Ok, I understand. Our kids are very familiar with OM, so they will be able to tell me if they saw him.

Ok good you're doing the right thing.

Did you talk to her last night about EPs? Is she writing the NC letter?

I asked her to read them last night and said that we will sit down today and make a plan to implement them. That's going to happen soon. Until that happens, I'm assuming the A is still active.

Last night we spent most of the time comparing notes about OM's lies and finishing up my questions on details. After that I had to take a break because I was sobbing. I didn't have the energy to dig into EPs.

Did you get spyware put on her devices (without her knowing) so you can monitor if the affair is really over?

You are making this much more difficult than is neccessary and will invite needless conflict if you invite your wife. Exposure is always somewhat of a lovebuster but the benefit of exposure is so therapeutic to the damaged marriage that is outweighs the LB. Exposure should never be done with the WW in tow.

Don't tell your wife beforehand, for the reasons I gave. All you will do is cause a fight and that will affect getting the appropriate information to your kids.

Not yet, going to put Mspy on the phone today. Which is why I'm assuming it's still happening...

Ok, I need to sign off for a while. I will check back in tonight. Thanks for all your help.

How do you think picking a fight with her by asking her to expose herself to her kids will help your marriage? And how will that ensure your kids the straight story? Your fogged out wife is a) unlikely to tell them the full unvarnished truth and b) unlikely to agree in the first place. It is better to just do it and tell her later.

It sounds like your main goal in this speech is to assure your children everything is all right. But everything is not all right.

I would get my children alone and tell them "Your mother is dating another man. This is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. We can't stay married unless her relationship with the other man ends forever, because it hurts me too much."

I did it. I feel awful. Kids are upset. WW left.

How is this the right thing to do???

Of course the kids are upset. Suppose you told them you had four weeks to live? Do you think they would have danced for joy? But imagine how they would have felt had you NOT told them you had a terminal illness leaving them to go about their lives not knowing you were about to die? The truth can be painful but it is never wrong.

My XH saw his father tomcatting around during his entire childhood. His mother pretended everything was ok so he grew up thinking that this was normal behaviour in a marriage. The result was that he cheated on me for almost our entire marriage.

The only way to break the chain of behaviour being passed down to your children is to tell them, calmly and factually and to say that it is wrong.

When I discovered the adultery and told my children what he was up to, they cried with relief because the tension in the family finally made sense. Children always know something is wrong. Often they know (as my XH did) exactly what it is that is wrong.

She's taking the kids to her parents for the night. I'm losing it.

No! If she wants to leave, she can. But she can't take the kids.

Tell her she doesn't get to take the kids.

too late. She took them and wont bring them back

I feel like this was a huge mistake.

She is mad because they know the truth. She can't keep pretending around them.

Do you have your written disagreement to her removing the children from the home ( text or email)? Get the VAR and keep it on you. Read the Document thread.

Question: do you think it's a mistake because the kids are upset?

Just calm down! You did the right thing. The kids already knew, didn't they?

You are the one who refuses to lie to children. Don't let her anger convince you telling the truth is wrong.