Have you read this and listen to the clips in this thread?
The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

I'm working my way through this thread. By coincidence, today's rebroadcast of the show talks about this (and Jim).

Update: After a rough patch, we're getting back on track. We did have another argument that began to escalate. This time we handled it differently and took a long time out for both of us to cool down. Later on we exchanged some words, some in writing, some verbal, reaffirming our love for each other, that neither of us like this ugly pattern, and we need to make some changes.

Later we talked about the time we spend together and about making a conscious effort to do some fun things that don't involve making decisions around the homestead, and spending time together that isn't just watching a movie.

(I did find the box that has my books in it, and I can see the stack way back in the corner, but couldn't get to it safely. I'll need to go back and excavate that corner more safely, or just buy another copy!)

So last night, instead of watching a movie, we enjoyed some wine and spent the evening reading aloud from a book we are both interested in. We had a lot fun talking about the subject, and we both learned new things. We had a nice long night, and made some massive love bank deposits meeting the 4 most critical needs.

We're off to a good beginning. :-)

I read your post and wanted to respond since no one else has so far.... sounds good.

I am going to make a suggestion: make a time poja agreement.
Such as: we agree that if by July 1st we haven't read the books and things aren't improving that we will join Dr Harley accountability program to help out.
If at any time during this one of us (with no explanation needed) feels like we are doing so bad, we will join that week.

I found that having a date helped my sanity out and felt like a nice safety net while we were working on things.

And for now! Just keep doing the work!
I would also get the workbooks that go along with Lovebusters and His Needs.... so so good! They really do help a lot!

I thought about this, but decided against it. My husband HATES deadlines of any kind. And he's feeling pressured by me in general. Adding a deadline didn't seem like a good idea. But I did keep the thought in mind about making sure we continue the good roll.

Also, he made the remark the other night that he's got loads of bookmarked pages that look him in the face whenever he sits down at his computer, and it's getting overwhelming to him.

However, after the great night I described the other day, we started falling back in the pattern of working around the property and not making any time for fun. We had a night of movie watching, when we were plain tuckered out from work, and that was fine.

Last night we talked while having dinner. And it was a bit frustrating for me. I feel he interrupts me a lot. He also digresses into old stories about disagreements with friends (which I've heard many times and hold as much vehemence today as they did years ago.) I didn't complain, I just asked that we move back to the topic at hand instead of talking about old, negative stuff. And we did.

After dinner he suggested watching a movie, and I asked if we could do something else instead. I explained that movie time doesn't have us interacting with one another, and we just did that the other night. I said I'd rather spend the time doing something that would better satisfy our emotional needs. He was immediately defensive and in short order we were off to the races arguing again. He accused me of trying to tell him what his emotional needs are. I responded that I am not doing that, I'm just trying to get some of my needs met and trying to do something fun that will help reinforce our love. He replied that we just HAD conversation over dinner. I explained why it was not very satisfying for me and things just got worse. We had a little bit of back and forth, but I tried to keep my calm and assert myself. He complains that when I say things like this, I make him feel bad, and it all comes down to 'he's a problem', and that's why he's not healthy, is depressed and doesn't sleep well, etc. I told him I can understand how he must feel that way. I asked can he understand how stringing all that together throws it all back at me and makes it sound like he's blaming me for all his problems? After all, I can't fix his health and sleep issues. He agreed that he would like to get a better handle on himself and his problems. That was the 'good' side, and we both did some lovebusting too, unfortunately, but much less than 'usual'. And we did break it up go to separate parts of the house the rest of the evening to keep it from escalating any further.

At bedtime, I first tried sleeping in the bed, but couldn't because I was still pretty angry, and laying next to him was making me worse. Throughout the evening I had started to wonder if, perhaps subconsciously, he actually wants me have AO? (The way he talks over me, hardly lets me get a word in edgewise, gets sarcastic, or belittles the need I'm expressing). Now maybe he's just nuts in the heat of the moment too, but I had not really considered that angle.

I went and laid on the couch and calmed down and thought about this angle. It really gave me more determination to not have AO. I fell asleep there, and then returned to the bed a few hours later (because I know it really bothers him if I do not sleep in the bed with him).

This morning I woke around 9, and he was already up and out of the house! This is good, but unexpected. He usually gets up anywhere from 10 to 1pm. (He doesn't always sleep well, so I let him get what sleep he can, when he can). So he was outside working all day and made a point of avoiding me and looked very angry. Last night he had made a point in the argument that he wanted and needed to get a better handle on himself, including his sleep/wake cycles, so maybe that's why he got up early.

I just let him be and set out to do some productive things on my own, and then later went and took the fun hike by myself.

So we are still in our own corners, avoiding one another. I'm sure he feels that I criticized him by suggesting we do something that better meets emotional needs, and stating that my needs weren't being met. While I'm not happy that he's upset, angry and avoiding me, it's preferable to arguing.

Update. Just after my post, he spoke. He wanted to let me know he wasn't trying to ignore me, he was just so angry, so he thought it better to stay away. He says he still has lots to think about and will talk later when he's more calm. I thanked him for that, and let him know I didn't like seeing him upset and angry, but I agree the silence and space is preferable to a screaming match.

A point Dr. Harley often makes is that, until Angry Outbursts are eliminated, no other problems can be solved.

What is he doing about those Angry Outbursts?

He's doing really well now. He's trying hard to communicate honestly and effectively, and so am I. He's making a concerted effort to listen better, to not interrupt me or talk over me. That's making a big difference. :-)

Has he done the first thing Dr. Harley says needs to be done to eliminate angry outbursts?

When you say 'the first thing', I interpret that to mean when Dr. Harley says the person must realize that 'no one makes you angry, you make the choice to be angry'. If that's what you mean, then I can't really answer that with regard to him. I understand that, but am still working on keeping myself calm. I aspire to the state that Dr. Harley describes as 'not even feeling angry'.

If you mean is he taking steps to short circuit and reroute the learned pattern and instead choose another behavior? Then I would say yes, he's doing that. In fact, we are both working on that.

How is it going fretless?

Are the AO gone?

It really is the main thing to focus on right now.

Anyhow, thinking of you!

I heard Dr. Harley on a radio show recently say that if you work on an anger management program that doesn't teach that noone can make you angry, you should dump the program, because nothing will work if you don't start from that premise.

If your husband hasn't acknowledged this that's not a good sign and I'd say your chances aren't good here.

Not gone, but definitely dialed way down in intensity.

Well, since I have plenty of work to do on myself, that's what I can focus on. If I can accomplish eliminating my AO, that's progress. And such a change in myself would be glaringly notable. So that is where I can place my hope at this time.

Also, I continue listening to the radio program daily, and it's amazing how much of the content is relevant to us! The other area I need to pay attention to is the POJA, and integrating it until it is second nature to me. I need to do better there as well.

I think you need to focus on whether or not he is doing what it takes to eliminate his angry outbursts.

Have you read this and listened to the radio clips in here?
What to do with an Angry Husband

Have you listened to all the radio clips in here?
Anger Management 101

I'm still working my way through this one.

I did listen to all these clips.