|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
I asked him to move out temporarily. He calls every morning and evening to talk to the kids. When they finish, we stay silent on the phone until I eventually say bye and hang up. We have had one 3-hour Facebook chat about it, because he couldn't face me. I couldn't face him either. And being open about sex has never been an easy thing for us, so not having to look at each other helped. Still, we didn't come to any conclusions, didn't make any decisions. He told me he wants to stay, that he never wanted to go anywhere, just fill this need for sex. And that now it is my decision. We haven't talked after that. I don't know if it's because he believes it will just blow over with time or because he doesn't know what to say. Or he thinks the ball is in my court and I will just decide on my own after a few days/weeks of contemplation. When it comes to wayward husbands, Dr Harley advises that he must come back 'hat in hand' and willing to do whatever is needed to recover the marriage. The way you describe how your WH is responding to you finding out about his (second) affair is not hat in hand at all. He is showing no remorse or effort to recover your marriage or win you back. Would you say this is an accurate statement? Did he willingly participate in recovery the first time, or was it your job to drive the recovery bus? This will not work to recover your marriage. This is the time for you to set your standards high, my friend. Exposure is important no matter what happens. However, recovering your marriage and following EP's will only happen if your WH is on board, and it sure seems like he has no intentions of doing that. So first, you need to set your standards high and require these things in order for him to stay married to you. But second, he needs to be 100% on board with doing them. This doesn't take a conversation, it just takes a 'yes or no' I will come back hat in hand and do whatever it takes to recover and affair proof our marriage. Right now it does not seem like you are willing to set the bar high for yourself. Even if you are, it seems highly unlikely that he will meet it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I think I might have taken it too lightly and swept it under the rug. Hannah, we would like to help you by being the friends who don't let you make this mistake a second time. Have you checked out Dr. Harley's radio show? There is an app you can install for your phone or you can listen from the website. It's free. Dr. Harley is a professional who has been saving marriages and specializing in infidelity for four decades. He gives out an hour of free help every day through the show. This is what saved mine and Prisca's marriage, from an affair and from abuse.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Hannah, what's the hobby? Are you nudists?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4 |
Read this and listen to the clips, especially at the them end of this thread. Serial Cheaters
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 8
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 8 |
Thanks for your input. I will check out the radio show. I do not doubt that MB works. I just wonder if it is the only path to recovery. Maybe this is not for me. As for NC, I demanded NC without my presence. It is ME who is not willing to leave the 'church' (no, we are not religious or nudists  . I cannot make anyone else understand this. I told him to write a letter to the AP ending the affair and letting me read it before sending it. I will consider exposure. I have demanded full access to everything that has made the affair possible - facebook and email passwords, phone records and iphone finder app. I have also demanded IC and MC and we will work through the questionnaires on MB together. I WILL not demand no contact with the opposite sex, no smart phones or computers or any other radical suggestions. It seems absurd. Sorry! I think having access to his email and FB and phone records (i have known his phone code from the beginning) is enough. We spend 99% of our free time together. The hobby we share, we always go together. He works in an almost male-only environment and the only nights apart we do are my work-related when he stays home with kids or his work-related, when he is the woods with MEN (trust me, he is in the military and in a unit that has no females). His workplace is miles away from anywhere and he commutes by a 'workers' bus'. He doesn't really have access to a car or public transport during the day. He doesn't ever do nights out with friends, I do occasionally and he stays home with kids. He was the one who suggested counselling to begin with. He sees sex as his only issue. Sex alone. Our libidos are VERY different. Mine is especially low after the second kid. He confessed that he has been 'helping himself' in the shower for years. We have tried to approach the issue several times in the past and I have been aware of the fact that lack of sex is an issue for him. I haven't done much about it. Not taking blame for his actions and not minimizing the affair, but that's the hard truth. For him, this is our only problem. He wants to do IC and try and work out his issues. But I am not sure what the end result will be. If I have not been able to raise my libido even though I have been aware it's an issue for him, how is he supposed to lower his? We'll come up with a middle ground that will make neither of us truly happy?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788 Likes: 2
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788 Likes: 2 |
He was the one who suggested counselling to begin with. He sees sex as his only issue. Sex alone. Our libidos are VERY different. Mine is especially low after the second kid. He confessed that he has been 'helping himself' in the shower for years. We have tried to approach the issue several times in the past and I have been aware of the fact that lack of sex is an issue for him. I haven't done much about it. Not taking blame for his actions and not minimizing the affair, but that's the hard truth. For him, this is our only problem. He wants to do IC and try and work out his issues. But I am not sure what the end result will be. If I have not been able to raise my libido even though I have been aware it's an issue for him, how is he supposed to lower his? We'll come up with a middle ground that will make neither of us truly happy? Of course he sees sex as 'the only issue'. Men can have sex with anyone willing, women need to be in love. Your low libido is the canary in the coal mine. Eventually it will turn into a full blown sexual aversion if you force yourself. Think back to how things were when he first cheated on you before marriage. I'm betting there was no reluctance on your part and yet he cheated. You are allowing him to gaslight you. By the way, I am English. We have many English people on this forum. You might want to read ChalknCheese's thread for an awesome story of how someone in a small country deals effectively with a serial adulterer.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 8
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 8 |
Btw, there has always been reluctance from my part. A bit less then, bust still quite a few rejections and excuses.
I'll check the thread you suggested. Thanks!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
We spend 99% of our free time together. The hobby we share, we always go together. He works in an almost male-only environment and the only nights apart we do are my work-related when he stays home with kids or his work-related, when he is the woods with MEN (trust me, he is in the military and in a unit that has no females). His workplace is miles away from anywhere and he commutes by a 'workers' bus'. He doesn't really have access to a car or public transport during the day. He doesn't ever do nights out with friends, I do occasionally and he stays home with kids. Yet, you can see the result. EVen so, you are free to reject the suggestions given here. Best of luck to you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
This is not going to end well for you. I'm sorry. I wish you well.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 8
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: May 2017
Posts: 8 |
Ok, this thing here is way too much of a cult for me!
I'm out!
Best of luck to you all!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
I've been called worse.
We value helping people recover their marriages, because we were helped. This program works, when followed. If you don't want to follow it, that's fine. But we care enough about you to warn you of the heartaches we know are coming, because we've seen them come many times.
If that makes us a cult ... well ... shrug. I've been called worse, but I will say I am amused to be labeled such by a lady who refuses to leave a group to save her own marriage.
If you do decide you want our help, we'll welcome you back with open arms.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I think I might have taken it too lightly and swept it under the rug. Hannah, we would like to help you by being the friends who don't let you make this mistake a second time.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
As for NC, I cannot explain it really. Part of it is also cultural - we don't take up and move as easily as people in the States. We are much less mobile - the countries are smaller and job opportunities tend to be concentrated to particular areas, making it more difficult to find work in a different city. We also tend to live close to our families (eg my kids spend at least one weekend a month with both grandparents, in addition to Sunday dinners etc.). So moving for us is not usually a viable option. As our issue is not work-related, but lifestyle-related, at the risk of being sacrilegious, I'll try to put it in terms some people might be able to understand. Imagine you are deeply religious and belong to a very specific church. You raise your kids in that spirit and spend all weekends going to chucrh or volunteering or doing other church-related activities. There are no other similar churches in the entire country. And your husband happens to have an affair with another congregation member (equally religious). So who should leave the church? Where would you go? What would you do with your life?
Sorry if I offended anyone, but this is exactly how important this 'hobby' is to our entire family. It's funny to me that you call this a cult, given that you said you are very familiar with MB and claim to have implemented it years ago after the first affair. Everything that has been posted to you on this forum is exactly what is outlined in Dr Harley's articles and site. So nothing we are posting should come as a surprise to you if that is true. Admittedly you did not follow everything here which has led to your marriage being in the ditch with a second affair. So we are trying to encourage you to actually implement this program in its entirety. BTW, I also find it funny given that you are in some type of "lifestyle group" (???) that you refuse to leave even though the OW is a part of it. That is extremely odd and rarely something we see a BW advocate for - which led me to wonder myself if you were in a cult. Really, just do Plan Hannah and be done with it. It's your marriage and your life. There's no need to insult posters, on your way out the door, who volunteer their free time to try to help you out of the kindness of their hearts because Dr Harley and MB have helped them in their lives and marriages. Gosh. Rude.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Btw, there has always been reluctance from my part. A bit less then, bust still quite a few rejections and excuses.
I'll check the thread you suggested. Thanks! Hannah, a wife's reluctance to make love is not just excuses - there's a serious cause for it that shouldn't be ignored. Dr. Harley has a lot of great help for this situation, starting with this article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.htmlPlease check out what he has to offer, and if you don't find what you need, send him an email on his radio show - and listen to it, daily. Let us know if we can help you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
697
guests, and
49
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
