To all,

Wife of five years wanted to move back to her hometown after my stint in the service on the west coast. I wanted to stay maybe not in CA, but certainly AZ or NV. I had a support network across those two states. I also spent most of my life moving around, so I never really had the hometown experience. I originally agreed to move back to her hometown in the southeast to make her happy. My parents live almost 1,000 miles away, so I am not even near them (I am okay with that).

We live across the street from her mother. Across the street from where she grew up. We have to drive everywhere from the rural area to anything of importance - one way. I have no support network here (father-in-law is my only friend). She wants our children to go to all the same schools she did. I dislike almost everything about the area, and I feel as though I made an honest effort to adjust to her turf. I have not grown fonder.

I am missing opportunities academically and professionally due to the isolation of our location. I am 45 minutes from the nearest (community) college, and further from the places at which I could get a decent job. I would like to live further west, and in more of an urban setting. Attempts to talk about relocating anywhere further than the county border is met with defensiveness and, before long, wife's crying and walking away. I get the sense she is trying to get me to like her area, but it is a tough sell for me. Small towns are hard to move into. In the three years we were in southern california, she didn't make one friend.

Come to think about it, we swapped places. But we want to live somewhere permanent for kids to grow up, and I don't think we are negotiating. I feel like she is weaponizing her emotions to build her case for a position with only as much legitimacy as my own.

How can I bring her to the negotiating table without putting her on the defensive? I don't expect to 'win', but she knows exactly how I feel about the area we live in; and I think that is worth something.

The beauty of the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) is that it enables you to find a solution where both of you win. If you are not already in the habit of using this, you should start with something less emotional. Try food as safe place to start.

You: How would you feel about chicken for dinner?
Her: I hate cooking chicken.
You: One possibility is that I make the chicken while you put the children to bed.
Her: I hate the way you make chicken. Suppose I give you step by step instructions on making chicken the way I like it and you follow them?
You: Great solution, I find the way you do it delicious.

This is a simple example but it is designed to show you a way that the POJA is used to come up with a solution that neither would have thought of at the outset and which makes both happy.

Sometimes the POJA has to be done more than once. Keep it pleasant and safe. Never say things like 'you know exactly how I feel about the area'. It is always disrespectful to tell someone else what they think. Stating your point of view by starting it with 'I' is very helpful. For example; 'I am unhappy with where we live and would like to discuss some alternatives that would make both of us happy'.

Allow plenty of time and stop the moment the conversation becomes in any way adversarial meaning that one side or the other is putting emotional pressure on the other. It has to stay safe. At all costs avoid 'I did xyz for you so now you must do abc for me'. Both sides lose in that scenario.

It can take months to negotiate something as important as a place to live. Remember that if this was simple, it would be solved already!

@living_well

Thank you for the reply. I will give it a try. Obviously, where we choose to raise our children is a big decision. It is a good idea to build up to it, rather than to simply flood the valley. I am concerned it is a losing fight - as all of her family is where we live now; not where I want us to go. I would say my deepest fear is that she would rather stay here without me in the picture than leave the nest for good. Again, thanks for the reply.

Then the sooner you know that the better.

Have you read through all these? Having Trouble with the Policy of Joint Agreement?