I would tell the 3 oldest. They are old enough to understand. But you can't tell them why she is there and you can't forewarn her. Can you manage this? What have they seen? What do you know?

How did you find out this latest bit of news? And what makes you think she won't take the kids with her to the mall to see her BF?

What does this mean? How are you watching the house?

Under what circumstances were they able to have sex in your house while kids that age were around? What were the kids doing?

I think I can manage it, as far as I know they haven't seen or know anything.

WW confessed more to me last night. I don't know that she won't take kids to see him.

Vars for now, will get video today.

Why do you believe this?

Are you on ADs while you go through this?

I don't know that they haven't seen anything, I hope if there was anything that comes out when they find out.

OM came over after kids went to bed. Unfortunately it happened while I was away for work (I know, ZERO nights apart) I wasn't taking this seriously enough.

Yes, I'm on AD's they are helping me hold it together.

I contacted a Realtor yesterday to get the selling process started.

Have you contacted the OMBW to let her know what you now know?

Did you read this?

Yes, OMBW knows. She knew first about the details (OM confessed) and waited for WW to tell me. Which I'm glad, cause it was the most excruciating pain.

I'm reading/listening to telling the children now

So OMBW told you that it was a PA from the beginning?

Ok, I'm going to tell kids tonight. A few questions.

1. In the radio clip Dr. Harley says do it alone, but that was when the wayward was in denial or used for exposure. At this point WW has confessed to everything and has 'committed' to keep an end to the A. My instincts tell me that we should expose together, with me doing the talking. If it was pre-confession and exposure I would do it alone, but I think at this point it would more beneficial towards recovery if we did it together. Thoughts?

2. Here's what I'm planning to say, please critique:

"DD, I'm going to tell you something that's very hard for me to say, but I promise to walk alongside you as we go through this. Mommy had an affair with OM and was prepared to leave me for OM. Does this help you understand why we left church and the tension you've seen in our home? *Answers*
I want to tell you what this looks like for me, this has been extremely painful and very difficult for me, but I feel God has given me the strength to love your mom, even through this hard stuff, just like Jesus loves us. I'm committed to staying married to your mom. Its going to be hard, we are going to have to go through healing, you need to know that I have my own issues that have hurt your mother that she has had to forgive me for too.
What questions do you have?"

No, sorry, I was the one to catch them, she just got the details filled in from OM before I did from WW. WW has been confessing the painstaking details to me.

Tell the kids alone, and do it days ago.

And tell all your kids except for the 3yo.

No, Dr Harley always recommends the BS tells the kids. It is not beneficial to your marriage for her to be there, it would be a disaster. First off, she is unlikely to go along and will spin the story. Then your kids will never get the truth. Secondly, your kids have to be encouraged to tell you what they know. They have likely been coached to not tell you. Just tell them and then tell her afterwards.


This seems to be addressed to one child. You should tell them all together and should ask them what they know about their mothers affair. Also encourage them to call you immediately if they see their mother contacting this rat again.

I would also leave out the part about you needing forgiveness. Don't muddy the waters with unrelated issues. The point here is to inform them of her affair.

Don't say this to your kids:


Jesus doesn't tell people they have to stay with their spouse through infidelity. Don't give your kids that misimpression. It causes all kinds of untold misery in the world.

Tell your children that affairs are wrong because they are the most painful thing one human being can do to another.

I would drop all the poetic dramatic religious comments. Don't try to make this look beautiful. Recovery hasn't happened yet. There is no beauty now, and you don't know if there is going to be any beauty later. There might be. We'll see. But it isn't there now.

Yes, I was planning to tell DD12 separately, because it will be different for her, then tell the younger ones right after.

I'm not trying to be difficult, but I seriously struggle to not tell them with WW. She has committed to ending the A and wants to work on the M. I think it would be a major LB to do this alone. At this point, I view the exposure to the kids more for their sake than the sake of keeping the A dead (sure that will certainly help), but they have been affected by the tension and I think they need to see WW and I unified on this.

Ugh, you've all pointed out that my instincts with regards to the A were awful, but I'm struggling to not trust my instincts on this one. This is scary...

You need to ask the kids if they've ever seen this man and if you have your WW there they might not feel like they can speak freely in her presence. You ignored all our advice that the affair was still active please don't make the same mistake with following our advice from here on out.