Things have been going well for H and I the past couple of weeks. Tonight we were talking about one of H's secretaries who is leaving because another firm offered her more $. I asked if that was good or bad - he said "no one is indispensible". I asked then why did you say (ow) was indispensible? He said "I didn't say that". Then he cut me off and said "we shouldn't be talking about this" (our child was in the room). I left the room and then he left the house tires screeching down the driveway. <BR>Everything is so "peachy" until there is any topic remotely related to the ow - she still works for him and won't leave. Months ago he said he did not want her to leave his office - that she was an asset to his business. That has always felt to me like the financial health of his business is more important than me - if no one is indispensible then she can be replaced and the business will survive. I guess it hurts so much more because she and I are in the same profession but I gave up my career a couple of years ago to concentrate on taking care of my family - that is when H began to view me as a less powerful woman and began to compare me with her - she is almost 20 years younger, much more attractive and has quickly advanced in her career because H spent all his time grooming her. (and much more) I always eventually come back to this place of despair and destroy everything I have been working so hard on and want so much. I just keep hoping he will someday say something negative about her; will want her out of our lives as I do; will see that a woman who quite willingly invaded our marriage is not a woman by any definition; will see that she was not a "friend" that he lost; will view her as a common enemy of us. I guess my hopes are totally unrealistic and that I have to choose to allow my self esteem to be slowly eroded away to nothing if I want to stay married.<BR>Earlier today I posted as a success. Tonight I feel as if we are doomed to fail because the rage I feel about her is always just below the surface and comes rushing out without any warning. I've driven him away again. One day, maybe its today, maybe its the next time I show my feelings, he won't come back. This is such a f***ed up way to live.<BR> Simone

Hi Simone -<P>I'm sorry that you feel so bad....UGH!<P>You haven't gotten through your feelings about all that has happened and is happening.....until you do and with H, things like this will keep raising it's ugly head.<P>How exactly are you and H approaching your rebuilding? Are you fixing any problems and applying any new communication techniques or relationship tools? <P>If you have covered my questions somewhere..just point me towards it..no need to retype!<P>HUGS and Prayers,<P>Sheba

Simone,<BR>I couldn't function well with OW being your H's employee.<P>Would there be a chance of a sexual harassment suit if he fired her?<P>About your H putting his business ahead of you...could it be that his business is how H defines himself and if he excels at it, it is his way of being a good H and father because he is a good provider. Now I'm saying this in the context of his mind only. So when you question his devotion to his business or his business decisions, he sees that as disrespect for him as a person, since the two (H and business) are so entwined. <P>Now since you changed roles, but still have the business sense you have, you probibly feel validated if/when your H applauds your opinions or ideas...and you feel insulted when H brushes you off.<P>You may feel like you compete with the business and since your H senses the competition, it may be not so much that puts the business ahead of you in his heart, but he is so protective of the business because it is so much a part of him that he feels threatened or disrespected when challenged in anyway.<P>You would never see this, but if someone was speaking ill of you, I bet your H would correct them. In that context, you would be the relational extention of himself and he would be just as protective of you.<P>Would your H claim you are more important than his business? You might answer yes, but his actions speak otherwise. It may be he just thinks you are mistaken, and since the business is tangible and relationships are emotional, he just fails to "show" you are important in the ways you would like because you may need him to pay less attention to the business and since in his mind his business and you are so seperate and noncompetitive (in fact the business is how he is a good H), it just doesn't work out.<P>Now that I said all that, I do believe it is cruel to keep that woman there if there is another choice. Could there be any other motive (other than the hurtful one that he wants her there)? I mean, do you think she could do damage or cause embarassment on the outside? Could there be a lawsuit? Could your H feel it is so "unfair" to her, since it is over for him, that she should lose her job? (In his mind he would then have to see you as unreasonable for wanting her gone.)<P>Sometimes when you understand the dynamics, or possible dynamics of the situation, you can get more creative with solutions.<P>And I know about that layer of anger (in me it is more hurt or plain old pain). It is kind of like the jet stream that moves around. Sometimes I hardly notice it, but sometimes it raises and I get caught in a "wind" storm.<P>I hope that woman evaporates.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Sheba - You are correct that I haven't "gotten over it" and the ow is still the proverbial elephant in our marriage.<BR>You asked how we are approaching rebuilding-<BR>Actually, we now communicate much better than ever (except when it comes to ow issues) and have been in weekly joint counseling since February. We are also both in individual therapy - H 3 times a week and me twice a week. (you should see the bills!) I try to save all ow issues for therapy - but sometimes I lose control.<BR>BTW - today is our anniversary and we are looking forward to our night out. Needless to say my mood improves immensely when he is with me and not at the office!<P>Faith, Hope, Love - No, he can't fire her. I've been told she is a model employee and highly valued by H and his partners. Getting rid of her would invite a lawsuit - and she is a lawyer.<BR>You are right that when I question his business decisions, he sees that as a personal attack. Also, his affair and the turmoil it caused has had a major impact on his business inthe sense he lost respect of his peers and partners. Also, to rearrange things so ow doesn't deal with him on a daily basis (though still does somewhat) H gave up some of his power and increased hers by giving her many of his clients,etc. While I appreciate his efforts to avoid her, it enrages me that we have suffered financially and will continue to because of all that has occurred. <BR>You are also right that H thinks it would be unfair to ow for her to suffer any consequence (I totally disagree with that one) and he does think its unreasonable, or at least unrealistic, that I want her to vanish. However, last week he said he understands my desire to confront her and now doesn't care if I do.....I'm not sure what I am going to do but still believe I will continue to feel like a powerless victim unless I speak to her.<BR> <BR> Simone<p>[This message has been edited by Simone (edited November 13, 1999).]