Ive been married 7 years. My husband did 2 things in the last day that makes me wonder how to stop him without making demands on him. Examples from past 24 hours.
1 - Last night I put our dd to bed and asked him to give a cup of milk to dd. After she drank half of it, she gave the cup to him and he put it on the dinning table. And it stayed there all night and had to be thrown out in the morning. When asked if he could have put it in the refrigerator, which is less than 5 steps away, he got into an angry outburts. This is when we are trying to make ends meet and putting some of our needs on my credit card.

2 - He is home this month from working for his mother as she is she traveling. Ive always needed help at home and with our daughter as I'm currently staying home. The dish soap in the kitchen was empty. Why would anybody fill 1/5th of the bottle and leave it at that instead of taking another 5 seconds to fill he entire bottle?

It feels im going to go crazy if i continue analyzing. But what should be my next step to stop this independent behavior without demanding change?

Thanks

swear, there are a couple of issues here, but I will first tell you that this is not a conflict resolution forum. We teach people the skills to resolve these problems on their own using the rules of Marriage Builders. Are you using the whole program?

To address your specific questions, I don't see any evidence of "independent behavior" here. A good example of IB would be if he went to the car dealership and bought a car without getting your input. Or going bowling every Friday night without you.

Your issues are complaints that should be addressed with respect and thoughtfulness. You can't demand that he fill the soap dish or put up the milk. You can ask thoughtfully if he wouldn't mind putting away the milk, etc. Some of the comments you made here about each issue were very disrespectful and I wonder if you said it to him that way?



That being said, his angry outbursts are a deal breaker. You can't negotiate with anyone who has angry outbursts so that is the first thing that must be addressed and resolved.

ML I dont feel I said it disrespectfully. But wonder how I could have said it better.
I'll have to continue watching the outburts as he had denied to get anger management help earlier.

There's also this:

"DD Aug2014. Still trying to stop independent behaviour."

I think you have much bigger issues to deal with than his not putting the milk away. Could you please tell us about the affair? Who had it? How long did it last? How did it end?

SC There was no affair that I was able to uncover.

What exactly did you say to him?

Have you read this?
What to do with an Angry Husband

I asked if he could have put the milk in the refrigerator instead of leaving on the table, as the refrigerator was not too far.
Then when I noticed the dish soap bottle, I asked him why he would fill so little in it.

So you didn't say this to him?

"Why would anybody fill 1/5th of the bottle and leave it at that instead of taking another 5 seconds to fill he entire bottle?"


Quote:
"When asked if he could have put it in the refrigerator, which is less than 5 steps away"

The incidents you mention are not independent behavior. They are annoying habits. You need to address them as such. The way out of annoying habits is to replace them with good habits. That takes time and practice, and you will have little success changing these habits with selfish demands.

ML I did wonder and did ask why someone would fill it 1/5th. I was really wondering.

So why is "DD' in your signature?

This could be important, and I'm trying to help you here. If there has been some involvement with someone outside the marriage, it cannot be brushed aside.

It was a rhetorical question that was designed to put him down. You won't get too far putting him down.

"How would you feel about putting the milk away when our daughter is done with it? It would mean a lot to me."

"It would mean a lot to me if you would fill the dish soap all the way to the top."

What you are wanting is for your husband to do something rather than to [b]stop doing[/quote] something.

You want him to put up the milk. This is doing something.
You want him to fill the soap bottle to the top. This is doing something.

And, since he isn't doing what you want, you are making disrespectful judgements about him to try to get him to do these things. Which isn't going to work. It's not going to get you what you want.

He doesn't have to do those things. There's not something wrong with him because he doesn't do them. Your perspective on the milk and the dish soap is not superior to his.

If you are wanting him to do these things for you, then you will need to ask him to do them, respectfully. And accept a "no" if he doesn't want to do them.

How often does your husband have angry outbursts? Is he willing to do something about those?

I realise now that it means the date your daughter was born.

Good points for me to think about to start with. He doesnt do those things and after cleaning up after him every day I feel resentment.
Its as if I signed up for staying home so I clean all mess or incomplete things he leaves behind. Yesterday it was milk on table, then dish soap. Today it is using a microwave and leaving a mess for me to clean. And staying on him phone while he claims to take care of out toddler while he is home.

Thanks for trying to help.

SG If he had an outside involvement its was apparent from my research. I have a daughter born 2014.

I mean it wasnt apparent. Requesting to do things a certain way or not do something isn't helping. I'll have to continue extra care when making a comment.