You are correct, it is important to be very thoughtful when you ask. AND to keep in mind that he has the option to say no. If he says no, you have to be respectful.

I dont want to be stuck cleaning up after an adult person's mess. What is he next step?

That is a problem that can be solved.

But, first, the angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, and demands must be eliminated. It is impossible to solve any problems until this step is completed.

How often does he have angry outbursts? Is he willing to do anything about those?

Are you willing to learn how stop making demands and disrespectful judgements?

Remember, there is no "one" perfect way to do things. One of the BIG mistakes I made in my first marriage that I have successfully avoided in my current one is to recognize when someone is trying to help out and, just because the don't do it the exact way I'd like, doesn't mean they are doing their best or trying to make my life more difficult. For example, I would have gotten ALL over my XH if he folded the towels wrong. Now, I'm grateful that my DH lessened my load even a little bit by washing the towels and folding them his way. Yes, I often go in the linen closet after him and refold the towels when he's not looking but I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH to hurt his feelings by making selfish demands that he do things "my" way. Care and protection...ask yourself, do you want to be right or do you want to be married? Care and protection...do you love your husband enough that you would never want to be the cause of his unhappiness? My husband (who was also married before) and I often talk about how easy it is to be married to each other - not because we do everything perfectly and exactly the way the other wants us to but because we've learned to pick our battles, we've learned what - in the grand scheme of life - is important and what isn't, we've learned what's a hill to die on and what isn't. With that wisdom, we have had maybe 4 disagreements in the 8 years we've been together and they've all lasted maybe 5 seconds because we POJA them quickly.

Can you identify how disrespectful even this comment is?

You are implying your husband is inconsiderate and like a child because he has a different idea/standard than you regarding what is an acceptable level of messiness in his home.

The attitude that you are superior and he is child like will alienate him.

The way Prisca worded things when she said "it would mean a lot to me if you would..." is golden.

I am very forgetful/messy and my husband used to approach me from the perspective that his way was superior. All it did was cause arguments and make me feel defensive and inadequate, because, like many messy people, I really am not an inconsiderate jerk who thinks everyone else can just clean up after me. I'm simply not conscious that I'm leaving the cupboard door open, crumbs on the counter, towels on the floor, lights on, doors open, etc.

It may help to for you to understand that unless he is inconsiderate in all ways, your husband is probably not leaving things about because he does not care about you. His brain is probably just wired differently than yours in that area and he is not bothered by, or possibly even aware of, the mess.

Anyhow - thanks to Marriage Builders I was able to suggest respectful ways for my husband to ask me to pay more attention. And I understood I had some very "annoying habits." And my husband realized anything I cleaned I was doing for him, and he had no right to demand it or bully me with DJs to get me to do it.

He started wording things exactly like Prisca did and even finding humor in my ways. His pleasant, non-judgmental requests created good will in me where I wanted to do things for him.

I still struggle because I really am oblivious to mess. This month we are working on turning off the light and closing the door after I've been in the closet. But all he has to do is ask nicely and I say "sure" and run back and do it for him. When he used to say things like "Why do you keep doing that?!" my reaction was to think 'Back off! I'm an adult, living in my own home, paying my way, and I don't need you constantly criticizing me." I really wanted to just get away from him.

I know humor can change the situation into lot more seriousness. It's worked for things b4 we had our child. But it's an effort to separate myself from how annoyed I feel. I can't feel my way of living is superior because it's a way of demanding.
So he disagreed to clean the microwave this morning so cleaned it for myself.
Then following it I had to remind him that he left his wet towel on the bed. I must have gotten lucky that he went to the bedroom after taking out his shoes when he has gotten ready to leave home.
It's patience testing for sure.

Could you answer these please?

BH Its pretty much me who might have to influence him. He has nonverbally acted apologetic in the past more than a few times. But I feel its a way of rushing and unplanning behaviour that can cause un-needed stress.
I've tried to spend time over weekends together but sometimes I need to tend to my own resentment. So we just take my daughter along with whatever we do. She's my emotional anchor anyway many times.

Theres an angry outbursts every weekend, unless I just stay quiet.
Yes I'm willing to learn and practice how stop making demands and disrespectful judgments.

Did you read this and what Dr. Harley says about AOs?

Is there another man you are comparing your husband to? Is there someone you see as a "better option"?

How much time do you and your husband spend out of the house, doing fun things?