I will try to give her the letter. I will strongly consider telling her that sleeping with another man is infidelity. If I do, I will tell her that I will still fight for us, as difficult it will be to see her with someone else.

I just thought of something. If she dates (and has an affair,) plus with all of the hours she has to spend at the shop and the extra running around to do it, she is barely going to see our son. It is messed up.

There is a program that can help me find work. I told he about when we went out to eat.

No, don't tell her it is "difficult" to see her with someone else, tell her you won't tolerate it. Don't be complacent. If someone is dating your wife, you need to confront him and run him off. Complacence reflects a lack of caring. It is your job to run off any RAT who comes sniffing around.


It is best for your son to be with you more if she is going to commit adultery. You don't want your son exposed to that.


That's great!

How old is your son?

I won't tell her that it will be difficult. Right now, I have no way of knowing who it is that asked her out, if she goes to see him or anyone else, or if they sleep together.

Because of everything that has happened, what has been said, and what she has told others, I fear that telling her that I won't tolerate it and try to find the guy and chase him off will make it look like I am controlling and crazy, even though I want to do these things.

While on disability, I can be around my son during most of his waking hours. Another issue is that she often talks about wanting to be a good mother, and to be around our son, but she often watches TV in her room, and since the separation, has been going out with her new best girlfriend, who has no children and is 14 years younger than my wife (and I suspect to be a bad influence.)

Today at dinner, my wife said that she doesn't want to get in the way of his nurses (he was born at 24 weeks and has a trach, and is 18 months old. He is doing very well.) I told her that she should never worry about that, that the nurses have to work around us. This isn't to say that she never spends time with him, but she definitely could spend more time with him.

I think that since I am staying in the house, and if she has an affair, she will become guilt ridden for being selfish choosing choosing an affair over our son. Or at least, I hope that someone in her life points out to her what she is doing.

You have this backwards. She would be "controlling' you if she forced you to tolerate such disgraceful, hurtful behavior. That is like the wifebeater telling his wife she is "controlling" because she is telling him to stop beating her.

Asking you to endure infidelity is very controlling. Asking her to stop is NOT.

When your wife wakes up from her fog, she will appreciate that you fought for her. Complacence about infidelity does not reflect wisdom or stability, but a lack of caring. A caring spouse wouldn't sit there like a stump.

I want to add that any man who would date a married woman is a dirtball. A dirtball is easily run off. There aren't many decent men who would be interested in dating a married woman who lives with her husband and 18 month old child.

I agree with you. She just won't see it that way. We sleep in separate bedrooms. The house use to be a duplex and she is in the other half. However, there is no kitchen on that side, since we took it out. She thinks that I am going to put one in when I get my personal injury money, and I will refuse to do it. So we share a kitchen, though she avoids it when she can, and she occasionally sits in my living room. All she is focusing on is that I initiated the separation. The releasing of the vows comment wasn't brought up by her until she decided that she might date.

I feel that she is entering a have her cake and eat it too situation. If she starts sleeping with another man, she will do it at his place, with the only way of me knowing its happening is that our car will be gone all night.

The only way to delay her (and infuriate her and make her loathe me) is that I could take the car away since it is in my name, but she needs it to run our shop and take our son to appointments (I can't drive yet.) That would seem very controlling, however, and probably create all sorts of problems if she sued for a divorce.

Thats fine if she doesn't see it that way. You don't need her to agree with you. But the fact is that she is a married woman and she is not "dating," but committing infidelity. You need to be very clear that you won't tolerate it.

I agree it is not a good idea to take her car away.

I can tell her that I won't tolerate it, but she won't care and she will do it anyway, if she is going to. I don't know how to get past the pain to try to to a Plan A if she tells me it is over and she is having an affair. Even though we are married and not even legally separated, she would view the relationship as done if she starts sleeping with another man.

And then you can confront the man and cause him as much trouble as possible. Just let her know you will do whatever you can bust up her affair. What you should not do is act complacent.


She might also view herself as the queen of England but it does not mean it is true. Your marriage is not over until you are legally divorced.

I agree and want to do this, but people will think, after separating and saying the things I said, that I'm being a controlling freak. She said that the people in her life, as well as her, are wondering why I flip-flopped. It is almost as though they think I have some nefarious agenda, rather than recognizing my mistake and wanting to get my marriage back on track.

She left almost five hours ago and hasn't returned. She left angry. I will try to save our marriage, but something is telling me that she is done. I just couldn't keep my mouth shut about asking her not to date and give us some time.

But those other people do not have to live your life, do they? We are not asking you to do things to gain the approval of crapwits, but to do the things that will help your marriage.


I have never known of a caring husband who would keep his mouth shut when his wife was going on a date. that really sounds insane. Her reaction does not mean it was the wrong thing to do.

She was going with her girlfriend, and showed me the text from her asking if she wanted to go to the movies, because I became insecure. It was after that, that I asked her to not date and give us some time, and that is when she got angry and stormed out. She has never been this angry with me before, for this period of time.

I wish that I could go back to last month and stop myself from doing what I did. My heart aches at the thought that my marriage may not be salvageable, despite my best (right now worst) efforts.

I don't know when she came home. The car was back at 8:30 this morning when I got up, briefly. I haven't been sleeping well, so I went back to bed and got up at 11:30. She was not here, it looks like she went for a walk with the nurse and our son.

I checked the VAR, and there was no talking. I forgot to check the
time where it picked up sound from her going to bed, which would give me an idea when she came home. The batteries are at half charge and I don't have time to charge them, so I just put it back and I'm hoping for the best.

She sent me a text asking me if I was up. I replied "yes." She then text that they were on their way back. I said "ok. I don't know why she is bothering with communication like that if she wants out.

I was going to add this to my above post, but couldn't:

I don't know when she came home. The car was back at 8:30 this morning when I got up, briefly. I haven't been sleeping well, so I went back to bed and got up at 11:30. She was not here, it looks like she went for a walk with the nurse and our son.

I checked the VAR, and there was no talking. I forgot to check the
time where it picked up sound from her going to bed, which would give me an idea when she came home. The batteries are at half charge and I don't have time to charge them, so I just put it back and I'm hoping for the best.

She sent me a text asking me if I was up. I replied "yes." She then text that they were on their way back. I said "ok. I don't know why she is bothering with communication like that if she wants out.

EDIT: She is being friendly. I told her that I'm not putting a kitchen in her side of the house. It said that we already have a kitchen. I asked her how she felt about that. She it depends on what happens with our marriage; whether or not It can be fixed. I,said of we could talk briefly so that I could follow MelodyLane's advice.

I asked her if she wanted me to leave if we couldn't be fixed and she said no. I asked if thought that it would be healthy for me if I stayed ans said her dating others, and she said no.

I then said that I'm not giving up and that I'm fighting for us, no matter what. I then told her that we are not separated or divorced and that either one of us seeing other people infidelity, and asked if she really wanted to commit that, and she said no.

She began yelling at me. I told her that everything that I said was crazy talk and why (just briefly.) I said that because she said she was confused and didn't know what she wants. I said that I wanted to put all our stuff back to where it was, and she said no because she doesn't know what is going to happen.

I said that people need to stop influencing the break up. She didn't respond, but I assume that her friends are telling her that I am a jerk and,thay she should see other people.

She agreed to read the letter, but asked me to stop talking about us, which I am going to do.

Thats good! Now, you just need to do your best to be attractive. Look for opportunities to meet her needs and avoid any lovebusters. Are you familiar with the MB program? Have you been reading the material here? basic concepts

How is your appearance?

I wanted to point out that being "separated" is not the same as not being married. Oddly, some people believe that it is, but it is not. As such, younger ppl come on here quite often and report that one spouse pronounces themselves "separated," move into the guest room and then start dating! Calling oneself "separated" is not an entitlement to commit infidelity.

Dating other people while married is infidelity, period.

Thank you, MelodyLane. I have been. Reading the material. I'm trying to find things that will meet her needs. She is stretched thin and angry, and wants to see where counseling goes. I am cautious about the counseling, and will find a new one if I need to. People are saying a lot of positive things about this counselor.

While she was out, I took care of her laundry for her. Other than the stressful relationship talks, I am trying to have good, productive conversation with her. Before the separation, other than life stress, we got along great. I'm going to try to get is,to go on our store trips again, and point out things that she likes, and try to get us out to eat.

My appearance is good, I think. I keep my beard tidy, and my cheeks clean-shaven. I keep my hair buzzed short, because it is thin. I lost a lot of weigbt, and am beginning to exercise. My posture is good when my back pain isn't present. I'm trying to smile as much as is reasonable.

You should focus on meeting the needs of conversation and affection.

If the counseling is bad, the damage will be much greater than "finding a new one," the damage will be done. Marriage counselors are destructive to marriage and you are more likely than not to find yourself divorced. Marriage counseling has an 84% failure rate and MC's have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.

Does this MC have a PLAN to restore your marriage? If so, what is the plan? Will she persuade your wife to follow a plan to create a romantic marriage?

OR will you sit in a room together and air past grievances and further deplete your already drained lovebanks?

The advice we give you here comes from Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. He started Marriage Builders and developed this plan when he discovered how desrtuctive marriage counselors are to marriages.

Should I tell her about marriage builders? It seems that to my wife, marriage counseling is the only make it or break it option right now.

The counselor covers other types of counseling.
***EDIT***

We are grilling burgers later add a family. I put together the fairy garden that I made for her a couple of years ago. Should I tell her that I love her? Because I do.

I should also add that I will remain calm if we go to MC, and not argue, or attack her, or yell back if she tells at me.