Mrs. W said to call on you for support�.So here it goes�.. I'm very apprehensive about this program and finding recovery�. my husband was caught and confirmed cheating on me with a prostitute or possibly many on a bachelor party in costa rica��He is also blaming me for almost all of it. our marriage has been in a bad place for a very long time�..almost always been dysfunctional�.help

Hi Jackie, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Can you be specific about your apprehensions?

I want to add that MrsW knows this program inside and out and can be an invaluable aide to you. I hope you listen to her. I personally call on her when I have my own issues.

So I'm just super emotional��i suffer from anxiety and depression and I'm just tired of being weak�..Everytime i ask him anything about it all he gets angry�.one minute I'm desperate to save our marriage�.usually when he threatens to divorce�and then when he decides to be somewhat kind i suddenly find strength and am like, "no this is so wrong" i can't live like this.. He says he will take a polygraph but i can't even bring it up because he will then get angry and retreat to the other bedroom and ask for his space�telling me that Im the one who is putting the nail in the coffin for ending our marriage. The logical Jackie knows i don't deserve this�but I'm afraid

I'm here too, Jackie. I'll throw in my 2 cents in writing from time to time between our meetings and phone calls.

Melody, I could be wrong about this, but since her husband has agreed as late as yesterday at lunch that he will take a poly this week, I have advised Jackie to stop asking him questions verbally, since doing so is just leading to anger and arguments. Instead, I think she should be devising her list of written questions to be given to her husband prior to the poly. Do you agree with this advice?

Mrs. W

I'm very sorry for the reasons that bring you here but welcome. You are very lucky to have Mrs W helping you - she has been an invaluable help to me in the past.

i just don't even know how to bring up setting the poly up? I can't move forward until i know some of the truth. If i don't mention making the appointment for the poly he will just not acknowledge it. In my heart that is my answer anyways. He isn't putting any effort in by not acknowledging taking the test�Should i really have to push someone to follow the steps? especially since i am the betrayed. My logical brain is telling me this is crazy

This is very normal for a BS! When I arrived here, I was crying daily and having angry outbursts (a big no-no and will just make the situation worse).

Posting here and having a plan to follow was extremely helpful.

It is very good that you are having a poly - the fact that your H is blowing up at you when you ask him about it is more proof that you need to have it done. A person with nothing to hide would not get upset at being asked to follow through with it.

Have you set the appointment yet?

I agree with Mrs W here.

I would just go ahead and once you set the appointment, you can even just text or email the time of the appointment to your H.

If he confronts you about it in any way, shape or form, just calmly tell him he agreed and that you expect him to be there and then end the conversation. You do not need to engage in any arguments with him.

If he doesn't show up at the appointment, we can help you at that point but don't worry about it too much for now.

Who should i go through for the appointment?

If he makes threats or gets angry you should ask him to leave. There is no hope if he is angry and abusive and it will tear you down emotionally very quickly. Your husband has to be completely cooperative in order for this to work.

If he threatens divorce, I would tell him you agree that this is where this is going unless he immediately stops the threats and the anger. You should not cooperate unless that stops immediately.

We can help you navigate this if he can get this under control.

In the meantime, I would follow MrsW's advice and write out the questions and hand that to him. Call today and make an appt with a polygraph tester. Stop asking direct questions and let him answer the questions in writing.

Call your local police station and ask them for a referral for a qualified polygraph tester.

Typically a wayward spouse and polygraph testing goes like this:

1. initially enthusiastically agrees to the test. "oh yes, I would be happy to prove my truthfulness!!"

2. when he sees you really mean it, gets concerned. throw some truth "crumbs" out there in the hopes you will believe you have all the truth and will cancel the test

"I have come clean now, the test is no longer necessary! We can't afford $600! I swear i have come clean!"

3. When that doesn't work, he will get abusive and start making threats. "If you don't trust me, then we might as well get divorced!! I refuse to take a polygraph. i would rather move out!!!" He might even pack a suit case and drive around the block to really scare you.

4. when that threat doesn't work and you don't relent, he will start spilling his guts on the way to the polygraph test

Just be prepared for massive gaslighting and be prepared to suck it up and don't allow him to bully you.

Set the appointment, make up your list and go to him. Tell him "this is part of what I will need to recover in this marriage. I have made an appointment for a polygraph test on May XX, at XXXX Polygraph testers. Here is a list of questions i would like answered before the test. I would like to get the full truth before the test. Passing the test will be the first step towards rebuilding trust."

Be polite, bold and forthright. Don't blow up at him. If he has an angry outburst at you, I would not fight with him, but ask him to leave. You can't possibly get through this if he can't control his temper and/or is not willing to do what it takes to help you recover.

^^^That is great advice!!!^^^

And so is everything that ML told you.

I will call Mr. W and see if he has the number of the really great polygrapher in the area that we know of, Jackie.

Mrs. W

In the actual polygraph you will only be allowed to ask 3 or 4 questions. What you want to do is give your WH a list of ALL the questions you have about this, or other infidelities, beforehand and get complete answers. You can narrow down to 3-4 questions for the test, but WH does not need to know which questions will actually be asked on the test.

I would make sure to ask questions about other possible affairs. I suspect there have been more.

exactly!

Are there any children involved between the two of you? And how long habe you been married? Is his abusive behaviour typical?

This will help you with the polygraph. Polygraph Testing

Jackie,

I've been thinking about your situation because it reminded me of how I was when I got here. I was swinging between being very anxious and pushing for answers when talking with my exWH to having AOs to having breaking down and crying.

One of the first things I did when I got here was that I read up on lovebusters and ELIMINATED them. It was hard, so hard to control my emotions and anger when I was SO hurt and confused.

But you know what? All it did was fuel the entitlement and gave my ex exactly the ammo he needed against me, "See, this is why our M is so bad!" etc.

This is of course WRONG. Your WH had an affair/s because he was not exercising extraordinary precautions and leading a lifestyle that would prevent an affair from happening.

But in the end, learning to control my lovebusters was the best thing because lashing out was only making a bad situation worse.

So...go for a walk, post here, call Mrs Wondering when you feel an AO or DJ coming on. And if your WH lashes out at you, walk away! Do not engage him. In fact, it is downright dangerous for you to try to talk to him when he is having an AO.

Hang in there!

Thank you guys both zoo much, last night went better then expected�we are taking the test tomorrow at 2pm�I'm nervous for how I'm going to feel