Hello all,

I am in a marriage where my wife had two past, online indiscretions. I forgave as best as I could and we moved forward. However, I think that I have some form of ptsd that has given me trust issues. We have been married for almost 5 years.

Last summer, I had a high impact motorcycle accident and spent a month in the hospital. I became disabled as a result. I had to spend time in a nursing facility, and almost died from sepsis. These events have given me some mental and emotional issues.

Our marriage has been great, for,the most part. However, intimacy and sex was almost non-existent. This coupled with my post accident issues, I decided to separate. Our house used to be a duplex, and I suggested we each live on a side.

I found myself questioning my decision. My wife seemed upset about the split. I was bouncing between love, sadness, anger, and no emotion at all. I ended up saying mean things that are out of character, and sometimes I felt like a stranger to myself.

A month later, I asked her if she wanted to save our marriage. She became upset and asked me, "Why are you changing your mind now?" Something in the way she said that, triggered my trust issues. I asked her if something happened that would complicate things, and she said no. She left for work, and my anxiety was so bad that I checked her Facebook. I found a conversation that occurred around 2 weeks after we had separate conversation. It was with someone she dated before we got together, and who she had cut contact with because he was not respecting our relationship.

I confronted her, and she swears that they met at a bar with witnesses and just talked. She said she doesn't want to be with him because he is married, that she just needed to talk to someone. I don't know if I believe her. She did state that things talked about with him inspired her to move on.

I asked if she would go to marriage counseling. She agreed, and said that she would approach it with an open mind, but isn't making any promises. I feel that she has already made up her mind, even though our split was recent. The man is on her friend list, she changed her password, and I have no idea if they are talking or seeing each other. I have a copy of the conversation, and thought about sending it to the man's wife, but I don't know how my wife will react.

I feel lost and confused. We have been talking, but she said I am badgering her. She sometimes texts me, but said I was texting her too much. Sometimes she seems nice and open, sometimes short in speech and distant. She quipped the other morning that she wouldn't hug me while I'm shirtless, because "We aren't back there yet." I don't know if she had an indiscretion, is having an affair, or neither and just decided that she wants out now, or what is going on with her. We also have a child together.

Any insihhg6, please...

DamagedGuy

Welcome to MB and I'm sorry for what's brought you here.

You need to put spyware on her devices and see what's going on. We can help you repair your marriage from her past affairs.

Were any of the men that she had the affairs with married? Did you tell anyone about the affairs?

And I just want to caution you about marriage counselors. Read this and listen to the clips in here. Beware of Bad Counselors

Thank you for your reply. The 2nd indiscretion involved a married man, two states away. They also dated, when they were teenagers.

She uses her phone for most internet access. I could put it on her laptop. The Facebook conversation offered on 5/5, and if they are communicating, it is probably via text or some other phone app.

Did you tell the OM's BW (betrayed wife) that she had the affair with?

How did you meet your W?

Can you put spyware on her phone as well? And put VARs and GPS in her vehicle?

And did you save a copy of the Facebook conversation you found? And you need to move back into your marital bed.

I did inform the betrayed wife from the 2nd indiscretion. I did not inform the wife of the man she recently spoke to because I don't know what the consequences will be between my wife and me.

I don't have any access to her phone. She keeps it near. A GPS on the car may help, but I don't know where the guy lives, other than it may be along her normal route.

I want to move back to the marital bed, but I don't think she wants me to, and I don't know how to convince her right now.

I copied the conversation, but it didn't copy the name of who was saying what, though I know. I copied it as both a text and a word document. She said that she wanted to talk to a dear friend, that she felt hurt and lost. He wanted to meet for beers. She said she didn't trust herself, because "you know us." He convinced her to meet. The end of the convo, he asks if she is wearing panties, and says that he will always love and be attracted to her.

I want to show her the conversation and question her about it, but she is already saying that I am badgering her. I have read in places that pushing to talk can come off as needy, and can push people away.

We knew each other from childhood, and we reconnected on Facebook back in 2010.

Were either of you married when you reconnected on Facebook? How/why did your first marriage end? How/why did you W's first marriage end?

We were both legally separated. Mine was very long term, I just hadn't got around to divorcing. She left her husband of 6 years, before we got together. She dated the guy she contacted on Facebook. I question her ability to function in relationships, though things have been grnerally good between us.

She initiated conversation and says she feels emotionally drained because I flip-flopped on the separation. She said that the things I said hurt her deeply and she doesn't know when or if she can get past it, that maybe the marriage counselor can give insight. She said that she is willing to go to counseling to say that we tried.

I feel be at down and exhausted. She is not understanding or is ignoring that my behavior is related to complications from almost dying twice. I think that she just wants out. She admitted that she is being selfish, and that I need to suck it up.

We talked again before she went to bed. I pushed for it. She tried to assure me that the guy she spoke to is not an interest; that'd be has no desire to be with him at all. She said that U am pushing her away because I keep trying to talk about us. I think I need to try to detach until we see the counselor.

Welcome to MB.

Your WW seems to have a pattern of trolling for men on social media. I would not be surprised if there were more than the 3 you know about. It is how she met you afterall, while still legallly married to her first husband.

The problem with this is that she did not just fall into an affair like most people do. Most people simply have poor boundaries around the opposite sex and when someone gets too close emotionally, they end up in an affair. But in your case, your wife is actually looking for affairs. She is contacting ex lovers who are also married 'just to talk.' Well you saw for yourself that she did not just shoot the breeze about the weather, but discussed not trusting herself and not wearing panties. She is actively pursuing these men. She is looking for trouble and it seems like she is consistently finding it.

The first thing you will want to do is get enough information as you can about her current affair, and then expose it wide and far. If you have not read the exposure thread, please do so. I would make sure your first exposure target is the OM's wife. She deserves to know what is going on regardless of whether you and your wife stay together.

I know you have a child together, but 3 affairs in less than 5 years of marriage (that you know of) is a serial cheating pattern of behavior. It is possible to change this behavior, but that does not happen through blind trust. It happens through setting up extraordinary precautions that do not ever give her the opportunity to cheat again. If she is not willing to live this way ( or if you are not, I know I wouldn't be), I would cut your losses and move on.

Read this and listen to the radio clips in here Serial Cheaters

Stop talking to your WW about your relationship for now. Get the spyware put on all her devices and quitely snoop to get the evidence.

Also, read this Start here first-SAA

And notify the MODS to have your thread moved to SAA.

Do you have the books Surviving an Affair?

I'm trying not to talk about the relationship. I will try to check out the threat and listen to the clips later today.

She seems like she is open to fixing our marriage, but I can't truly tell if she is just go8my through the motions. She is now walking to make a bank deposit and supposedly meet with her mother and cousin for breakfast at the local diner, and then go shopping for the day. The problem with this, is that when I had the chance to snoop her facebook, I read the messages with one of her more recent female friends, and while my memory is clouded, it looked like they were joking about the friend introducing her to someone. My wife said that she would have to meet that person at the diner to not make me jealous. I'm trying not to take that to heart, because of the probability that she would be seen and it would get back to me, but I am so nervous that I feel sick.

I am having a difficult time handling this. I don't know if I should confront her about that, especially if she is truly with he4 mom today, or just wait for counseling.

Of course you are having a hard time. Infidelity is devastating. But confronting her would be the worst thing you could possibly do right now. Not only will she lie but she will take her activities further underground meaning that your spying will no longer work.

You need to be strategic. Even if you decide not to save the marriage, you need to know what she has been up to and with whom. Read the thread and listen to the clips.

I don't know that I will ever know for sure. I just want to stop feeling nervous, sick, and hopeless so that I can put on a front of strength and move forward, no matter what happens. I don't want to wallow in misery, so that I can be there for my kids.

I have a bike blessing this morning. I will check out the threat and clips when I get back home.

When can you get spyware put on her devices? You will always be wondering until you know the truth and you will not know until you put the spyware on all her devices. Stop talking to her about your relationship and quietly snoop. In the start here thread it explains about Plan A (being the best husband without making love busters). Read up on that.

With the conversation with her girlfriend, it definitely sounds like she's up to something and has many wayward tendencies. But don't ask her because she is going to just lie and and spin the story. So no use asking, just get the information. Also, Dr. Harley would recommend you talk to your doctor about getting some temporary ADs to get you through this tough time.

The only device I can put spyware on is her laptop. I do not ever have access to her phone.

I was on Cymbalta and trazadone because of the mess I was in as a result of the accident and becoming disabled. It was horrible for me, and I had a lot of negative side effects while trying to get off of them. They can cause suicidal ideations, and I'm feeling too dark to risk it.

I've been throwing myself into my music and lyric/poetry writing because I stop feeling like crap for a little while. I'm trying to get out and be with friends and go to concerts.

When can you put the spyware on it? Can you get her phone when she sleeps since you're still living together? What about the VAR and GPS?

Did you read about Plan A? Here What are Plan A and Plan B