Hello,

My husband and I are in the process of divorce. He has also posted on here, so I don't know how this will go. But I don't have the resources he does and I need somewhere to go for support and advice.

I have been unhappy in my marriage for a very long time. My unhappiness mainly started when he had an affair 6 years into our relationship before we were married. We never recovered. I never was able to forgive him no matter how hard I tried. We never continued to follow MB principles. We would do it for a little while and then stop again and things would backslide into the same old situation.

I continued to stay in the marriage, hoping and praying we would be able to find our way back to each other, but we never did. We fell further and further apart through the years. I never wanted my children to have a broken home and although our marriage wasn't going well, we made a good team as far as parenting went. But our youngest will only be 8 years old and the idea of letting it go on for 10 more years gave me a sense of complete and utter panic and depression.

I begged him repeatedly throughout the years to work with me to get us back to good. Nothing ever stuck. Eventually, I fell completely out of love with him. I found myself with nothing but anger and resentment and dare I say hatred toward him.

In the beginning of last year, I made a final plea. I said we either need to fix our relationship or go our separate ways. And then literally, neither of us did anything. I sat and thought about what to do. How to get out. What about the kids? Our youngest begged me not to get a divorce. It breaks my heart.

I haven't worked in 12 years. He supported us financially, the entire time. This was something we both agreed on. About 2 years ago, I opened my own bank account. It wasn't a secret. He knew about it. Apparently, because I never used it he forgot, so now he thinks I have some secret bank account. We didn't have a joint account. I used his, but it is only his. I opened the account as my first step toward independence from this situation, but I wish I had done more...much more.

Last summer, he lost his job. This happens every few years. I struggled with whether or not to leave then, but we were struggling as a family financially and I knew there was no way to support separate households. I also didn't want to kick him while he was down. Besides, I made a decision to wait until the end of the year...to give us a chance. I still had hope.

He spent the summer unemployed. That gave us a lot of time together and with the children. He works from home anyway. We still made no real effort to fix our marriage, however.

Then he found a job that allowed him to stay at home, with some travel. It is significantly more money than he previously made. This allowed freedom for the kids to do any activities they wanted to do. I enjoyed the times when he was away, although getting the kids taken care of myself was a little more difficult. But I also sometimes appreciated when he came home.

Fast forward to Jan. of this year. My dearest best friend since we were kids, who, yes, happens to be male, had a massive stroke. He has only two people in this world...myself and another friend. Unfortunately, we didn't find him with this stroke until 6 days after it happened. He was alone and completely unable to get help for himself. So, I spent countless hours at the hospital. I became his primary caretaker and advocate and POA for all of his medical decisions. I will say, that while I was with this friend, my husband was completely supportive...still is, in this regard. He took care of the kids and all the responsibilities while I was gone. I really do appreciate that so much as it allowed me to be there for my friend when he needed me most.

However, our marriage is still in ruins at this point. I will admit, I have had contact with many many ex-boyfriends via social media throughout the years. Mostly, I just like knowing how their lives turned out. Many of them are happily married with children, have great careers, etc. But I came across a man I dated before I met my husband 16 years ago. We has lost touch for many years, found each other again before our family moved out of state, and then he met someone else and got married and we lost touch again for a couple of years. He was now separated from his wife and we began talking via social media. Eventually, he came to see me at the hospital where my friend was and I began cheating on my husband with him.

About a week into this, exposure began when OMs 14 year old daughter threatened to tell my husband. I decided to tell him first. This isn't the way I wanted things to end with my husband and I didn't leave him for the OM, although it definitely seems that way, now. Drama ensued and I left the house. I asked him to leave and he refused. So, he has the house, the kids, and ALL the money.

Everything is just so ugly now. I think he has temporary custody of the kids although, I haven't actually received the papers yet since he tried to send them to OMs house and had the wrong address.

He has a lawyer, so I am totally screwed. I can't get legal representation because I have no money and no income. I want to get a place to live near the kids, but again, no money no income. Now he is all about "you have narcissistic personality disorder" so our entire relationship is your fault. I don't know what the end game is here, but I suspect he is trying to prove me unfit due to mental disorders and gain full custody of the kids. He has told me he wants shared custody, but I no longer believe this. I am getting help with a psychologist and I also have an appointment with a Dr. for meds.

I go there daily to try to spend time with the kids, but it is such a hostile environment, I usually end up spending the entire time outside crying. Also, the kids generally could care less that I am there and don't seem to want to spend time with me.

This is all so heartbreaking. I am at a complete loss. I can't do anything but sit around waiting for court dates just to get dragged through the mud in front of a judge. He wasn't a bad person in our marriage, there was just no love. I want love. I dreamed every night about being in love...sometimes with him, sometimes celebrities, some times nameless, faceless men...I just wanted to feel something. Anything. I know that lifetime relationships don't carry that over the moon in love feeling forever, and I don't expect it to. But I felt so lonely and neglected. I was miserable.

Where do I go from here?

You have been here for a number of years (over 10) and have had the opportunity to learn Dr Harley's materials, and it seems that you did not learn or apply them to your marriage. You have had multiple affairs in the course of your marriage and don't seem at all remorseful for them. This last one you left your family and children for, and now you are suffering the consequences of your actions. Does that about sum it up?

Is your BH interested in salvaging your marriage? Are you?

hangnthere,

I haven't read your entire post, but a couple things stand out to me.

First of all, you should be able to get help to get a lawyer who will represent your interests. DO NOT head toward divorce without a lawyer. Ask around and GET HELP.

Second of all, you have been here since 2006 but you say " I know that lifetime relationships don't carry that over the moon in love feeling forever, and I don't expect it to." Did you never read anything Dr. Harley wrote? Did you never read How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages?

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, your husband is abusing you. You shouldn't subject yourself to that. Don't see or talk to him as long as he is saying disrespectful things to you like saying you have a personality disorder.

What is your husband's posting name?

Markos,

I have tried endlessly to get legal help. I don't have a dime to my name. No one will even consult with me for less than $250. I contacted legal aid and because the is no domestic violence, they can't help me. I don't have any family or friends that can help. I am really out of options at this point. I don't know what else I can do.

I feel his comments are abusive as well, but he says that the truth hurts and that's the narcissism talking. It's like absolute torture dealing with him. I try to keep it all about the kids but he sends me messages 20+ times per day telling me how messed up I am.

I can't avoid him without avoiding the kids. If I don't come for the kids, I am abandoning them. That is already what he says, that I abandoned them.

Every time I come to the house, I get such anxiety, I vomit.

Jimbobalu

How would you feel about ending your affair, and moving back home?

To even begin to think about asking your husband whether he would be amenable to that, you would have to prove that you have NC with OM. If you're not willing to break all contact with him, please tell me now and I won't waste time on that angle.

I have been reading your husband's story, and for most of the time he has been desperate for you to go back to him, and for you to use MB and rebuild your marriage. He seems to have only given up now because you won't end the affair. If you were to end the affair, you would stand a good chance of being able to rebuild with your husband.

Of course, ending the affair and going back home wouldn't be the end of it. You rightfully want a different marriage from the one you've had until now; one filled with love and romance. MB can show you how to achieve that, but first of all, you need to give up OM, and commit to using MB (I suggest signing up for the online programme, with a coach).

So: what do you want to do? The affair seems to have ruined your life, as affairs will. It sounds to me as if you regret the mess you have created, and as if you are depressed. Affairs will do that.

There is no future for you with this loser OM, but you need to decide what kind of future you want for you and your kids, and work towards it.

Sugarcane,

I do not want to end it with the OM. But even if I did end it, I cannot go back to the husband. This marriage was over long before it was over.


Too much damage has been done. I would say on both of our ends, but I can't speak for him. I will never be able to trust him again and I highly doubt I could ever love him again. I don't even want to. The person he has become through all this... The things he has said and done. I could never believe he would do these things. I understand he is hurt. I am really so so sorry for that as I really would never want him to hurt.

I really wish him the best, but no, we can never be together again whether OM is in the picture or not. Yes, I do have my doubts about OM and I staying together long term, but that won't change anything with the marriage. It's definitely over.

Did this loser OM beat up his wife?

???

Why does it matter what he says?

Why would you try to debate him about it?

Why would you try to persuade an abuser that he is abusive?

Are you hoping for a future with this wife-beating adulterer?

Don't you want better than that for yourself?

I am certain he is at this point as well

hangnthere, there is so much that Dr. Harley has to say that would help your personal recovery.

First thing you need to do is drop the heroin addiction (OM).

I'm unclear, then, about the help you are seeking here. Could you spell it out for me?

You're certain that who is what at this point?

Please try and include a quote in your post, so we know what point you are addressing.

Where are you living and how are you paying for it?

Yes, he did put his hands on his wife. Yes, that does concern me. I am not defending him at all. I believe he is remorseful and I was not there. I try not to hold people to their mistakes too much. My husband has put his hands on his ex wife as well. But he has never touched me. As for the future with OM, I'm not thinking too far into that right now. My primary concern is how to get a place to live that I can spend time with my children without the abusive comments and hostility from the husband.

In my future, post divorce, I always imagined myself with my children, having gone to school so I can have a career. This is what I want. A man in my future, to spend my life with won't come until after I take myself more together...Or not at all. Or perhaps my husband and I would've been able to come back together at some point. But that part is so long gone now. I never imagined things would turn out like this. It was certainly never my intention. I am so upset that I let it happen this way. I cannot go back and do things differently. I would.

I apologize. This is difficult to do from my phone, but that is what I have.

My husband no longer wishes to reconcile, so we are on the same page about that

I don't debate anything. I ask him to leave me alone. He doesn't.

I guess I'm looking for advice and support with the divorce. Is that not OK? I mean I know it's Marriage Builders, but there is a divorce section.