POJA to me is win win, not win lose which this is to me.

So you are saying it was not capitulation on my part to agree to not visit? I'm trying to understand.

1.How do you introduce your different perspective?
When I did introduce one perspective, I believe I did it kindly and factually without LBs. I have since been made aware that to give any perspective is a DJ so I haven't given any others.

There are two kinds of resentment: (1) Resentment due to something one of you DID to the other that was hurtful, and (2) resentment due to something you DIDN'T do for yourself that you would have liked, but would have hurt your spouse. Your husband has the first kind of resentment because you had an affair three months into your marriage. What you did hurt him. You have the second kind of resentment because you now feel obligated to avoid seeing a friend who is a threat to your husband.

I think you would agree with me that the first kind of resentment is the worst, because your husband knows you deliberately hurt him. It's no wonder he's having trouble recovering from the experience. Your poor communication may be partly due to the fact that he is still trying to recover from the shock.

The second kind of resentment, the kind you are experiencing, may be uncomfortable, but life is full of instances where we need to control ourselves for the protection of others. In other words, I'm saying that whatever resentment you may feel about not being able to see your friend is nothing compared to the resentment you would feel if your husband had indulged in an affair.

You may be right about your incompatibility, but from what you've told me so far, what is separating you is not incompatibility, but his emotional withdrawal, which is a different matter entirely. He started out on the right track, wanting to settle all decisions on a mutually agreeable basis. But I think his best intentions are being overwhelmed by the grief he is feeling from your affair a year ago. He probably would have gotten over it by now, but your effort to see another friend from your past is keeping his grief fresh. Why torment your husband with needless pain?

From your husband's perspective, if you cared about his feelings, you wouldn't see your friend. The fact that he has made his wishes clear, and you have wanted to see him anyway, is proof to him that you care more about seeing your friend than you care about your husband. My advice to you is simple: Don't have friends who make your husband uncomfortable. Follow the Policy of Joint Agreement.

I went, with my sister, to their mother's funeral about 3 or 4 years ago. That was a major IB. I couldn't get over how much Donna and David appreciated us being there and feel I did the right thing.

Your exchange began with your husband's admission that he had taken something from your car that you needed without asking for it. Clearly an example of IB. Then he called to let you know that when you started looking for it, you would know that he took it. You were upset that he would do that, as most people are when their spouses engage in independent behavior. Your husband made a suggestion that you borrow your son's for the day, which didn't make you feel any better. The "kind, considerate understanding" that your husband wanted from you didn't reflect the fact that he had taken something of yours without asking, and that he should have expected you to be upset about it. His recommended response was pure sacrificial selflessness, characteristic of the Giver. When he said that your messages lacked love, again he was expecting you to overlook his mistake and carry on in spite of it.

I would have encouraged you to approach the problem a little differently. First, it should be clearly expressed that taking your GPS was independent behavior, something that almost always triggers resentment. When someone makes that kind of a mistake, they should go to some trouble to remedy the problem themselves. Suggesting that you borrow your son's GPS make it your problem to solve. If your husband were to have asked me what to do after he let you know he had taken the GPS, I would have suggested that he return it before you had to go on your errands. He might have told me that he was too busy to do that, so I would have suggested a courier, or, perhaps, calling your son and asking him to give you his GPS for the day. In other words, your husband would clean up the mess he made. To expect you to overlook his mistake is to ignore the effect he has on you.

It should be the responsibility of the person who violates the POJA with independent behavior to reverse the decision as best he or she can without expecting the other person to overlook it.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

I thought about Donna then and knew she would really appreciate a visit and also thought it would save us $100.00 or more for a hotel if we stayed overnight. Long story short this did not go over very well with W.

I suggested that at least we go to eat with them and spend an hour or so.

We finally POJAed that we would not contact Donna on the way down but would ask for advice from the forum on how to POJA on visiting her on the way back. I have since capitulated that we will not visit her at all but I feel terrible about it. What am I supposed to do?

POJA to me is win win, not win lose which this is to me.

If POJA is win-win, why are you trying to force your wife to be the loser?

You are in the habit of IB and you must break that habit to save your marriage.

Type A & B resentment does apply to your situation. Type B resntment can be overcome by doing something else enjoyable. So start looking for a new activity for the time in question. T

That's what we will be doing. Thanks

I don't see the IB here. We are not visiting my cousin because she doesn't want to. How is that IB on my part? Please explain. I am not trying to force her to lose at all. I am loosing and I accept that for the good of our marriage.

I said you are used to IB, not that situation is IB.

You say you want win-win agreements, but you seem to really want her to accept losing this time and you will lose at another time (what most people consider compromise). POJA requires a higher standard. No one is to gain at their spouse's expense.

You also seem to expect your wife to explain her feelings to you. POJA has no requirement for someone to prove they have a good reason for not wanting to do an activity. A spouse is not a child.

In the future, If you propose an activity and your wife says she is not in enthusiastic about it, the only appropriate rejoinder is "are there any circumstance in which you would be enthusiastic?" If the answer is "no," you need to drop it immediately and pursuit other plans.

POJA does not require reasons. The fact that she doesn't want to is enough. You are looking for ways to invalidate her. Stop.

[
As I stated before, I am not trying to invalidate her feelings. I accept her and her feelings. If I disagree with something she says or feels or if I feel differently on a matter is that an invalidation of how she thinks or feels?

I hate Chinese food and my H hates Mexican. I love Mexican and he loves Chinese. So I make a compromise with him that he endures Mexican and as an "incentive" I will go suffer through Chinese with him.

Lets say we practice a "compromise" and we go for Mexican one night and Chinese the next night. That means that I will be unhappy on one night and he will be unhappy the next because we are each gaining at the others EXPENSE for one night.

This is called sacrifice aka win/lose. It leads to incompatibility and resentment. It leads to incompatibility because people won't do things that make themselves unhappy for long. I might go for Chinese 3 or 4 times and tolerate that nasty food, but pretty soon I will be finding reasons to AVOID going out to eat and he will be resentful, because people who practice sacrifice KEEP SCORE. He will be mad because I "OWE" him a Chinese night to pay for his Mexican night.

The solution recommended by Marriage Builders avoids all that. Instead of going to ANY restaurant that one spouse doesn't like, the solution is to find a restaurant that BOTH LOVE. Mexican and Chinese are completely OFF our lists. In it's place is a list of restaurants we both like. This solution builds compatibility because it ensures we are BOTH happy and no one sacrifices at the others expense.