I stumbled upon this community this week after deciding to find help with my relationship with my wife of nearly 6years. She told me 4 days ago she had been caught by her best friend kissing with her husband. About six months ago I reluctantly agreed to allow her to have sexual relations with her best friend because she was unhappy. I know now this is because I wasn't meeting her needs, but while I love her, I wasn't in love anymore, and I assumed the same for her. I allowed it thinking maybe this could bring her happiness and we could be happy together. Within this 6 month time period she was spending a lot of time with her friend and family(we have kids close in age). I opted out of going along for reasons not clear to me just yet but I think are because I was not having my needs met. In the time frame she became close with her friends husband and started having some of her needs met by him, enough to bring him in to our wives sex acts unbeknownst to me. She now tells me she is in love with him but her friend, the other man's wife, tells them they must get over their feelings. My wife told me he has strong feelings for her also and doesn't want to end their relationship because I assume my wife met some of his needs better than his own wife. Throughout this 6 month period my wife kept telling me she was unhappy and threatening to leave but never did. Upon the discovery of my wife's relationship with the other man by his wife, my wife's best friend, my wife came clean about the other man.

Before during and up to the point my world flipped up side down, I can only describe my emotionall state as like a coma. I was there but I wasn't there. I worked, came home, helped with the kids, run errands etc just as I felt was expected and enough to mAke my wife happy, but I realize now typing, would only make me happy. My wife and I have always had a shaky relationship which I feel is a problem that can be fixed with the MB wealth of information.

However I am asking for advise on my current course of action. After the discovery my emotions were awaken. She was honest with me, she meet one of my needs, and was enough to make me want to make her happy, and fix our marriage, and fall on love again and stronger than before. I was still extremely upset, and messaged the other man's wife to let her know my wife and her husband had no intentions of letting go of what they had. My wife roasted me because she wants to stay friends with the other mans wife. My wife has told me she doesn't want to lose either of me or the other man, and from what she says about the other man, he doesn't want to lose his wife or mine either. My wife told me she wants both of us because she could be happy. In an attempt to show I want her to be happy I reluctantly agreed, thus starting my competition with this other man for my wife's happiness.

That was four days ago, and since then I have been trying to make love bank deposits and minimize withdrawals. I feel it has had a small effect already and gives me hope for our future, I've even tried to have her check out MB hoping she too could be enlightened. I know I still have a long way to go, but I feel what it could be is worth the pain and anguish I feel now.

Today after we were all home and going about our daily routine I started to feel distanced by my wife, she nearly stopped making any communication with me. After asking why and trying to reaffirm her that she could talk to me and I wouldn't judge, she asked if I would mind the kids so she could go to the bar. She was visibly upset so I tried to push for more information and was shutdown, but convinced her to keep conversation open if I put the kids to bed my self. After she left, I reached out to my wife's friend to reach out to her so that someone she cares about might calm her down with conversation. I also reached out the the other man's wife asking if she knew whymy wife was upset. My wife returned home a few hours ago inebriated so I took my chances to help her, and possibly myself. She revealed to me she had broke it off with the other man after pressure from his wife, my wife's best friend. She was extremely upset and crying about missing the other man. I tried to console her without judgment and helped her to bed and rubbed her back till she fell asleep.

This is were I am asking for advise. My wife is torn up emotionally, and I am also to the point of lack of sleep, focus, and appetite from this matter. I love my wife and want to make her happy again. However with the quick and recent events I do not know if I have the time to formulate a plan other thank to keep trying to make love bank deposits and minimize withdrawals, all the while educating myself and, going about life with no support system(I am a stoich individual, and my wife doesnt takr critism or judgment well, so i cant talk to anyone else, and don't know if I can expose at this extremely unstable time for fear of my wife retaliating. Am I going about this correctly? She ended the relationship on her own but didn't say they would stop doing family outings or communicating. At this point should I still expose this, because if they broke it off and my wifes emotion state is any indicator,I'd feel at the moment that she is being honest and trying to preserve her friendship and allow the other family to reconcile.

And lastly, I had previously opted out of a lot of family events, but my wife would always beg me to come along. So I have agreed to go on one this weekend that had been previously planned before the discovery. I haven't discussed breaking all contact with the other man or even not going on the trip. If we do go, Is there any advise I should heed?

I know this is a lot to process, it took a long time to type. I appreciate your time if you do read this far. Sincerely Jesse

The problem is that you and your wife don't believe in marital exclusivity. I am not sure why you believed adultery would make your marriage better. The problem is not "need meetin" but your philosophy of marriage.

Dr. Harley once said "as soon as one need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow." All of the need meeting in the world will not overcome your philosophy of marriage. If you and your wife don't believe in exclusivity, you won't have a marriage for long.

I knew it was a mistake to allow it, but we had problems before. We were unaware of our needs and the problems we created for ourselves. I allowed it trying to be open minded. Originally she came to me asking if I would be interested being involved, I declined and she asked if I would be OK if she could be involved with the other woman. I told her I thought it was a bad idea because of our instabilities at the time and the possibility of the relationship changing for the worst. I don't have a problem with with being exclusive with my wife, I'd actually prefer it. I have refused this offer from my wife before with other couples. I do not believe adding people to a complex scenario is a simple solution. Thank you for you input MelodyLane. Sincerely Jesse

What is the difference between "open minded" and self destructive poor judgement? Being open minded is not always a virtue.

Listen to these.
Radio clip on Swinging
Segment #2

When are you exposing the affair? Your WW can no longer be around this OM at all so her friendship with her Best Friend will have to end.