Can someones love bank ever be closed for business? I know right now I am stuck in my need for immediate gratification...But is it possible that you can try and deposit love units constantly but they never get deposited?

Thanks

I have been working really hard on myself and my patience. Today has so far been another good day....I think the affair may be catching up with WW.. she may run out of energy for it...She is very tired from leaving here at 9/10 PM and being back at 8Am for the kids. I have a few questions thought

1) I have been sending her love notes and texts...Because it is easier that way right now...And the back and forth can be fun...She hasn't rejected them...But I not really "participating"...When is is too much?

2) Maybe a little personal...But I gave her a hug...Which she lets me do...And got a little butt grab in...She was kinda OK with it...Lol...And then kinds stuck her butt out...Lol...Is it OK to try and make moves on her right now or should I back off? Our sex lives have always been good...But non existence since DDay seven days ago.

3). Can I use her fatigue as an excuse to try and get her to stay the night here? Or let her make her choices and not even mention it?

Thanks so much.

Real questions...Really want the help. Read articles...Downloaded radio app. I am very serious and looking for advice.

I think maybe i started this thread in the wrong way. I started from a place of anger and harsh judgement. Even though i knew better. I just wanted to hurt her back. It just came out...and 100% honesty may not have been there from the start.

I want everyone to know I AM 100% dedicated to this. I have been reading, reading. Exposure was completed and done properly. SHe is suffering those consequences almost daily as a result in our community. It is why it was hard for me but i did it.

She is not angry about that anymore, or as much. She knows this site too. She know what I needed to do.

Today my WW;s OM' XGF sent some texts and outted the OM for still contacting her. He is still texting her and complaining the mistake he made since WW spends most of her time here for the children....so she is ONLY with OM from about 10//11PM till 7AM or so. SO they spend most of their time asleep...and I think it is wearing on him and making him regret HIS decisions. Cant lie...I wished internally it would end it. I don;t think it will yet...she sees this pragmatically somehow...that even though her relationship with him is only surface...it still makes her feel good when she is in it.

I sent a request for Dr Hartley's coaching. I am fighting nothing. My marriage has no pricetag. This is the love of my life and i will do anything to save it right this time.

So answers and your words will go a long way to helping me. I truly am all in.

The answer is still plan A. It doesn't work overnight. If this is salvageable, it is a marathon and not a sprint.

The thing that I am most concerned about, is your history. You had an affair, she has had an affair in the past and now again.

Try to meet her needs (and not your own, like SF if she isn't into it). Her lovebank is closed to you as long as the affair is active, so you will not be able to deposit much. Some of it might trickle through.

Keep yourself together, no angry outbursts, no arguments. Can you do that? Or do you need help from a doctor? Exercise, walk, keep yourself occupied.
No relationship talk. Just broken record, if she complains it is hard "yes, your affair is hard on me too, do you want coffee?"
Since she knows the program, she knows your plan. That might be a disadvantage.

Thank you...yes...I am getting very good at avoiding angry outbursts. I have avoided LB's for at least three days now. And we have gotten along fine. Our history concerns me too. But I believe i know the reasons and my role in it as well as hers. We came here for recovery...but never came back to keep it that way. Laziness, and even if plan A works...I will not commit without a final committment to this.

1) I have been sending her love notes and texts...Because it is easier that way right now...And the back and forth can be fun...She hasn't rejected them...But I not really "participating"...When is is too much?

2) Maybe a little personal...But I gave her a hug...Which she lets me do...And got a little butt grab in...She was kinda OK with it...Lol...And then kinds stuck her butt out...Lol...Is it OK to try and make moves on her right now or should I back off? Our sex lives have always been good...But non existence since DDay seven days ago.

3). Can I use her fatigue as an excuse to try and get her to stay the night here? Or let her make her choices and not even mention it?

I actually have now noted you may have answered some of that...sorry..sometimes a thick headed man. :-)

My wife may be stuck here tonite due to snow....I am actually in a PANIC...I don't know what to do with that.

Nope she's leaving...Not before telling me I am smothering and stalking and she doesn't want anything from me.

Yeah...Have to adjust...I am trying to find the happy medium between being the man she wants and too much.

Anyone have any suggestions to find that balance?

Have you written Dr. Harley?

Have you been listening to MB Radio? I'm not familiar with your thread, but one thing Dr.H mentioned the other day to a husband in plan A was about approach-avoidance conflict. Paraphrased: When she's far from you she might miss you but once closer, the annoyances stand out. So, in my words, Plan A requires emotional grit and the patience of Job.

I put in a request for coaching...Should I write him separately?

I just started yesterday. Thanks

I am sorry...I am looking...how do I do this directly?

So I sat the wife down to go to to tell her i was thinking about plan B. I wanted it to end in kindness. Now it won't...I fear she will hate me. Things got said. I probably made a huge mistake.

I tried plan A for a week. I know that probably isn't long enough. But it is tearing me apart. How can I continue to Plan A if the resentment is building up in me so hard an so fast that I can;t handle it? According to Dr Hartley's words I cannot. I have been nothing but kind to her...but I am weak. I can;t help but feel like a sucker...because the only time she cries over any of this is when she feels she may lose money, or time with her kids. It makes me feel like a paycheck and she gets to go do what she wants. Which is EXACTLY what plan A is doing....but it is killing me.

I sat her down and talked about legal separation. She wanted to know what that would look like. I told her as far as the kids go, no changes...I want her to have full and ample access to the kids. I do not want to hurt her. I did tell her that since she is now living with OM...and they rented a car together...I can prove domestic support and there will be no alimony. I did not do this as a threat. I just do not want it to get ugly later and want her to know what to expect. And I am trying to live by radical honesty.

So even though i sat her down, to let her know I was thinking about plan B because it hurts too much...now she hates me. She thinks I am a [censored] who is just out to hurt her. And I am only considering this because i feel hopeless with our history.

What do I do?

Am I completely off base here?

I want to fix this...but do I get to protect MY heart?

Jimbo,

you are all over the place and not thinking clearly right now whoch is understandable. Don't talk about your relationship or of divorce/separation if you want to save the marriage.

You have every right to call it quits, buttalking eith her about separation is not going to do the love bank any good.
Come here to reflect on your strategy and think such things over at least for a few days before you have such a conversation again. Threatening plan B to motivqte the spouse is not MB

I now understand that....Now she thinks I am vindictive and just want to punish her. And I see her point. She told me if I wasn't all over the place...She would have ended her A already. Then she said that what I said ruined any chance of hope ever...And told me file for the divorce...She needs to get remarried...Even if it to an [censored] that lies to her...At least he won't ruin her life.

Boy I screwed up....What do I do now? Thinks come out of my face...And I am not doing plan A well...And she may be spending more time away now that I did this anyway.

This sucks...It's hard. I just get caught in the moment and don't have time to think...And I respond without thinking 10 moves down the chess board. I am hurt and responding out of hurt.

Plan A is not about you. It is not about being subservient to a wayward spouse. It is about saving your children's family in the long term. They may thank you one day for staying strong.

And even if you would not want to reconcile, you would not want OM to parent your children, would you? That is what you are fighting for. Not for your right now personal gratification, but for what you will wish you would have done 10 years from now. So that you will hold your head up high and say to yourself you fought for what is right.

Sometimes all you want to do...easier said then done.

True...I have to have more patience with the forum...I come here for help..and sometimes it is not as forthcoming as I had hoped (i know, a bit selfish...but i am freaking out admittedly). I am going to try a session with Dr. Hartley...and I would like to write him a letter but have not figured out how.