Hi. I was on here quite a few years back. I thought this was my username but I guess not as it didn't come up when logging in and I can't recall it. Anyway we've been married 32 years, dated 7.5 years before that. We have 8 children and 2 grands. I am still homeschooling the youngest 3. All 5 older ones who have graduated are doing well. Very education oriented as they all have college degrees and/or advanced degrees. I have a professional degree but once we decided to homeschool I've been mostly at home though that's been a source of contention as he has always wanted me to bring in income. I have worked part-time in my field sporadically until another need would arise such as a pregnancy.

When I was on here last time my husband was working away from home during the week and things were very stressful. At the time I knew he was using porn (as I believe he is now) and I was suspicious of sexual infidelity as I did see that he had been on a Craigslist site about one night stands. I snooped a lot during that time but found nothing concrete.

Because he always wants me to contribute to our income I have tried various direct selling businesses. I did fairly well with one making $25k one year, though my husband never seemed to notice my success. I am currently with a different company and have a system that will bring very good income over time. Problem is my husband hates it. It is requiring me to be gone a couple times per week. I love it. My emotional needs have not been met by my husband for many years. I feel he doesn't listen to or care what I need. He golfs 2x weekly, drinks 4-5 beers nightly alone in his office. This behavior has increased since I've gotten busier. He said he was giving me space to show I can make a go of the business but he also did this for the 1.5 years he was laid off. I take it as punishment. He knows it hurts me when he ignores me but I am about at the point now where I prefer being alone.

I understand that he resents the business but he wants income and as the kids are getting older I wanted a new challenge since there was nothing coming from the marriage. I tried to have him do MB w me when I was on here before and he read it but said it was all aimed to please the woman and refused to continue. I pointed out that it equally meets both person's needs but he disagreed. I think it's because his needs at that time and for most of our marriage were being met pretty well. I'm a Christian and always felt a duty to meet his needs even if he wasn't meeting mine. In the last 2 years or so I've begun to not really care about that anymore. I'm just tired, worn out, resentful of all my years of effort with nothing coming back.

He says he hates talking w me because I don't listen correctly and I go off on tangents. I believe there is truth to that as talking w him makes me nervous. I rarely feel I do things right in his eyes so my brain jumps around even though I really am trying. Also, because he gets up very early for work he has me sleeping separately since I snore. I was using a cpap but he still felt I was keeping him awake. Now he even locks the door when he goes to bed unless he wants to give a signal he wants sex then he leaves the door open.

My older kids feel he has not treated me right. I almost separated from him about 8 years ago because he was so grumpy and always yelling at the kids for every little thing. He did improve in that area but now that they're older and he relates to them better he will often talk only to them while ignoring me. They notice that and it makes them feel bad for me.

I really don't know if I care to go on in this marriage. Last night he gave me the ultimatum. I quit my business and go back to work or it's over. In many ways that sounds like a relief but being a Christian I don't know that that is right. I have trouble putting my needs as important but I've finally experienced some joy with my business and now he wants me to quit. Btw nothing wrong is going on there. It is a bunch of local women including my sister building a business that besides benefitting our families will also fund a shelter we dream of opening in our city.

I dk what else to say. So tired.

Anyone? I know you're all busy. Just waiting for some support and guidance.

I think you should listen to them.

He isn't treating you right, and his reaction to you wanting to follow a program to improve your marriage is alarming.

You need to separate. Can you do that now? If not now, what steps do you need to start taking so that you can separate?

Yes I think so too. My only question is the last time I asked him to do MB was 8 years ago. Should I ask if he would do it now before separating?

I will probably need to go back to work part time on top of the business but I can do that. Problem is in my state there is no legal separation so I believe u have to file for divorce if u need to force child support or alimony. I'm not sure if he would pay voluntarily. Last time we argued about my business he said I should move out which I won't do because of kids.

If you have 8 children and are homeschooling, your H would be required to support you. Are you enthusiastic about working? I am surprised you would want to hold down a job with that many kids.

Only 4 living at home, 1 of those in college. I'm not enthusiastic about it at all. I just meant in order to survive if we split up. I had read that in my state they figure in how much you could make if you work and I have a professional degree. But I would hope court would consider the homeschooling since I've done it 26 years.

Gotcha, he would be required to support you.

And just so you know, MB would never tell you that you had to work just because your husband wanted that. Being forced to work is a direct violation of the POJA.

Ok yes I guess I knew that. Thank you. Pray for me pls.

I will for sure!!

So will you plan to separate? What is your plan?

I think I need to talk it through. He has said before he won't leave. I don't want to be the one to leave and uproot the kids. Should I bring up doing MB or just tell him I want him to go?

What I see here is two people not meeting each other's needs...making independent decisions on what to do.

I would highly suggest talking to Stephen Harley and having him talk to your husband. Because instead of saying "What do you think is wrong with your marriage" he will ask questions like "Do you think it would be best for you and your children for you to be in a good marriage with your wife?"

Usually when asked that, people say yes. From there he talks to you about how to get there.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html

Hi mom!
I have been through this before and I would say try MB if you had never shown him before but it has been years and he seems quite happy with the way things are.

As far as getting him out. File for divorce for self protection (I had to do this as my state doesn't have legal separation)and then just drag it out to see how he responds. You are protected and can choose usually for up to 2 years to drag it on, end it or proceed with it at any point.

Normally in a divorce situation, they will order the man out of the home fortunately and UN-fortunetly if there are children and you are the main care giver.

Honestly, I would go speak to a lawyer to make sure, file and then let your Husband know what you have done so there isn't any demands from you... just facts.

So your goal for this week is find a good lawyer to help you start preparing. They really can help you!