I didn't pressure her into sex. I respected her every time I was rejected. I did try talking to her about it on numerous occasions.

I asked her who asked her out on the date and won't tell me. She said that all he knows is that we are separated. I think that half of her heart is still in our marriage since she did not give him an answer. She said it would have been coffee and pie at the diner, but we all know that that is how it starts.

My issue is that since she has agreed to counseling yet goes on the date anyway, she is going to pull out completely, and I am going to be in tremendous pain.

I take responsibility for separating and saying hurtful things. I was not like this before and hate myself for it. Seeing her in pain is one of the worst things, and I did that to her. I am ashamed of myself. I am hoping for a second chance to be in her heart again, it is just that her dating while we go to counseling seems too much to bear.

Even though I screwed up and talked about us this morning, we have been having a good day, even though we aren't using words like "babe," and "love," and we are not touching. But we keep saying "we" and "us," throughout the day. She was working on making a fire pit, and I went out to look at it, and she said, "I thought it would be nice to have fires out here."

My fear is that since she still desires my close friendship, despite what I did and said, she may decide to date others which would more than likely lead to sex. I can't do that to myself. If there is no winning back her heart, I will have to detach.

But she would have felt very pressured if you talked to her about it - and punished - if you separated over it. What was the goal of the separation?


Is there a reason she feels entitled to go out with men? She does know she is married, right?

My suggestion would be to find out who this is and bust up her affair. Once you do that, you will have a chance to save your marriage and overcome the damage done.

I talked about it once in a while, I didn't badger her about it.

I stupidly said, "I release you from your vows." It is hard to explain, but I have been all over the olace, mentally and spiritually since the accident and the sepsis. I didn't mean it, and the damage is done, unless she can forgive me, and believe that I will not hurt her like that again, and that I am still in love with her. She reminded me that I said it. I had forgotten. I have not been myself, and my memory is messed up since the trauma, but it is slowly getting better.

We went out to dinner at a local place instead of the original plan to go out of town. It was nice and we talked about regular stuff, just not as much as we used to. Relationship stuff came up, but it was brief. Basically my wife and her friends are having a hard time understanding what changed, and why I want to reconcile. It is frustrating because I am damaged and was going through a crisis, realized that I made a mistake, and want my wife back.

Just now, somebody called her and she went outside with the phone...

What was the reason you gave her for wanting to separate? I still don't feel that I understand your situation. What exactly did you tell her when you decided you wanted to separate?

And who took care of you if you were disabled? When did you separate?

We separated around April 17th. I said that because of my disability and that our marriage was more like a platonic friendship that maybe she would be happier without me. I can't remember the exact words, but I regret them with all of my heart. She was helping me, I had an aid, and in home physical therapy.

For months I was on heavy opiates and other medications, slept either briefly or for up to 15 hours a day, and took many naps. I have had chronic back, wrist, and leg pain. I was bouncing between bouts of crushing depression, feeling normal for brief periods, feeling nothing, feeling anger, and my perceptions about my wife, how much she was doing for me and our family, were just messed up.

I'm losing hope. I am my worst enemy and I can't stop myself from talking about things. I'm pushing her away. I asked her to please set aside a timeframe before choosing to date. She left angry. But before, She said that she is willing to go to counseling to see if she can find a way to forgive me and see if we can work things out.
She also said that if she wanted to date, as far as she is concerned, she can because I said that I released her from her vows. On how I wish that I never did any of this.

I know that I need to stop talking to her about us. I am angry with myself that I can't get a grip.

This is confusing, because if a marriage is platonic, how does "separation" resolve this? Was separation supposed to change this? Or were you done with the marriage and if that is the case, why separate and why not get divorced?

You say the relationship was platonic, what were you doing to romance her and change that?


I read this and it is clear to me why your marriage was "platonic." How could it be otherwise when you were severely ill?

What was your strategy with this separation? What did you hope to achieve?


I agree you are your worst enemy but I think we can help you if you are very honest. I still don't understand your story.

I'm not sure what else I can say. I was feeling hopeless, felt like my wife loved me but wasn't in love. It wasn't just a lack of sex, but intimacy. Even before the accident, she couldn't take compliments. Leading up to the separation, she was angry a lot. While in the hospital, I became paranoid that I wouldn't be able to perform, and once home, we did try to have sex once, at I had trouble. I now know that it could have been the opiates. But she said that she didn't need sex. She might have been trying to make me feel better, but I couldn't perceive it at the time.

I was going through bouts where I was saying that I wished I had died in the accident, and that she deserved a man that was whole. I was just severely depressed and self-loathing. When I decided to separate, my mind was a mess, and I thought that we would both be happier.

I wrestled with it every day, and we tried to talk, but I kept coming off wrong while trying to explain what I was feeling, and it made her feel worthless. I went out with friends and went to a couple of concerts during this time, and played music with a buddy of mine, trying to get out of the house and try to live. But I would constantly feel sad and upset with myself that I left her and said things that I regret.

A month after, I tried talking to her about reconciling, and she cried and asked, "Why now? Why are you changing your mind?" And since, when we have talked, she often gets angry and yells, and beats me down. She will also sometimes cry and say that I hurt her deeply and rejected her.

She says that she is keeping an open mind about counseling, but I fear that she is just going through the motions. She told me about the guy asking her out, and I don't know if she is trying to be honest, or if a part of her wants to hurt me back. I'm scared that because of what I did, and that it was over month, that I may have lost her forever. It hurts to think that she wants to move on, relationship-wise, but still stay friends, and she is mad at me for the times that I said that for my own mental health, that I just cannot do that if she moves on. I know that I am being selfish, because a part of me thinks that if her love and our marriage was strong before, she would forgive me and work on our marriage together, plus go to counseling.

DG, what happened is that your wife fell out of love. Your language in this paragraph is very manipulative and I would caution you against using it against your wife. It will make the situation worse. Your marriage was not strong. She was not in love. You were right when you said that you felt she loved you but was not in love. That is because you weren't meeting her needs. That is understandable because you were ill. Also, If she had 2 emotional affairs, that would be a contributing factor. Separating from her would have been very destructive to your marriage.

You can turn this around by working to make her fall in love again. People fall in love according to how well their needs are met and you have a chance to do that.

I would strongly caution you against going to marriage counseling, though, because marriage counselors are little more than divorce facilitators. They have no idea how to save a marriage. Most don't believe in romantic love.

I would start first by sending her a love letter, apologizing for your past behavior and asking for another chance. You will have to fight for her if you want her back.

I would write her a letter and post it here so we can give you feedback. Here are some sample letters, just write it to suit your situation:

Dear WW,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Sally possible. I understand that I did not do a good job of making you happy. I know the mistakes I made and we are now suffering from that.

You told me earlier that you do not want our marriage back. I agree with you. I don't want that old marriage back. I am not willing to remain in a loveless, unfulfilling marriage either. But I do know a way that we can turn that around if we are both willing. I would be willing to try under certain conditions. I know others who have turned marriages much worse than this into romantic, happy, fulfilling marriages. That is what I want.

And wouldn't the ideal solution be for us to be in love again? That would be my ideal. I want you to know I have a plan to turn this around if you are willing.

In the meantime, I have given much thought to our separation agreement and have decided against it. I can't think of any good reason to leave my home so I won't be going anywhere on Friday. I will cooperate with any plans that are good for our marriage, but not with a separation.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

All my love, tbs

Dear Husband,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that has made our marriage so unhappy. I know that my demands have made you unhappy and I am committed to change.

I want us to have a happy fulfilling marriage but I do not believe that can happen until you address and resolve your angry outbursts. It causes me immense stress when my complaints are not addressed or they are addressed with anger.

The situation with your ex-wife has caused me enormous pain and suffering. I am asking that you cut off all contact with your ex-wife and get visitation rights with your children that can include me. It concerns me terribly when you go to her home and I cannot continue to live like that.

In the meantime, I don't feel safe living together under these circumstances and would like to separate. If you would resolve your anger, resolve the visitation issue to my satisfaction and go through a marriage recovery program, I would consider reconciliation. Until that happens, I will have to separate from you and maintain contact via email and phone calls.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

All my love,

Did you listen to the radio clips in here?

]
This is very repellent and won't inspire her to work on your marriage. If your "love and marriage" was strong before you wouldn't be separated in the first place. Your damaged marriage is not a reason for her to "forgive" you OR go to counseling.

She will want to work on the marriage if you give her a good reason to do so. Such as a commitment to create a happy, romantic marriage. Guilt manipulation and a pretense that your marriage was "strong" will backfire on you.

She claims that she was in love with me at the time I initiated the separation, but that she is not in love with me now. Just nine months ago, we were making plans for the future. I also think that because of the I treated her over the past month, her friends are influencing her, but I cannot be certain.

I wrote a three page letter, but she ignored it. I don't think that she will read another one that I write at this time. The only thing that she is agreeing with is the counseling, and I think that she needs to hear from a professional about how my PTSD played a factor and that I was in crisis.

I'm not trying to manipulate her. It is difficult to talk when feeling desperation. I did tell her that I wanted to rebuild our marriage and create a stronger one. However, if she decides against reconciliation and we continue to live in the same house and she starts dating other men, it is going to kill me. I don't know if I have the strength to fight for our marriage under those circumstances. I truly want to save it, but I am still dealing with random bouts of depression, insomnia, and irritability. That situation might be too much. My disability allotment is not enough for me to move out anyway, so I am fearing that a lot of suffering is coming my way.

I am so damn ashamed that I caused this, and I am paying dearly for it.

I am going to listen to the clips in a few. She left to go watch a movie with her girlfriend, and I am now using my laptop.

That will be a disaster. She doesn't need to hear about your PTSD, she needs to hear about what you will do to create a happy, romantic marriage. Reminding her of your past problems will only push her away. That is not a smart strategy.

Pandering sympathy will not attract her; it will repel her.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to focus on being pleasant and attracting her back. What will you do FOR HER? Will you love her and cherish and devote your life to making her happy? Talk of PTSD and the bad times won't help you.,


Your comment was very manipulative. I would drop that kind of language entirely.

Do you want help or not? I don't think you have good instincts about all this and if you are not here to listen to advice, I will move on.

What was in your three page letter? Can you post it?

I'm sorry, I am just down and exhausted. I do want help. I'm just trying to give as much information as possible.

Here is the letter. The 1st line, "As I write this letter, I don't know if I will give it (the letter) to you." This was because I was writing it for therapeutic purposes because I am trying not to badger her about the separation and my desire to reconcile. Much of it was rambling. I was just writing thoughts; pouring myself out, so to speak. It was three pages because it was handwritten.

Dear ****,

As I write this letter, I don't know if I will give it to you. I know that you want me to stop talking to you about us, and what I have done. I am trying to respect your wishes. I admit that it isn't easy. After a month of hell, for the both of us, I know that we are both emotional.

You keep asking me what changed my mind. You did, ****. As I spent time alone, or trying to be alone, wondering why I was doing what I was doing, I found myself missing you, terribly. I know that it is difficult for you to understand the internal things that I have been going through. I didn't understand them myself. I was trying to rationalize things, and I hurt you in the process. For this, I feel deep regret and I feel sick about it. Even through these darkest of days, I honestly was trying to find my way back to you, as well as a way back to myself, for I was feeling lost.

For a time, as I had been telling you, I felt like I had become a burden to you and our family. I went from being able to help with the shop, transporting (my son, her stepson,) taking care of (our son,) our yard and house; to being with you as I was everyday, to not being able to do any of those things. I felt horrible about it. Hopeless. I did for a time, wish that I had died. I am utterly sorry that I put that on you. I was not myself.

While I pressed through the last few weeks, bouncing between moments of high energy, exhaustion, numbness, and sadness, I never stopped thinking about you and us. I know that what I did upset you and made you cry. I was also suffering. I bowed my head and cried at the (concert,) and later told (my friend) that it was a (medication) reaction. I didn't know how to come back to you while I was going through this.

I ended up lashing out and saying those terrible things. I know that you are unsure if you can believe me, or even trust me now, though it is the truth that I didn't mean those things. I know that they hurt and cannot be unspoken. I am just hoping that your hurt dissipates, and that you can forgive me.

The month sleeping apart was a self-induced wake-up call that I indeed have internal issues as a result of the accident, and possibly the sepsis. I hope that you can find it in your heart to give us another chance. We have been through so much, and we always stayed on top of it all, against all odds. I know that we can do it again.

I cannot thank you enough for agreeing to go to marriage counseling. I appreciate it very much. I know that you think that I don't appreciate you. That cannot be further from the truth. I do appreciate you, ****, everything about you, and everything that you do. It was difficult for me to both remember and see that while I dealt with the aftermath of what happened. Things were cloudy for me, and the physical pain, the mental and emotional stress, everything became unbearably cloudy.

Reflecting on these things during the last few weeks, and hearing you reminded me of these things, while getting me to see how much I hurt you, has helped me to snap out of it. I know that I will need help while the old me continues to come back.

I do not like this version of myself. I am ashamed and feel guilt for the things that I said. It isn't who I am. ****, please know that I truly love you, and would never have done these things if my head was on straight.

I miss being with you. Sleeping next to you with my arm around you. I miss listening to your voice when you come home, or when we talk to each other on the phone. I am guilty of taking you for granted. I complained about going to the store all of the time. The truth is, I am missing our little trips. We always talked and never ran out of things to say. I miss you would reach over and hold my hand. I miss the kiss goodnight. Our daily hugs. Staring into your eyes... There was intimacy, yet I was blind to it. I am so sorry.

I want my (petname) wife, and I want to be your (petname) again. I want to hear your ****isms. I want us to raise (our son) together. I want to be not just the husband that I was, but a better one. We love each other. I have faith in us that we can build a better, stronger relationship and marriage.

I know that you need time. It is my hope that with forgiveness, patience, counseling, and love, we find our way back into each other's arms again. I suggested trying to save our marriage because I know we love each other, and I saw through the fog and want you in my life.

We have been married for almost 5 years, together for almost 7. I hope with all of my soul that the accident was not the death knell for our marriage. I would view that as a sorrowful tragedy. I know that together, we can overcome this.

I promise to do what it takes, and I ask the same. You have been telling me things that I needed to hear. I cannot change if I don't know what may be bothering you (this is because she brought some things up I wasn't aware of that stressed her out.)

I love you, ****. You are my (petname.) I regret being a total (expletive.) I am better than that, and I am focusing.

Love,

DamagedGuy (Your petname)

DG, that is a darn good letter! It is very positive and hopeful. I was concerned you had sent her a negative letter asking for sympathy.

What I would suggest is that you focus on winning her back. Don't bring up PTSD, illnesses, or anything negative, but do your best to present a very attractive front while you fight her affair.

When she brings up the "vow" thing, tell her that was crazy talk on your part and remind her you are still married and if she dates anyone it will be considered infidelity. You need to RUN OFF any man that she has anything to do with.

Are you able to hold down a job? Are you working?

Thank you, MelodyLane. She hasn't read the letter, and I'm not sure that she is going to. She said that she saw it on the table, and ignored it. If I tell her that seeing someone else is technically infidelity, she will become more angry as she doesn't see it that way, and I'm sure that her friends and family who support her won't see it that way either. She will also accuse me of trying to manipulate her. I agree with on this, I just don't know how to tell her this.

Plus, I still don't know how I will deal with the pain of who moving on so quickly with someone else. Even dating will make me a wreck, because I will assume that sex will follow. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. She did say she wanted to date; past tense. I don't know if forgiving me an accepting my temporary insanity will be enough for her to reconcile. My gut tells me that she wants to see if the grass is greener.

I cannot work at this time. I can't stand for hours and my walking is limited, and I have chronic pain in my leg and knee which painkillers don't touch, and back pain. Even sitting in certain chairs is difficult right now. All of the jobs that I ever had involved me being on my feet and being active. I am on disability.

So give her the letter and ask her to read it. She may not have a positive response right now but it will plan seeds.


Our goal is to help you save your marriage, not to avoid making her angry. A married woman going out wiht men is INFIDELITY. If she sleeps with the man, it is considered ADULTERY in every court in this land.

It's ok if she doesn't see it that way, the point is that you make it clear it is infidelity and that you will fight for your marriage. She is your wife and dating other men is extremely hurtful.


I would focus on finding an occupation that you can do. There are things you can do and you need to find them. Not working is a life wrecker. Sitting at home on painkillers will ruin your life. It will cause severe depression which will lead to the end of your marriage.

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Anyone who encourages a married woman to commit infidelity is not her "friend." And you should not care one whit about their opinions. After all, it is not their ox getting gored.