And you may have to get some short term anti-anxiety medication from your doctor if you are not in control of yourself. (Not more then ~2 weeks).

It can sometimes take a while for someone to answer becaus people posting here have regular lives, careers and families that have to be managed. Also many posters are in different time zones.

But it does concern me that you seem very unsteady in sticking with the plan, because you are following your feelings, that are not to be trusted right now.

If you where in an airplane, would you rather have the pilot follow his feelings, or the compasses and instruments in the cockpit?

Thank you. I AM all over the place. It is plus 8 days....I am temporarily taking Xanax to calm me.

Thank you for the pilot metaphor. That does help. I am trying. Sometimes my emotions slip out...And right now...Because her love bank is closed tonl me...I have no leeway. Right now...She is in a place where she does not trust me...And I put her there.

What do I do now?

How do i desensitize myself to the A so it does not get such a reaction out of me?

You should see your doctor about getting the xanax dosage adjusted, or to try another medication. It's not working. You are not calm. And to do a proper Plan A, you MUST remain calm.

Never, EVER threaten Plan B or divorce. When you do that, you have basically set off a nuclear bomb in the middle of her lovebank, and she will hate you even more. Women need security, and a husband threatening divorce to get his own way destroys all security. It will set you back to square one.

Understand....Thank you. Sqaure one is OK this time...As long as I can learn from it and try and avoid it. I really do love her and do not intend to hurt her. I will seek the advice of my physician to help.

See your doctor and get different meds! What you are on is not working.

Jimbo,

You may write to Dr Harley and Joyce at this email address to get advice --->
mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

If you are struggling to keep things in order I'd suggest you go the extra mile and get a counseling session with their son Steve Harley here --->
Coaching Center

I am willing. Thank you.

I want to make a post just so people understand me a little.

When I was three...my parents went through a BITTER divorce. Up until I was 6...it was a constant tug of war with us kids. Their was violence. My step dad used to pull guns on my mom...used to smack her and us around. Used to put us in the basement with a circle on the wall in chalk. If we got any on our nose, we got a beating...and we would have to stand there for up to 4 hours.

WHen I was 6. My dad got custody. I did not see my mom for another 30 years again. My dad always seemed like a reluctant parent. He was an angry man...dyed in the wool military. Very strict. It got so bad...when I was 8 and my sister was 14, she left. Never came home....and most of us still have very little contact with her...at her decision.

I have had 2 marriages before. The second divorce, I lost a stepchild i cared deeply for.

The third major relationship...we had 2 kids...but i was marriage shy. She was very abusive and a serial cheater. Broke my hand. WHen i finally made her leave...she left with my children. I was broken. She used the children as pawns...she made them hate me. She did everything in her power to abuse me when they were around and when i called. Eventually I gave up. And their stepfather adopted them. I let it happen. I justified it as "it was better for the children not to suffer through this anymore".

When my current WW and i had been together 3 years. We lost a son. Noah Riley. He died two weeks before he was due and he had to be induced. We watched him be born lifeless, and held him and said goodbye. I was broken again. How hard this was on us. I think we only thought we made it through it...because history is prologue.

I told myself....I will never lose again. I think all this reaction out of me is coming from a place of utter fear. It is a reaction to all I have allowed to happen in my past. I want to trust her with my heart, but even if she never takes it from me again, I want to trust her with our separation. I have been played the fool before in my effort to keep the peace while behind my back a lot was happening to take my children away....even being put in arrears a year in child support becasue i did not take legal steps to protect myself.

Now I am in a position again.

I want so bad to save my marriage...to TRULY save it this time. But my inner sucker keeps speaking in my ear....if you don;t do something...she will....and it scares the living crap out of me.

Please don;t take this as a woe is me....it is not meant to be. It is meant to understand the utter fear i have of losing again. And how that sometimes controls my reactions subconsciously.

I am trying to get a handle on it. I am seeking help. I have signed up for coaching, i will write the letter.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Will you see your doctor? Your meds aren't working.

Yes...I am.

Xanax can cause paradoxal reactions sometimes, where you get more agitated rather than relaxed and you can't combine it with alcohol.
Just talk with the doctor about your situation so that (s)he can work out a good solution with you, to get you through the first blows of this crisis.

On the other hand, you have survived until now, notwithstanding breakup pain in the past. You have learned and will sensibly consult with your lawyer how to protect yourself, while at the same time working on saving your marriage.

Importantly, you do NOT want to save your marriage at all cost.
You are prepared to build a wonderful marriage with your wife, one that is much much better than before. But you will not settle for anything less than a wonderful MB marriage. You will not be married at al cost and it doesn't make sense to do so because it wouldn't last.

Thank you for that...I want to save it despite expenses to do so :-)

OMG so.much sense...I am sabotaging myself with a depressant...I usually take it for anxiety...And conflated my feelings...Wow.

Did you make an appointment with your doctor?

Office was closed yesterday...yes I am calling this morning.

So in all my reading....this is the realization i have finally come to. I am getting control of my emotions and have stopped the Xanax...giving my all to my work, house, and children, and what I need to do.

SO here goes.

I have to let her go. She is not open to me right now. My course right now is to let her go and be the best me I can be. I have to let her go to try and become the best her she can be.

Once we have become the best individuals we can be...if the world is one in which we are supposed to be together. Then we will fall in love with the better selves. If not, we will be our better selves and in a much better position to end on good terms.

Do I have this about right? Because this is how i intend to now move forward.

Thanks

OMG...Just met the boyfriend...Coming here to breathe. Can't react.

How do people do this? Lol

HOW in the world did that happened? Was it on purpose or accidental? Surely she didn't bring him around?