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Joined: Apr 2017
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Hello Everyone,
I've been lurking here for a while now and finally got up the courage to post my story.
I've been married for nearly 18 years and have 2 kids. I suspect that my husband is cheating on me, but no proof. I am a stay home mom with a history of anxiety and depression. I am currently on meds for both and doing much better!
Husband says he is finished in our marriage. Says he loves me, but not in love with me. Doesn't want to spend the rest of his life wondering if he could have been happier.
So now what am I supposed to do?
Jules
Jules
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Hi, Jules,
The very first thing you need to do is uncover evidence of your husband's affair. Who is he having an affair with?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Apr 2017
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Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 4 |
Hi markos,
I did find condoms. He had a vasectomy years ago so no need for condoms at home (separate from the fact that we have not been intimate for quite some time)
When he isn't at work he is with his bowling league one night a week or his motorcycle buddies. My guess would be someone at work. Not sure it matters.
Jules
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Joined: Apr 2012
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It does matter Jules. It is important for you to find out what he is doing and who he is doing it with.
Can you put some spyware on his devices? Spyware on his phone, and a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car would probably get you evidence pretty quickly. Can you do this?
Whether you want to save your marriage or not, it is important for you to know what he is up to.
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10 |
Husband says he is finished in our marriage. Says he loves me, but not in love with me. Doesn't want to spend the rest of his life wondering if he could have been happier. Is he planning to leave you? What are his plans?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
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You seem very complacent about this situation, and your marriage in general. Is there a reason for this?
I understand if you right now don't care and just want out. But that could change. Dr Harley has a plan for breaking up affairs and giving you the best opportunity possible to save your marriage, or have personal recovery. The beauty of it is you can follow the plan and choose either one along the way.
It starts with finding out the facts about what is going on. You cannot make wise decisions about your marriage and your own personal future without knowing the facts.
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Joined: Apr 2017
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Junior Member
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Joined: Apr 2017
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It does matter Jules. It is important for you to find out what he is doing and who he is doing it with.
Can you put some spyware on his devices? Spyware on his phone, and a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car would probably get you evidence pretty quickly. Can you do this?
Whether you want to save your marriage or not, it is important for you to know what he is up to. No, I'm unable to put any spyware on his devices. He is an IT specialist. Not sure I could do the VAR either. He knows every inch of his cars since he is a car fanatic/gearhead. I'm not very tech savvy. He isn't sure of his plans. He seems a bit wishy-washy on what he wants. I'm not pushing it and not bringing up any relationship talk. I am focusing on myself and getting healthier so I can be best equipped to handle whatever happens next.
Jules
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Jules, do you have the Marriage Builders app so you can listen to Dr. Harley's daily radio show and start getting educated about affairs?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
So now what am I supposed to do? Well, he's having an affair, so you've got two options. You can get a divorce and build a happy life without him. Or you can try to bust up the affair and see if he wants to build a happy marriage with you then, and then if he doesn't, then you can get a divorce and build a happy life without him. The first thing you need to do in either case is gather evidence so you can tell people what is going on and get support. This also puts pressure on the affair and hastens its eventual end. You want this even if you are getting a divorce because it will make things easier for you and much MUCH better for your children. Have you told your children their father is having an affair?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 4
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Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 4 |
You seem very complacent about this situation, and your marriage in general. Is there a reason for this?
I understand if you right now don't care and just want out. But that could change. Dr Harley has a plan for breaking up affairs and giving you the best opportunity possible to save your marriage, or have personal recovery. The beauty of it is you can follow the plan and choose either one along the way.
It starts with finding out the facts about what is going on. You cannot make wise decisions about your marriage and your own personal future without knowing the facts. I'm not complacent. Stunned is more like it. Maybe my antidepressants are too effective in that I feel a bit numb. Is that possible? I'll work harder to see what I can find out what he is up to.
Jules
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
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Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10 |
I'll work harder to see what I can find out what he is up to. A cast-iron way to find out what he's up to, without using digital devices, is to hire a private investigator. If I felt I couldn't risk using digital means, that's what I'd do. I would not give up without finding out what is going on. A PI is pricey, but he or she can target surveillance for the days your husband goes off with his friends, and can deliver results very quickly. You should hire one.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
As an IT specialist, he's likely to be pretty overconfident in his ability to detect any spyware you might use. There's a good chance you can slip it right past him! 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10 |
We've had several wives of IT specialists (including markos's wife, Prisca) who put spyware on devices and the IT specialist husband did not know it was there. There was one poster, when I first started here, whose husband found out by accident that she was reading his emails while they were separated, and he took the laptop to a specialist shop, and THEY couldn't find the device.
If devices are installed carefully, they are undetectable. That is how they are designed to be.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
I'm not complacent. Stunned is more like it. Maybe my antidepressants are too effective in that I feel a bit numb. Is that possible? Yes that is very possible. You have to find a way to get some evidence. Can you hire a PI to follow him? Many people here have found ways to get the evidence, even those of us who are not tech savy. Please don't discredit your own intelligence and tenacity, if you want to get the information you can. I know it is easier to just be nice and ignore the situation, but it will not help you one iota. You need to take action.
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