I am also wondering the same.

I need to make sure I'm covered legally if I leave the house, I don't think I can just kick WW out, I can ask her to leave I guess. I need a solid plan to avoid contact and yet have my time with the kids. A schedule will be difficult to manage but I can figure it out. Any advice on how plan B can work when WW is a SAM?

I see a lawyer on Monday, to have a separation agreement prepared.

Exposure is tomorrow.

I have a few IM ready.

Well, exposure was surprisingly effective. She has ended things with OM but isn't sure our M can be saved. Gotta give her some time to let the fog dissipate. It's been a humiliating day for her, so I'm giving her some space by not over communicating or trying to much of plan a, gonna just let the events of today process. It's clear OM was manipulating her the whole time and thinks everything I say is a lie. I've been able to muster some plan A thru the support I have gotten during exposure.

At this point I've basically told her I'm willing to continue to fight for the M but I'm going to need her to decide and engage. I will clearly communicate a need for EPs and working on MB. My guard is up right now, and I need to not let the hope of restoration distort my decision making.

Any advice as I restart from zero and plan A again?

Some questions for you all this morning, thankfully I was able to actually sleep last night after exposure.

WW is showing 2 personalities, at times I see the W I knew before the A, but mostly I get the angry, fogbabble version. How can I best protect myself from the babble? Right now I'm just not engaging, and it's frustrating for her. Should I just continue that path? Knowing I can't rationalize with her yet?

Like I said early the exposure has brought an upwelling of support from friends and family, especially my in-laws, giving me the strength to start a new plan A. Should I go easy on it until she's had a few days to let the fog and shock of exposure dissipate?

What's the best way to keep myself guarded. My insecurity of losing W and avoidance of her anger usually drives me to concede to her demands out of fear of losing her. At this point I'm struggling to find that middle ground, where I proceed cautiously. I think this is a huge growing area for me to just be confident in what I want, and not concede out of fear of losing my family. I just don't want to fall back into the trap. Thoughts?

Also, now that new info has been revealed, I want to know more details about the A, how much should I ask?

Finally, thanks for all your guidance and support, I know I've been slow to adopt and understand MB principles, but you all have made this second D-day much more bearable, knowing that I have a plan and steps to take, but more importantly people who understand and provide support.

I think you're being prematurely optimistic about this. if I understand you correctly you still live near OM. We've advised you to move, but you haven't done so.

What guarantees do you have that contact between them is no longer possible? Has she given you access to her communications?

How do you know that she ended things with OM? Did she tell you this? Have you seen any evidence of it? Has she written a no contact letter, by hand, that you posted?

You said this in your very first post; that exposure was complete, you hadn't moved, and your wife did not want to commit to the marriage. However, as we warned you and as it later turned out, the affair was not over and was in fact sexually active.

You seem to be in the exact same place that you were in January, saying the same thing and painting the same picture. I think, then and now, you move far too quickly to conclude that the affair is over. As long as your wife can contact OM, and as long as you live near him, it isn't over.

SugarCane - you're right, I should have said 'she says' she ended things with OM, I'm not buying it yet. In order for me to be willing to move forward we need to execute the EPs. Including the NC letter, and I'm actively job hunting in other areas. Prayers that I can land something before next school year is appreciated.

Yes, back at ground zero. My conditions for moving forward are a commitment to the marriage and working the MB program and a willingness to execute the EPs.

At this point if she can't meet the above conditions I am prepping for plan B/D.

Trying to stay grounded and not be overly optimistic with the results of exposure.

Have you asked her to write the NC letter?

We are talking tonight. We haven't had any relationship talks since exposure. Other than her telling me she's done with OM.

Is it ok to give her the above conditions for coming back? Is that a SD?

You should not demand her commitment to the marriage. We've talked about this before. Have you read Surviving an Affair yet - the story of Jon and Sue?

The conditions for recovery are set out in that book, and also constantly circulated on this forum. They have probably been posted to you on this thread. If you want to follow the path with the best chance of making recovery a success, you need to follow Dr Harley's advice, given in that book, to a tee. Don't make up your own conditions, because you could easily cause the marriage to fail when, with patience, it could have succeeded. Your wife's commitment to the marriage might only come when she sees the marriage making her happy.

Also, don't try to push for what you want when you haven't even completed step one. Step one is for there to be total non contact with OM, and this necessitates your moving. You cannot complete step one while you live close to OM, and in the direct vicinity here the affair took place. You brush discussion of moving aside when we bring it up, but your marriage cannot succeed without it.

Ok. Thanks for keeping me grounded. I am actively pursuing a new job and we are also considering moving to the opposite side of town at least that would put 20 or 30 miles of distance

Messy, I think you need to move away from the OM sooner, rather than later. Several months for a job hunt is too long.

Having relationship talks is usually not a good idea, btw.

Let her know that her infidelity is the most painful thing that ever happened to you and that you need to make it impossible for either of you to ever see or hear from the OM again if you are going to recover. Let her know you are going to need to move. Tell us how she reacts to that.

Messy, are you still listening to the daily radio show?

You haven't addressed the question I asked. I see that your counsellor gave you a copy of Surviving an Affair, but did you read it all the way through? If so, what do you understand from the Jon and Sue story, about a wife who reluctantly comes back to the marriage?

You were discussing moving 25-30 miles away when you first came here, in January. You seem to have made no progress on this. You need to attack the issue of moving with much more urgency.

However, being on the other side of the same town might not be enough to make it impossible for your wife to meet OM. Obviously I don't know your town, but you need to do this properly, and not by half measures. If you get this wrong and the affair continues or resumes, your marriage will not survive.

Sorry for radio silence. The last 72 hours have been a whirlwind of activity and emotion. Let me do the best to summarize.

Bottom line, exposure worked. WW & OM were confronted by family, clergy and friends. All saying the same consistent message, the A was a fantasy and had no hope of survival, and that the relationship MUST come to an end. Per documented agreement with WW I stayed out of the house the night of exposure.

The timing of everything was truly God's provision. Through our IC's WW and I identified my previous behavior in our physical relationship as emotional abuse. This identification came on the same day the VAR confirmed the active A. I firmly believe I needed to see the extent of my sin and the damage I had caused in order for us to have any hope of healing. So our path before us has 2 massive issues to address.

Onto our talk. WW's IC recommended separation to allow her space to figure out what she wants. At the beginning of the conversation I was in agreement, basically I had already planned to implement plan B so we aligned. It didn't carry the shock of a plan b letter, but I didn't know how to address it because there are a TON of logistical details that have to be figured out.

The conversation then went onto the A. Here's where God started to show how He makes good from bad. WW had been exhausted from hiding the A, she hated being forced to lie to friends and family, and had been really putting the pressure on OM to make a move forward - either stay with his wife or they were going to leave the spouses and be together. Exposure popped her secrecy bubble, and she was completely humbled and basically told me EVERY detail of the affair.

God blessed me with complete emotional control during the conversation by reassuring me in Him, and allowing me to be secure regardless of the outcome of our M. As WW began telling the details of the affair I became angry FOR her, it finally all made sense, all the things I'd been seeing and feeling the last 10 months were real, OM was completely lying and manipulating WW. Because of the ability to control my emotions in the moment and not have an AO, and in fact connect with WW, 2 things happened. In her words, her anger bubble for me popped and she began to hate OM. Essentially the A was already starting to die a natural death as the fun fantasy needed to become reality for her, but it was never going to. She told me her and OM had started to have arguments about it. Also, her eyes were opened completely to the lies and manipulation from OM. Due to more confirmation that OM had lied to her based on a angry phone call from OMW, WW had an emotional breakdown.

At that point we had previously agreed to sleep in separate beds and I went to bed to give her time to process the grief and emotion. 2 hours go by and WW comes up to get something, and I can see she's a mess, I offered to have her sleep in the bed, at which point she completely comes apart and falls into me expressing her extreme grief and sorrow.

At that point we basically talked openly and honestly through the entire night, until the kids woke. It was the first time in our relationship that we had complete honesty. It's clear to me now that our focus for recovery needs to be the policy of radical honesty. As that has been the biggest hidden love buster for both of us.

At this point we are working through the list of EPs. I have all I need to know about the A, she's committed to no contact, I'm going to request the NC letter (they met to end things after the exposure got out), We are working on EPs particularly the technology. The other thing as you have all emphasized so much is moving. I need to get on that very actively.

So here's where I need help/advice. WW is still contemplating a separation to ensure she really wants to work to save the marriage. According to SAA this isn't the plan, I'd prefer to spend as much time together as possible per the EPs. However, if WW wants the separation I'm not sure what I should do?

Finally, I want to tell WW about these forums and this thread, I know reading through it will be extremely hard for her based on my up and down emotional rollercoaster, and the fact that my anger and frustration with her was poured out in my posts. Is this good? I think per the PORH it should be done, but I'm new to this.

Please advise.

To answer the previous questions. No I haven't finished SAA, I stopped at the recovery phase. I will finish it today. Also, haven't had much time to listen to the radio broadcast the last few days.

I can't believe you've just written this, after all the time you've spent getting advice from us. This whole account has so many things wrong with it that I don't know where to start.

Just STOP doing anything. Do not do anything at all for the rest of today, and ESPECIALLY do not tell your wife about this forum. Her affair is not finished and she will simply learn from our advice that you are spying on her, and that she needs to hide her affair better.

Separation: NO!!!! She wants this to see if she can pursue the affair.

Counselling: NO!!! Stop talking to this counsellor. Your counsellor is encouraging you to give her space, when all that will do is give her the means to continue the affair. Your counsellor gave you Surviving an Affair, but it doesn't seem as if she's read it herself. Certainly she is not getting you to follow the checklist from it. Certainly she doesn't seem to know the first thing about Dr Harley's approach.

They met after exposure: This will happen again. You've been duped.

She cried and had a breakdown because he lied: She had a breakdown because he hasn't stood by her like she wanted him to - but she will go back to him. She can't believe that he didn't love her and there is no future for them.

How do I know this?

She is behaving identically to the married woman in my husband's affair, and you are behaving identically to her husband. I'd started reading this forum by the time I exposed to him, and no matter how much I warned him about her lying to him about wanting nothing more to do with my husband, he chose to believe her "breakdown" and her "come-to-Jesus remorse", and her now-hatred of my husband for lying to her. Upon exposure she wept, she screamed, and she flung herself on her husband's mercy.

About 4 years after the events of that year, it emerged that she had never stopped contacting my husband, who, of course, loved hearing from her. (It wasn't easy for them to meet in person, as we live in London and she lives in Belgium.) In fact, I discovered their contact at the point where they were getting ready to meet again, after 5 years. All contact between ceased upon my discovery, because my husband was retiring and she could no longer contact him at work.

About 5 years after that exposure, she left her husband for a different, divorced man. She had been seeing other men throughout their "reconciliation" and had been simply waiting for the right one who would take her out of the marriage.

Many times, during exposure, I told her husband that she was obsessed, that she was desperately unhappy in her marriage, and that she would continue to contact my husband, but he didn't believe me because of her "breakdown". Yet, for me, the signs were there, in her doctored confession, and her fury at my husband.

The signs are there for you, in your wife's manipulation of the counsellor to get you to agree to separation, and her desire for separation itself. She wants this because she doesn't believe her married man does not want her, and she knows she can entice him back to bed. She believes she can entice him to leave his wife. In her head, they shared too much for this not to be true.

Believe this garbage at your peril. You are very gullible, I'm sorry to say.

MESSY, DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT THIS FORUM RIGHT NOW.