To add to my above post:

She has a new diary that she is not hiding. I didn't have a chance to look through it all, but the entry from yesterday does not discuss another man, she discusses that I want to get back together, that she has had an intimacy problem for a while, and that I haven't turned her on as much as I used to in a while, and she doesn't know what changed.

She writes that she doesn't know if it is an excuse to get out of a marriage that she doesn't want to be in, or what. She says that she doesn't know why she is having such a hard time getting over this, or why she agreed to counseling. She writes asking why are,just doesn't split and leave or ask me to. She says that she has lost much of herself, and wants what is best for our family, whatever that is.

I'm still wondering about telling her about MB. I just want my wife back and my family intact, and to get help for our issues, both as a couple, and personal issues.

We had a good day as a family. She grilled burgers, we all watched TV together. I just don't know where she is at with her feelinhs, thoughts on reconciling, or dating someone else.

I don't know how to show her that I am truly sorry and that our marriage is worth saving.

I know that I keep posting, but I don't know what else to do.

We are texting. She asked where the concert is at today, which made me feel paranoid that she is trying to determine how much free time she will have after work. The VAR has not picked up any conversations, so it is all text and Facebook via her phone, which I have no access to, unless she forgets to take the phone.

Communication in person and via text is occurring rather normally. But the asking me about the concert location triggered more stupid stuff on my part. I am a smart man, but I am dealing with this like a fool.

I told her that I felt guilt, because when I went to the last two shows, she said that she perceived that I was happier since the separation. She said not to, and to go and have fun.

I tried ending the conversation by telling her that I am trying to give her space, find an IC to deal with my trauma related issues, and for her to have a good day. She replied that she is trying also. I said that I didn't know what that meant, but that I have hope and faith. She said she is trying to understand where I was coming from with the split, and let me express my feelings. She said that she is guarded right now, and that when I go on, it makes her anxious and smothered.

I replied that that was the last thing I want to do, and that she has every right to feel guarded after what I did, and that I understood. I said I will keep trying to give her some space while I also work on myself.

With that said, things seem fine when we are together, as long as I can keep the talk about the issues in check.

DG, what are these "trauma related issues?" I am very concerned about the message you are sending her, because going off to "counseling" when your marriage is crippled seems like a needless distraction at a time when you should be focused on your marriage. I can understand getting help for depression and rehabilitation for work, but what is this "trauma?" Do you think bringing that up to her is attractive in the least? It looks like you are chasng a lot of rabbits.

Secondly, "space" is the worst thing you can do for your marriage. Too much "space" is part of the problem since it contributes to the emotional detachment.

I am not sure you need our help here since it appears you are following your own "plan."

My mind has been all over the place since the accident. Sleep issues, apetite, detachment... My wife said she didn't know who I was anymore. She told people during the month I separated from her, is that she wanted the old me back.

I was hurt and confused and missed her. I felt guilt for what I did and for being disabled. I started researching my symptoms and knew that I didn't really want to be separated, and that's when I went to her to reconcile and seek help.

When I say space, I mean talking about the separation, reconciling, and my issues. I am trying to be with her as much as possible.

You've got to get a handle on your feelings and emotions. Can you be the guy who first attracted her? The guy she feel in love with? You have to be that guy.

You're not going to win her by trying to get sympathy over your accident. Or by offering her 'space' or by trying to get her into counseling.

Your only option is to present yourself as the best option for her. Can you charm her? Woo her? Be attractive and appealing? Confident and reassuring?

It may be that you cannot, based on the traumatic injury you've sustained. Think about whether you're up to the task of winning her back or not. If you can't get a handle on your insecurities and neediness, you're not going to make it.

I understand that I am my own worst enemy. I'm working hard to get it under control.

It is difficult because she told me about the man asking her out for coffee. She sent me a text saying she might stay the night at a girlfriend's house, and I replied that I'm trying not to be nervous or jealous, but I'm failing, obviously.

She made other arrangements where she will come home, but have to sit for two hours a the garage while the car is repaired. I told her that I'm not going to let my insecurities control me or anyone else, anymore. But she is angry.

Right now, I just don't know what to do or say in these, she is going to be gone overnight, situations.

Any normal person would be very concerned and alarmed if their spouse spent the night away. I am not sure why you imagine that is "insecure." Especially in light of the fact that your wife has already told you she is intending on committing infidelity.

Are you trying to act like it is NORMAL for a spouse to spend the night away from home? WHY?

If she is going to spend the night away, you have every right to know why and where and with whom. You have every reason to be very ALARMED. Who is she with?

She text that she will coming home, and not to try to talk to her when I get home. She was angry. She has never been angry with me like she has been, lately. When I came home it was late, but I saw her purse in the chair, and was gone whe, I got up, so I know she came home.

She sends me texts to let me know what is going on, such as that she is going out to dinner either her brother and stepmother on Friday. I don't know why she would bother if she plans on maintaining the separation.

I'm under so much stress. I'm having nightmares about her being hurtfully angry, which I deserve after what I did. I also had a dream where she was actually in a new relationship. Those wake me up and I feel anxious and awful.

I'm going to try to avoid relationship talk, which is difficult, though I am trying. I'm trying to meet emotional needs, though she is distant. I'm scared that I blew it with her, but I still retain some hope. I'm reading what I can on the site and trying to focus.

I talked to my mom, who called my wife last night. My wife told her that when she told me about staying at her girlfriend's to be closer to the garage (girlfriend was going to give her a ride,) that it seemed to upset me, so she made other arrangements, so that she would be home. My mom said that I'm feeling paranoid, because I really want to work on our marriage. She said that she knows.

Because of our time apart with the shop, I sent her texts asking how I could make her day better, and she said she appreciated what I am trying to do, but she is sitting there and I really couldn't do anything. I said that I deeply regret hurting her, that I care about her, that she means the world to me, and that I am here for her. I said I'm not wan5ing to talk about anything that she doesn't want to talk about right now, and that I just wanted to tell her that. She replied with "okay," and I sent a smile face, and left it alone.

With that, I am very sincere, and am trying to meet her emotional needs. I'm worried about trying, because she is distant and angry. I want her to be happy.

There hasn't been any communication all day, and I don't want to push her. I still have just the one VAR, and I'm thinking of putting it in the car tonight. It will be risky, especially if she is telling the truth about going to the garage. I'm afraid of it being discovered.

We kept the appointment for counseling, because that is what she is agreeing to. The batteries last for about 20-24 hours, so she should be back while it is still running. I don't know if I will have a chance to review before the appointment.

So all I know for sure is that she contacted a married man who she previously dated, and met him at least twice. She claims that a man asked her out for coffee and she answered, "I don't know." She won't tell me if she will wait to date, to see if we can fix us. She uses words like "we," "us," and "our(s)." I'm trying to meet her EN's as I can, right now through kind words and actions. I don't know what else to do.

I am feeling a little better today, but still down, and scared.

Does your mother understand that you are not paranoid? I guarantee you if I went and told my husband I was spending the night "with a girlfriend" he would be VERY ALARMED and it would not go over well. My H is not "paranoid" or "insecure." He is a normal healthy person who knows it is WRONG for a married person to spend the night with a friend.

And I have not had any emotional affairs and I am not chasing married men like your wife. So I would ask that you and your mother stop this inappropriate talk about "paranoia" and "insecurity." You are having a normal reaction to an alarming reaction.


It seems pretty obvious she is having an affair with someone so I would snoop like crazy and find out who and what she is doing.

That is wonderful. A married woman talking about dating a married man. This is why you need to find out WHO.


Please stop calling this "dating." That is not "dating," it is infidelity. And it is disgraceful. Ask her to not commit infidelity.

I'm trying to reach her on not having an affair, but she doesn't see it that way. I wish I could change her mind, but she is in the "my husband said lets separate and he released me from my vows" crap that I will never forgive myself for saying.

Unless the VAR picks up something, she forgets her phone, or she leaves her facebook logged on on her laptop, I may never find out her asked her out, if she has anything to do with married guy, or if she is actually sleeping with anyone.

She sends me texts about where she is going or what plans are (if they are true,) and decided to come home because of my reservations. I'm wanting to ask her what she is feeling, does she want to fix our marriage with me, and what she is hoping to get out of counseling. I also want to say that I hope that our son can grow up in an intact family. But I don't know if any of that will be detrimental.

That is cute and winsome so you need to find out if that married man's wife feels the same way. It doesn't matter if your W sees it that way, what matters is reality. She knows she is a married woman. You can chant "I break my vows" until the cows come home, she will still be a married woman. You need to remind her of that when she discusses committing infidelity. .


Your job is to find out who and what and where so I would not give up so easily. This married man's wife would be very happy to hear about this relationship.

I have to confirm if she is involved with the married guy. They may have actually just talked, which is still inappropriate. She is not talking to anyone on the phone when she is alone in her room. If she was involved with someone, I would think that they would talk over the phone, especially when I'm not at home. That is why I think that the car is the best bet, as she will either use speaker phone, or voice to text.

I can't access anything right now. I might try a phone GPS solution, as I have a spare android phone here. There is no guarantee that a GPS will help, as we have one vehicle right now, and I can't drive yet.

Should I avoid asking her the questions from the above post? Should I just have normal conversation? She will be home soon. I am hoping that she finds it in her to open her heart to me again. What I said to her is a betrayal, no matter what state of mind I was in.

I wouldnt ask any of this.


That is a good question since counseling is destructive.


Don't say that.

Ugh too late. I did mention these things. I asked her how I could win her heart again and she said that she didn't know if I could. She said that maybe She hopes for understanding on why I was going through crisis and being stupid.

She admitted that she is texting the guy that asked her out, that it is "how is your day" type stuff. She is adamant that she isn't seeing or sleeping with anyone. I said that communicating with him is influencing her decision, and compromising counseling.

I know that MC can be destructive, though I read an article by Dr.Harley that indicated some are good.

I am trying to keep faith, but it is difficult because I think that she is determined to eventually divorce, because she wasn't happy, under too much stress plus what was added by the accident and my depression, and that I hurt her with the separation nonsense.

I reminded her that it was crisis talk, and that we are married. I don't think that she cares.

Dr Harley is the one who has said for years that most are destructive. I wish you the best..

I don't know what else I can do to save my marriage without evidence of an affair, and other than trying to meet EN's and avoid Love Busters.