Educating your spouse is a disrespectful judgement. Stop it. It is not a part of MB.

Well, is it?

It is different in the way that it was part of a discussion on capitulation. I was not demanding she do anything. I was saying that if one wants to do something and the other doesn't and there is no POJA possible, then nothing is done. I said one of us would be capitulating. I was since instructed that doing nothing is not capitulation. This was only an example used in a discussion, not an actual situation. Two weeks ago it was decided that we would NOT be visiting my cousin. Many of the posts from you guys appear to be of the understanding that I am still demanding that we visit my cousin. I am not demanding anything since we POJAed that two weeks ago.
Also on the goodwill part, it was also part of a discussion. I stated that for POJA to work, goodwill on both parts is required. I was definitely not saying that if she had goodwill towards me, she would visit my cousin or do anything else I wanted her to do that she didn't want to do. Please ask her if this is incorrect.

POJA is always possible though. The 'do nothing' is not the resolution, it is the default until you reach a resolution.

If you want to visit your cousin, for example, and she does not, you do not visit the cousin (do nothing)... but you continue to POJA until you find an alternative you are BOTH happy with. The fact that you defaulted to the do nothing but did not continue to POJA to find a resolution that made you both happy, does not mean that you capitulated.

I am reading and studying to a point far beyond what I thought I would be doing while on vacation because my marriage is more important than vacation.

Can you define what you think 'goodwill' means? If a spouse demonstrates goodwill in POJA situations, what does this mean to you?

If I understand correctly, when you said this, your wife felt disrespected, because it certainly did sound like you were saying she did not have goodwill toward you (and if she did she'd be doing something different, such as for example visiting your cousin).

So the problem is you need to not talk like this because it's a disrespectful judgment and a love buster.

Don't say anything that sounds like you are telling your wife how she does or doesn't feel (e.g., has goodwill or not). Don't say anything that sounds like you are educating your spouse.

To me, in reference to POJA, it means each spouse working towards a solution that both are enthusiastic about and not wanting the other to have to sacrifice to achieve it.

This was not the case here. Please ask her. The "visit" has been off the table for over two weeks. I was not saying she would visit my cousin if she had goodwill towards me. I was repeating, during a discussion with W on POJA, what Dr. Harley said. For POJA to work, there needs to be goodwill on the part of both parties. I may or may not have referenced the "visit" in that particular discussion. If I did, she was fully aware that it was as an example only and not a suggestion that she would go if she had goodwill toward me.

Did you do this?

Is this a broadly accurate description of how some of your days have been, while on vacation? Have you been cold and silent to your wife on some days, and have you told her (words to the effect) that she has caused the problem by bringing up MB?

Did you do this?

Have you said (words to the effect) that when you want to do something, and your wife does not want to do it, that doing nothing is an act of capitulation on your part?

Have you asked your wife more than once to do the thing that she has already said that she does not want to do - the thing that is so important to you?

Even though visiting your cousin seems to have been taken off the table, have you been silent and cold to your wife as a result of that decision?

If not as a result of that decision, why have you been cold and silent, if indeed you have?

For Marriage Builders to work you have to stop telling your wife how the POJA works. Do you understand this? Don't educate your wife, because it's a love buster. Your goal is to top off your balance in your wife's love bank, not drain it into the red.


Please stop getting hung up about the visit.

When you told your spouse how POJA should work it was a love bank withdrawal. I have given you one example of why she might have seen it that way. Quit arguing that the example is wrong. It doesn't matter if the example is right or wrong. It was a love bank withdrawal. You are an abusive lecturing husband who is going to lose your marriage if you can't start looking for the ways we are right rather than trying to debate every point.


Was it a love buster or not, Bariguy?

Are you making your wife miserable or not, Bariguy?

Take a good look at her, and when you are ready to learn how to make your wife happy instead of miserable come back and LISTEN because we can help you with that.

So, cut it out.

"I didn't abuse my wife this way, I abused her that way."
This is, essentially, what you are saying.
The nitty-gritty details are not important. What's important is that you've abused your wife. And she's scared of being honest with you.

So, cut it out.

This was a discussion. It was not an effort to educate!

What I meant was she was unaware that I just finished cleaning it. What I was saying was that presenting facts as a response to a complaint is NOT disagreeing or refusing to accept the complaint. You were saying if she complains I am to act on it with no questions asked. I'm saying if there are facts she is unaware of I need to be able to state them.

I'm sorry, cut what out? I wish you were here to have heard the conversation. I was NOT lecturing her or educating her, we were talking about POJA and how it works. She made statements, I made statements. Please ask her if you want further explanation.

No Bari we aren't saying to act with no questions asked. This program bring the best wisdom of both of you that is how it's successful. I don't know the details of the car cleaning but for example if she says she is uncomfortable it was dirty then that is a good opportunity to show her you care about her, and talk about what is clean for each of you.

It will get so much easier and become second nature as you fall in love again. I can imagine it feels weird at the moment. Hang in there! Feelings follow actions.

Regardless of what you call it it was a large love bank withdrawal, and this marriage recovery plan will never work if you don't stop doing it.

If you can't learn to recognize your own abusive behaviors it would be best for her wife if she would separate from you until you can recognize and eliminate them.

Bariguy are you listening to Dr. Harley's daily radio show? You're having a lot of the same problems I had when I came here - you are very disrespectful to your wife and don't realize it because you don't recognize that your behavior is disrespectful.

Your wife is going to be a lot happier when you learn to recognize and eliminate your disrespectful behavior. You need to be aware that Dr. Harley considers disrespectful judgments to be marital abuse. Like me, you have arrived at this site as an abusive husband and don't yet recognize it.

You need to get every chance you can to learn to recognize your DJs - listen to the radio show!