from here. I've heard through the grapevine OW husband may be a drug dealer. My husband now refers to her as "White trash, an idiot, and having about 2 brain cells." He can't stand "stupid people."

Did you expose the affair? I don't think I have ever seen a betrayed spouse say they were "I'm kind of ambivalent about it."

Is there a reason why you would choose to live like this?

Congratulations on the degrees, but I'm not sure what the connection is between them and your husband's affairs.

Ad the relevance of that is...?

Is that supposed to show that he is incapable of having anything more to do with her?

Her supposed lack of brain cells didn't stop him having sex with her in the first place, did it, so why is it relevant now?

You have a serial cheat husband who in all probability has been on the look out for a bit on the side for some time.

Will you be exposing the affair? The OWBH deserves to know.

That doesn't make anything clearer to me. If he manages the network, isn't he in a superior position to her?

Even if he isn't, he had a workplace affair. That makes him a liability to the company as well as to your marriage.

Are you saying you're not sure you want to restore the marriage?

You shouldn't even try to restore it uses your husband shows extraordinary signs of fighting for your marriage. If he isn't prepared to give up that job today, and never again work in an environment where he could have an affair, you should call it a day right now. I'm sorry to say that you have more of this in your future unless you and your husband make radical lifestyle changes.

How did he conduct each affair? Where did he take these women for sex? Did he do it when he supposed to be at work, or does he have an independent life where he can go out in the evenings?

If he still comes into contact with that woman because they are both still in the same job, you should know that the affair is continuing.

My apologies for such a delayed response. Not much time and what I had WH was hovering.

Ambivalence, yes I feel ambivalent about whether I want to jump through hoops to save our marriage. I'm tired and waiver. Some days I'm tempted to text OW and tell her he's all hers. I've even suggested it to WH as they may seem to have better character match. Other times, I think of all that I've invested in our family. Our children are stable and do exemplary in school (son graduated Salutatorian 2 yrs ago). WH does challenge the kids intellectually (he literally has genius IQ); I'm smart, but he knows complex stuff like the back of his hand. Our house is peaceful and calm. This leads to why I haven't exposed the affair.

Since I'm not sure whether it's going to work, I'm hesitant to start a war with the possibility of going through divorce. If we divorce, I'd like it to be on mutual terms...I don't think that would happen if he felt I was attacking him (by exposing). Whether we stay together or split, I want as peaceful environment as possible; I don't want us thrown into chaos or crisis. We started marriage counseling a few weeks ago with the goals of eliminating deception, affair proofing the marriage, or help us and the kids navigate a divorce. WH appears to be more committed (at least verbally) to saving the marriage and rates it higher than I do. The counselor is good (I'm also a licensed counselor) and will hold both of us accountable. Coming to Marriage Builders was an attempt to shake the ambivalence or figure out if it's worth it.

Thank you for your time and support.

Did you have a question about Marriage Builders?

If you are ok with your husband having a mistress now and then, as long as nobody makes a fuss at home, this is probably not the place to get support with that.

However, chances are your husband may eventually find a mistress who is worth leaving you for and that will be the end of your comfortable lifestyle.
Do you really think that your children would want you to put up with this kind of behaviour of their father, while playing happy home and wholesome family?

You're right happyheart. This is not the place for me.