We are sleeping in separate rooms. I will look into VAR and GPS.

How do I make myself stop thinking the worst?

Can you talk to your doctor about adjusting your ADs?

I don't know that AD's will help me with the constant barrage of "what if" thoughts.

They will help balance out your emotions and that's why Dr. Harley recommends them. With your disability are you able to do any exercising? How are you sleeping and eating? Once you know what she is really doing Dr. Harley has a MB plan for you to follow and that will help tremendously.

When will you be putting the spyware on her devices? What plan can you come up with to get spyware on her phone?

I am trying to exercise, but I have chronic back and leg pain. I am not eating or sleeping well at all. I try to force myself to eat. I was overweight when the accident occurred, at 220lbs. I'm probably down to 150-155. I was tortured over the choice I made to separate, and the stupid and mean things that I said. I hurt her deeply. I spoke with someone close to her who said that my wife was crying near the beginning. It pains me that I did this and that she is afraid that with my issues, I may leave again if we try to work it out.

I have to look into spyware, but it really will be impossible to get to her phone. I did locate a VAR, and it is set up and velcroed to the back-bottom her post on the side she sleeps. I,will review it tomorrow. I'm more paranoid, because of she isn't having an affair, and she finds it, she will be done with me, and people will think that I am a crazy stalker.

Read this Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage?

The thing is, she considers us separated (because I initiated it and said many hurtful things over a month's time.) We had an open book policy when together. She will not forgive me, even if there is no affair.

What, precisely, is an "open book policy"?

Before I said I wanted to separate, the policy was transparency so that if I wanted to check her phone, email, or facebook, or if she wanted to check mine, we could.

After a melancholic day, I felt better and my frame was stronger. She started texting me about her day, told me when she would be home, and sent me a pic of the event she was at. When she got home, she showed me what she bought and shared a piece of chocolate with me. I was feeling anxious and down while talking her her, but I think I kept it hidden.

Earlier I wrote her a 3 page letter, but I didn't give it to her. I find it to be therapeutic. She did glance at it, as it was on the coffee table, but she didn't read it or ask about it. I did not bring up our relationship, and neither did she. I did talk about wanting to practice driving, as my accident has added complications. I said that part of my issue was feeling like a burden, and that I would like to resume some responsibilities.

I'm still nervous, because I know that she wants to remain as friendly as we were as a couple, but I CANNOT do that if we aren't together. I have too much dignity for her to give up on our marriage, enter into a physical relationship with someone else, and then treat me like one of her girlfriends. It would be far too painful. I will have to cut her off and only speak about our son.

I am now barraged with thoughts that worst has happened. At one point, she wanted a legal separation. I was utterly sad for most of today, but these thoughts (unwarranted since I don't have proof,) have me feeling defensive and angry.

This might be a result of my issues I now have due to the trauma from the accident and the sepsis. I had a fever of 105.3, and was in a coma for a few hours. It was the 2nd time I almost died, the 1st being the accident itself. I don't know. Is it normal when your spouse is on the fence about reconciliation, and MAY have had an affair, to bounce between sadness, desperation and pain, anger, defensiveness, and the desire to go public?

I so very worried about what may be on the VAR tomorrow, if anything at all. This is maddening.

Hi DG, welcome to Marriage Builders. The others have given you good advice but I wanted to ask about what brought on the separation. Why did you separate? Did you separate because she wouldn't have sex with you? Is that what happened?

Both you and your wife have concepts about marriage that are very faulty. Do you want to try using Marriage Builders principles? Educate yourself. Explore the marriagebuilders.com website. Read the books. Start with "Surviving an Affair" and "Lovebusters", then "His Needs, Her Needs". We will be happy to walk you through the process.

Sex was infrequent as was intimacy. After talking with my wife, I understand that she was under a lot of stress with our business, and our son who is special needs.

I separated because of that, plus I was just not thinking clearly. The trauma I endured had me messed up, mentally. She is not seeing that, only the things that I said. I was trying to find my way back to her, and it took me a month to ask for another chance.

She just admitted to me that a man asked her out for coffee, and that she didn't give him a definitive answer, because she is torn.

I couldn't help but talk about us, this morning, because I am feeling insecure about where she is at as I am committed to getting us back on track and building a stronger marriage. I asked not to give up on us yet, and to please not go on that date, because I don't know if I could handle it enough to continue to fight for us.

I also said that I want our family back together and that I didn't want our son to be in a broken home situation.

She is here and I can't get to the VAR yet.

To add to my last post:

I have hope because of she is telling me the truth, she has not slept with anyone, and did not agree to the date yet. Saying that she is torn is good in that a part of her is holding on.

She went out to mow the lawn, and I was able to review the VAR. I am amazed at th3 clarity of what was recorded. All that was on there were our conversations. If she was communicating with anyone, it was via Facebook or text.

I may put it back, or try to put it in the car. She will not text and drive unless it is voice to text.

I'm not sure how to proceed. I made it clear that I don't know if I can fight for the marriage unless I know that she is willing to wait. I gave her an out by saying that if she wants to see if the grass is greener, she should tell me so that I can just focus on myself. I also said that it will be tragic if she decides to leave and date and decide later that she wants to be with me, because I have serious issues with someone being with other people after we have had a relationship.

She still wants to go to the counselor, but I don't think I can handle it if she chooses to go on that date.

This is exactly the opposite of what you have been advised to do. You are free to do what you wish but If you decide to use this site, I suggest you start at the beginning. Otherwise this is going to be a total mess and you might just as well give up now.

Hi Damaged Guy, you seem to be totally convinced that if you find evidence of your wife going on a date with another man then everything is over. But this site is all about how you can fix marriages after terrible betrayals - and even deliver a far better relationship than you had before. That is what Dr Harley's program for surviving an affair is all about.

We all get married believing that our partners won't cheat, or that we wouldn't accept that behaviour from them (as if anyone would if given the choice?!). But when you find yourself in this situation you suddenly realise that, contrary to what you might have believed before, betrayal does not make you suddenly want to give up on your marriage. Many people find that they are prepared to work really hard to get their spouses back, and fix the issues that might have contributed to marriage breakdown, even though their spouses have caused the kind of hurt that was previously unthinkable.

This forum is an amazing source of guidance if you really do want to try to fix your marriage - but you seem to be leaving that decision up to your wife who doesn't know what she wants. The best way to start getting yourself out of this depressing limbo you seem to be in is to decide what YOU want and then put in place a plan to achieve it. This forum will guide you on that plan every step of the way.

I know I am screwing this up. I trying to center myself and become focused. My desperation is on the cusp of madness.

I'm going to be starting at the beginning with this site when I have a chance to do so. Heavy reading is difficult on my phone, so I need to wait for a chance to use my laptop. Since there is no evidence of an affair just yet, and we are both living under the same roof, I am not in no contact mode.

After she is done with the lawn and what not, we are going out to eat together, and buying new mower blades. I will try my damnest not to bring up the separation or reconciling. We will spend time together, while I try to be the old me who I know she misses.

I am going to get help for my PTSD asap, so that she will see that I am serious about improving me. Initiating the separation and causing my wife so much pain shocked me and made me realize that I do not want to lose her. What I did to her is killing me inside.

The bbq that she was going to (and possibly stay over if she had too much to drive) got canceled, and that is a load off of my mind.

I can deal with the physical ramifications of my accident, but damn these internal ones. Until I can really delve into the site, is there any advice on how I should deal with her being on the fence about the date? I think that my wife mentioning it, while it stung really bad, might be a good sign that she is being honest and opening up. She also keeps using words like "we," and "us," referring to me and her. I need to learn to deal with it if she does stray. I want us to work, and it is going to be hard to know if there is an OM.

This is what I was afraid of, because separating from a female spouse over a lack of sexual fulfillment and intimacy will result in the exact OPPOSITE. It makes it much less likely you will ever get those things and are more likely to cause a sexual aversion. Women who have sex with their spouse when they have no desire often end up with a sexual aversion.

Has she felt pressured by you in the past to have sex with you? Does she feel like the separation was done to punish her?

I am bringing this up because this is likely a big issue in your marriage. If you separated over it I would wager she won't soon forget that you punished her over her lack of desire.

I would find out as much as you can about this guy and her relationship with him so you can put a stop to her affair. Can you ask her who this is?

I would also think very hard about how you can become a healthy, viable spouse for your wife. You have put her through hell and now is the time to be presenting an attractive front.