Hi, I'm new here. My H and I have been married 7 years and have 3 kids ages 2-5. He works a very demanding job with long and unpredictable hours and I stay at home and manage the household. I discovered Marriage Builders a few days ago and have done a ton of reading and am suffering from information overload at this point. A month ago I discovered that my H had been engaged in what could be considered an EA with someone from his workplace. He has cut off contact with her and arranged for her accounts to be managed by someone else. He acknowledged that the OW is not the issue but that we've lost our love for each other and need to learn how to love each other again. My H wants us to do marriage counseling, but I am terrified that it will only make things worse, in addition to draining our savings. I am very passive and usually just go along with whatever he wants me to do, even if it causes me pain, so I am not sure how to introduce this program to him. He is very resistant to ideas I've read in books or on the internet in general. I thought I might introduce the Seminar/DVD program as an alternative to the marriage counseling, as the cost is the same as what the initial counseling appointment would be, and maybe it would satisfy his need for something more tangible than a book full of words (he's not much of a reader.) I was hoping someone might me able to lead me to how others have sucessfully introduced the idea to their spouse. I tried to get him to watch the videos on here but he watched the infidelity one and couldn't get past the part where he needs to quit his job due to the A because his job is the most important thing in his life right now. Advice on how to get him on board is much appreciated!

Hello GG, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. You seem to be jumping ahead in the process and it is important to back up and get yourselves into a position where you CAN recover your marriage.

You are not at a place where you can begin recovery because he still works with the OW. What you are trying to do would be like sending the alcoholic into the bar every day, changing the name of his drinks to "workplace drinks" and expecting him to get sober. It will never happen.

The FIRST step will be for him to end all contact with the OW. That means leaving his job. The longer this contact goes on, the more entrenched the affair and the harder it will be to save your marriage.

Is the OW married? Has the affair been exposed?

And that is a problem. He has to choose his job or the marriage. Can't have both.

I don't know much about the OW but she isn't married. I haven't exposed to anyone yet and H has only exposed to a couple of coworkers so that they can hold him accountable/take care of OW's stores. I was thinking we should expose to my MIL and I could tell some friends/people from our church, but I don't want them feeling sorry for me. The affair is over, DH is very remorseful and wants to move forward and learn to love me again. OW had been sending him personal texts for months and wouldn't listen when he said no, and he eventually gave in and started texting back with her. (She is not the first and surely won't be the last woman hitting on him at his job) He says he feels so badly about just talking to her and can't even begin to imagine how he'd feel if he had done any more than that. He can't/won't quit his job right now. He is in a position where he is technically under qualified for his job and would need certification in order to be able to support our family on the same level at a different company. He has been working toward that certification but honestly it requires taking a test that we both wonder if he'll ever be able to pass. His employer has many locations and his and OW's duties only overlap at a few stores, so he has asked someone else to handle her stores. He is terrified to continue to have any contact with her as he doesn't want to lose his job over this. His job and this particular company are very important to him. Honestly if I told him it was me or this company I'd be surprised if he picked me because he is not in love with me anymore and he strongly believes that this job is the only way he'll ever be able to make a living and support our kids. If quitting his job is the first step I might as well give up right now.

It feels like I'm in competition with his employer rather than an OW. Honestly, everything about our lives would be better if he had a different job. As difficult as it will be for me, I think my only option here is to go back to work myself so that there will be less of a burden on him should he decide to quit. I quit my job in the first place because his was so demanding that he was never home to help with any other tasks of life, and it was killing me to do it all myself and never spend any time with my kids, especially for what little I was bringing home after paying for childcare.

He is currently oot for work, which gave us the opportunity to have a good phone conversation about everything and I had the courage to discuss MB with him a little more in depth and he sounds like he will be willing to give it a try. I have ordered the Surviving an Affair book, so hopefully that will help us develop a plan to move forward. I've told him about my plan to go back to work to take the pressure off of him, but even then he doesn't think he'll be able to find something else to support us. I appreciate you taking the time to read my story and give advice.

Edit to Add: We talked a lot about his job and the things it is causing him to sacrifice, and he just really honestly feels like if we have to sacrifice everything, our marriage, our happiness, whatever, so that our kids are supported financially. Clearly this is the big issue that we need to work through.

I agree very much. You should give up. There is one thing you might try before you do this and that is take Dr. Harley's advice in the case of a workplace affair:

here

If he won't quit the job, Dr Harley would recommend that you separate from him after 3 weeks.


The affair should be exposed to your family and friends by you without forewarning him. Any children over age 4 should also be informed.

This is putting the cart before the horse. You must do step ONE beofre you can move to the next steps. The first step is end all contact with his OW. He must first leave that job before you can follow the MB plan. Another important step will be to never spend the night apart again. Here is the checklist from Surviving an Affair.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

The most important thing to your children is their parent's intact, happy marriage. Their lives will be destroyed if you get divorced and that is exactly where you are headed right now.