|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
She walked off saying she hoped for more...............not sure what she means She probably means she hopes you really will learn MB and start living everyday by the concepts and to truly have a romantic marriage that last a lifetime. And do stop all your love busters.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 57
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 57 |
No but it's on my to do list.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
The MIL issue started Saturday. It was POJAed and resolved to, I'm pretty sure, to both our acceptance. I think you're mistaken. When you have an enthusiastic agreement, you won't have to keep revisiting the issue. Your wife is far from enthusiastic. Did you listen to the radio show I posted about this?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
No but it's on my to do list. What have you got that's higher on the list?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
She walked off saying she hoped for more...............not sure what she means She probably means she hopes you really will learn MB and start living everyday by the concepts and to truly have a romantic marriage that last a lifetime. And do stop all your love busters. Yes, this sounds pretty straightforward and understandable.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
POJA doesnt mean you get to keep her in a conversation that has become unpleasant. As soon as the it is unpleasant, the conversation ends. Yes, you can't demand your wife talk! If you don't believe me, ask Prisca!!!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I believe we are both now aware (she before me) that love busters are the real problem here. MIL may be the issue, but how we addressed the issue is the real problem. MIL is a real problem, too. Don't dismiss your wife's perspective on this, because dismissing her perspective is a love buster (disrespectful judgment). MIL is a very, very real problem for her, and until you find a solution to it together that your wife is enthusiastic about you need to quit seeing your parents because it will be a constant offense to your wife.
Last edited by markos; 03/08/17 09:33 PM. Reason: point out this is a love buster
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I think we both would agree that the rest of the evening's problems were not about MIL but probably more about who was love busting who and we both just kept doing it. You really need to stop saying the word "both." You can stop love busting, unilaterally, and you need to. All those sentences that say "both" are disrespectful judgments - you are blaming her and trying to make your own love busters look better because "she did it, too, we both did it, she was worse." It won't help you at all to post a diary of all of the love busters and a complete back and forth. That's worse than useless. What will help is when you learn to view your own love busters IN ISOLATION from her behavior, and learn to stop them NO MATTER WHAT she does.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Are you keeping a list of your love busters? Is your wife giving your worksheets?
You need to have serious concentrated time of studying your love busters so you can learn to eliminate them. During that time you need to not be looking at her love busters at all.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10 |
Where do I start? The reason she couldn't speak coherently to her boss is that I broke every MB rule in the book on Tues. am, 20 minutes before it was time for us to go to work. We both work at the same place. The MIL issue started Saturday. It was POJAed and resolved to, I'm pretty sure, to both our acceptance. The DJs and AOs continued on both parts, but to be fair,and she may disagree, I tried much harder than she did, to move away from. Anyway they didn't stop. I think we both would agree that the rest of the evening's problems were not about MIL but probably more about who was love busting who and we both just kept doing it. Sunday and Monday were excruciatingly terrible for both of us . By Sunday night I made up my mind that I was leaving until she agreed to counseling other than this site. By Monday morning I decided not to because of my unconditional love for her. My like for her was at an all time low. By 4:00 Tuesday, I was again sure I would be gone by the end of the day for both our sakes if we didn't talk and at least start the path to resolving our issues. The unconditional love was not and is not gone. I asked her how she felt about phoning in sick and staying home to try to move forward. She said something like "but we have to drive"(we car pool) I said "but honey, our marriage is much more important than work or car pool or anything else. She wouldn't agree to stay home so I said POJA and I don't want us to go to work. The ensuing half hour was not good. That's when she talked to her boss. I know it was cruel but I also knew it would be more cruel not to force us to talk. She was scared and didn't feel safe. I guarenteed I would do whatever it took to make her feel safe. We did talk and spent most of the day on this site. Thank you all for being there. This morning was not very pleasant due to love busters from her but we did wish each other a good day as we parted at work. I emailed her later to thank her for the way we parted. I will try to address your comments and suggestions in future posts. Sorry for the length of this. If you got to this point I thank you for your patience! This is a very disturbing account of the way you treated you wife over those days, but especially on the day you thought it acceptable to use the term POJA to justify your cruelty in forcing her to stay at home and talk to you, making her into a nervous wreck. This treatment: "I know it was cruel but I also knew it would be more cruel not to force us to talk" was in fact so cruel that I don't really know where to start. I gather that you intend to talk to Dr Harley soon. I suggest that you relay the above account to him, and see what problems he pinpoints. There is the issue of misusing a MB concept (POJA), to justify bullying your wife and reducing her to tears. There is the issue of insisting that she gets counselling. There is the issue of unconditional love - which you seem to think allows you to treat your wife badly because you won't leave her. In fact, unconditional love is a very bad thing in marriage, as it leads to abuse such as you describe here. From your other posts, there is the issue of how you treat your wife when she makes a complaint about you, or expresses her desire not to do something that makes her unhappy, such as being in the presence of your mother in certain situations. Your wife seems to be in a desperate state, and this seems to stem from how you have treated her when you want to get your way. Your marriage needs the direct help of Dr Harley, urgently.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 57
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 57 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
Did you get a chance to do your assignment that Dr. Harley gave you?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 57
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 57 |
Hi
This is a new issue. W says that if I have a different perspective on something it is a DJ to her and that I believe her perspective is wrong. I don't think that at all. I don't think hers is wrong, I think it's different. I think we can learn from our different perspectives and appreciate how each other sees the same situation. Once she explained her perspective on some things I was able to see it from her point of view but I'm really struggling with not being able to share my views on things without her taking it as a DJ. Dr. Harley said I am to apologize to her for past hurts -which I have done and keep doing- and to ask her to help me get back into her good graces -which I continue to do. Do I just agree with whatever she says even if I see the facts differently. She agrees that I am doing better in not using LBs. She states that if I say something and she sees it as a LB then it is whether intended or not. I asked her to let me know when this happens so I can try not to repeat it. Thanks.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 57
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 57 |
Here's another issue that we are struggling with. I only have 2 first cousins on my mother's side, Donna and David. They are half siblings who live in Jacksonville FL. My family are the only family they have. David is single and in poor health. Donna's husband died a few years ago and her adopted son was killed in a car accident at 18 years old a few years before that. She has one adopted daughter and one grandchild. I went, with my sister, to their mother's funeral about 3 or 4 years ago. That was a major IB. I couldn't get over how much Donna and David appreciated us being there and feel I did the right thing.
Now W and I drove from PEI Canada to Florida 2 weeks ago for 5 weeks total away from home. We planned to stay with a first cousin on my Dad's side for a couple of days on the way down. He lives in Bradenton FL. That fell through. I thought about Donna then and knew she would really appreciate a visit and also thought it would save us $100.00 or more for a hotel if we stayed overnight. Long story short this did not go over very well with W. I suggested that at least we go to eat with them and spend an hour or so. We finally POJAed that we would not contact Donna on the way down but would ask for advice from the forum on how to POJA on visiting her on the way back. I have since capitulated that we will not visit her at all but I feel terrible about it. What am I supposed to do?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842 |
1. How do you introduce your different perspective?
2. It would be capitulation for your W to stay with family she doesn't want to see. Not visiting this family member was proper POJA.
3. What is a successful POJA to you?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Bariguy, I don't feel you did the right thing if you provided care for people at the expense of your wife's feelings. She has to come first - that's what marriage is.
Refraining from behavior your wife isn't enthusiastic about isn't what Dr. Harley calls capitulating. Capitulating would be if your wife agrees for you to see relatives she isn't really enthusiastic about you seeing.
I would tell your wife you won't do anything she isn't enthusiastic about and won't do anything she is reluctant about and ask what forms of care and friendships she is willing for you two to provide for the cousins.
If these relatives have been disrespectful to your wife at some point she might not feel good for you to see them at all until they have apologized to her and offered assurances that it won't happen again, and you probably need to confront them and let them know.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 57
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 57 |
POJA to me is win win, not win lose which this is to me.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
314
guests, and
54
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,621
Posts2,323,487
Members71,942
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
