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Joined: Apr 2017
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My marriage is on the rocks right now, but I never thought my spouse would cheat on me. The other week, I noticed my spouse had **EDIT** open on the laptop. But then closed it so I wouldn't see it. I didn't know what it was until I googled it. My heart sank when I realized it was an online dating website. I suddenly realized my spouse is either trying to cheat on me or has already done so. Devastated. Totally devastated.

I didn't say anything for several weeks. We're mid 40s. Married 20+ years. When I did mention, my spouse blew it off that a friend in their 20s at work had asked about it. That sounded like a really poor cover up. Who in their 20s would ask a middle aged married person about an online dating website?

So now I have no idea if my spouse is using this site or not. How can I search **EDIT** or similar sites to find out the truth? If my spouse has online profiles? I'm hoping for the best, but bracing myself for the worst. I suspect my spouse is using an email account that I don't even know the email address for and doing so using private mode on web browsers.

Any help appreciated.

Last edited by Mizar; 04/21/17 02:40 PM.
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Originally Posted By: anonymityplease
My marriage is on the rocks right now, but I never thought my spouse would cheat on me. The other week, I noticed my spouse had **EDIT** open on the laptop. But then closed it so I wouldn't see it. I didn't know what it was until I googled it. My heart sank when I realized it was an online dating website. I suddenly realized my spouse is either trying to cheat on me or has already done so. Devastated. Totally devastated.

I didn't say anything for several weeks. We're mid 40s. Married 20+ years. When I did mention, my spouse blew it off that a friend in their 20s at work had asked about it. That sounded like a really poor cover up. Who in their 20s would ask a middle aged married person about an online dating website?

So now I have no idea if my spouse is using this site or not. How can I search **EDIT** or similar sites to find out the truth? If my spouse has online profiles? I'm hoping for the best, but bracing myself for the worst. I suspect my spouse is using an email account that I don't even know the email address for and doing so using private mode on web browsers.

Any help appreciated.


Welcome to MB, anonymityplease. I'm sorry about your circumstances, my situation is not exactly the same but I found out my spouse is cheating on me in January, so I know what you're going through.

You may not be able to detect the truth if private browsing or secret email accounts are being used, but there are other great methods in this Operation Investigate forum to get to the truth. I advise you to apply your investigative techniques cautiously, so that you don't tip your hand. Do not mention the MB forums to your spouse, so that you can effectively investigate and get to the truth.

I'm not one of the pros on this forum, but rest assured that there are many caring people here who will do everything they can to help you. Listen to them. You are in a lot of pain right now, and from my own experience, you will be on the emotional roller coaster of your life. Your own knowledge and experience cannot get you through this alone, you will need the experience and objectivity of the pros on this forum (like MelodyLane, markos, unwritten, SusieQ, BrainHurts, SugarCane, and the many other angels here). Listen to them, they've seen this thousands of times, and know how to apply MB principles to give you the best chance at discovering the truth, killing the affair, and recovering you marriage if that is what you wish to do.

The pros might recommend things that you will find difficult to do, such as to expose the truth. Listen to them, I cannot stress this or repeat it enough. They can guide you to the best possible course of action.

God bless and good luck.

Last edited by abrrba; 04/21/17 04:32 PM.

BH (me) 50, WxW 47
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D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
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Originally Posted By: anonymityplease
So now I have no idea if my spouse is using this site or not. How can I search **EDIT** or similar sites to find out the truth? If my spouse has online profiles? I'm hoping for the best, but bracing myself for the worst. I suspect my spouse is using an email account that I don't even know the email address for and doing so using private mode on web browsers.


I have no experience with dating websites at all, but from what little I have heard of them, perhaps you could perform a few keyword searches of your spouse's interests, hobbies, likes/dislikes. I would think that if your spouse posted a singles ad (or whatever they call it on those sites), enough information like this would be posted that you might recognize your spouse, even if a photo is not posted.

Can you create an anonymous profile on the dating website, and start searching for your spouse? Keep in mind that since your spouse knows you saw what site they were using, they might have deleted it from that particular dating website. I would check the other popular dating websites as well.


BH (me) 50, WxW 47
Married 1994
D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
Divorced Nov 2017
Joined: Jan 2017
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Note, the forums are pretty quiet on the weekends, but one of the pros will certainly reply back to you by Monday.

In the meantime, I recommend you read some of Dr. Harley's articles on this site, the following are great places to start to understand Marriage Builder principles and methods:
Basic Concepts
How to Survive Infidelity

The forum threads (particularly "Surviving an Affair") have a wealth of knowledge, and will help you recognize betrayed spouses in similar circumstances to you. You will see over and over how BS who ignore the advice of the pros end up worse than those who follow the sage advice they selflessly provide.

Finally, I recommend you pick up a copy of Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair". He has many other wonderful books, but that's the one you need most.


BH (me) 50, WxW 47
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Do you have spyware on his devices?


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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For online dating sites you might try a site specific search.
Search for any common usernames he has used on other sites (people are creatures of habit - and re-use these)
email addresses, and also profile photos. Is there a photo of him, that he likes? One on his FB profile? Use reverse image to see if it comes up anywhere else.
For specific sites (list of dating sties below) try a search like:

site:www.PQF.com "Cheat'nBast'd" (note to mods - PQF is not the dating site - I didn't use the real site name to follow the site rules)

change www.PQG.com to the names of the possible dating sites, and the words in quotes to the possible usernames, and email addresses to search for.

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Welcome to MB.

I would recommend you ask the mods to move this thread to the SAA forum. There is a lot more traffic and you need more general affair advice than technical help I think.

The first thing you need to do is *quietly* start to snoop to find out what is going on. Can you put spyware on his devices? Or a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car? Do not alert him to your suspicions or snooping, if there is evidence he will quickly delete it if you do. You want to catch him off guard so you can get the truth.


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